Hmmm.... I'm such a romantic! Of course, I only thought God could be calling me to do something I wanted to do, something different... something exciting... something worthwhile. I only allowed thoughts of a new ministry, path, etc. I caught myself daydreaming of what incredible thing or things God could be calling me to do.
Guess what? I never once thought that God could be calling me to embrace my life as it is right now. I didn't think that He might ask me to recommit to our children's program at church or to begin anew writing children's Bible studies and Sunday School curriculum. I didn't want to think that the anticipation of feeling Him move in my heart would be because I needed a jolt to re-embrace homeschooling or a kick in the pants to rediscover joy in my marriage. I wouldn't allow myself to think that He was calling me to continue the path on which He has placed me. I didn't want to think that I was STILL called to those things. I wanted to move on.
The naked truth is that I'm bored with my life as it is. It's full. Actually, way too full and yet I'm still looking for contentment outside of my own heart. I'm trying to find new ways to feel good about myself or about what I'm doing. I'm looking for impressive ministries. I want people to notice me. I want to feel important.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I seek for other's accolades instead of seeking to glorify my Creator? Why do I think that the grass will be greener if I move on to another pasture? Haven't I learned that all pastures have both sunshine and thistles? Why isn't the life God has called me to do enough for me?
I really think the stirring I felt and continue to feel is a recharge for my battery. I think the Spirit is graciously showing me that He wants me to be excited and energetic right where I am. My head knows there is no greater ministry than to be a loving wife to Chad and a loving mother to Eric, Emily and Ellen. My heart needs to get over itself and embrace this ministry.
I need not look any further than that for a worthwhile ministry...even if I think I don't like it... I know it is what I am called to do.
you and Susan both gave me a kick in my pants. You verbalized way better than I did what I was feeling this morning. I know most days (about 20 our of the 28 days of the month) that eventually, I will be able to do something else, but right now this what I am supposed to do. It is just stinkin hard sometimes!
ReplyDeleteJake will have a lot of different teachers next year. I am already imagining clashes with at least one. . .she doesn't like Drew and she is one who would transfer that to a sibling.. . joy! As David said recently, it is like looking in a mirror. He just likes to be the funny man and that doesn't always translate well!
have fun tomorrow.
Gabe