Wednesday, February 15, 2012

post Valentine gift for you...


This is what being intentional looked like yesterday... intentionally saying I love you fourteen different ways.




Amazingly, the thought came to me while I was writing yesterday's post.  My initial heart response was..."I don't have the time for that!" ... why?!?  Why is that ALWAYS my first heart response.  


Reality?  Writing four lists took me about 20 minutes... not much time to invest in these I love.




Sometimes I wonder if the surprises are from him... or are they from HIM in disguise?   Just when I write my heart and essentially swear off the materialism of Valentine's Day... he comes home with these... and I smile and say thank you and thank YOU for grace and mercy, and for HIM putting me in my place.


Today, I marvel much over grace gifts... the many gifts that come my way day in and day out.  The many answers to spoken and unspoken prayer. Most specifically, the answers to the prayer of the Mom's heart that says... give me mercy, give me grace, help me endure the days he's home recovering.




Instead of endure... I have enjoyed!  Gifts of sweet time and sweeter conversations.  A few moments to sit by and immerse myself in this moment before it's gone.   All too soon, he will be back in the adventure of life and we will be running here and there.  Soon, too, he will be off on his own life adventure.   So... I sit and I soak it in... this time with the one I can hardly call man-cub anymore.


...and, I offer you this gift...




... just $.99 at Amazon or Smashwords.  


...happy belated LOVE day!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

this mother's heart...

Having a child is 
deciding to forever 
watch your heart walk around
outside of your body.
~unknown~

Valentine's Day... the day of hearts, flowers, chocolate, and cupid.  The day decked out in pink, red, white with streamers and balloons.  A day set apart to celebrate love.  A day that will reap billions of dollars in consumer spending.

Yesterday I watched my heart be wheeled away by those in scrubs, hats and face masks.  I waited and I wondered.  I prayed and I pondered...  

Does he know how much I love him?

Did I say it enough?

Will they take good care of my boy?

Is he even my boy?

No... he's HIS...

Does He know I can hardly breathe?

Does He know how much I love him?

Do I trust enough?

This morning, I read this from a friend on facebook...

say it today
don't imply it

and I think... how often do I imply?  How many Valentine's Days have I gone out and spent $10 or $15 dollars to imply that I love the four I love the most?  How many times for anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas have I done the same thing?  

I KNOW my heart.  I KNOW I have done this.  When did implication take over communication? 

Today... this mother's heart looks different.  Perhaps it was because I realized that billions will be spent today.  Some will say I LOVE YOU... others will imply it with flowers, chocolate, hearts, valentines.  

...or maybe it was because yesterday my heart went missing for three hours and when I could finally see him, touch him, kiss him... I realized...  I haven't said it enough, because there is never enough.

Today... I want to say it in words and deeds.  I want to love on all four of them.  Tonight there will be a homemade meal... not fancy but tasty.  There will be no cards to open or gifts to unwrap... not because I think those things are wrong but because I have used them wrongly in the past.  

I don't want any implications this Valentine's Day.  I simply want to say it from my heart to theirs. 

Monday, February 13, 2012

when I have it backward...

Yesterday's JOY DARE... 
three hard eucharisteos

...why is this so hard for me?  

why do I easily say thank You for the hard things...

... the low checking account balance that leaves me trusting 
... the broken bone and that it is only one 
... the phone call to the surgeon, who was in California, because my man, the OR nurse, trusts him with our son

Why is it these things that I find to be the hard eucharisteo?  Why do I stumble saying thank You for these...

... the ones whose comments make my head spin
... the relatively easy conversations with the school this morning to get the mancub out of school for a few days
... my man's knowledge and expertise that this mother's heart fails to trust

I've wondered if I live life backward?  Why is the hard easier than the simple?  Why does my tongue stumble over thank You...

... for miscommunication that ends in abiding love
... for a mancub with heart full of adventure
... for the intent of the heart rather than the words of the mouth

The longer I live... the less I know.  Today, I seem to know very little... except that I live the hard eucharisteo backward.  

It's easy for me to say thank You for things I deem out of my control.  It's much harder to say thank You in an effort to control the attitude of my heart. 


join me in joining in the gratitude community at Ann's on this Multitude Monday?


Sunday, February 12, 2012

when all you can do is shake your head...

There are times... as a mom... when all you can do is shake your head... in bewilderment.


There are times when a text like this...


the trainer says I should have an x-ray
I fell and hurt my left elbow
pretty bad its in a sling

turns into this...


which turned into a weekend like this...


which, in turn, has led to surgery scheduled for tomorrow...

all because my kid failed to clear a hurdle at practice on Friday...

...and I'm still shaking my head in bewilderment that the kid made it through football season just fine.

Friday, February 10, 2012

reckless trust...


Joining in, again,
with the 5 minute Friday
community 

the goal?
write for 5 minutes
without stopping
on one topic...
no correcting...
no cut and pasting...
no revisions...

the topic?
TRUST

GO

Do I trust Him or me?  To I sell out to "playing it safe" or do I wholeheartedly jump in with reckless trust?

The irony?  It's in the reckless trust that I'm safest.

Moses.  The man God chose to free the Israelites.  The man God chose to use in mighty, mighty ways.  The man God chose to get under Pharoah's skin.  

This Moses.  He spent 40 years in a dead-end job.  He worked for his father-in-law shepherding his sheep.  Poor guy!  Oh yeah, it was his own fault.  He killed an Egyptian and ran away.  

This Moses was hiding in a sheep field working a dead-end job keeping his in-laws happy when God suddenly came down right in front of his face... in a desert bush that burned without burning up.  

Moses!

The thing that strikes me the most, lately, is that God commanded Moses to throw down his staff.  His staff... the one thing that identified who he was.  It was his weapon against prowlers, his tool to guide his sheep, and his identity to those who saw him.  After 40 years, it probably became a very real part of who Moses was. 

"What's that in your hand?"  God asked.  

"A staff."  I wonder what Moses was thinking.  It's probably not polite to say "Duh, God!"

"Throw it down!"

Ummm... ok... but really?  It's just a staff.  A piece of wood.  But... it's MY staff... my piece of wood... my identity.  

I wonder how many times God tells me to let go of something and I don't.  I want to be a Moses... I want to trust Him and let go of the very things that identify who I am.

Why?

Because that staff turned into a snake!!  Yep.  Moses' God, my God... maybe your God.. He does stuff like that.  Moses' identity turned into God's identity.  God used it to change history.  No longer just a shepherd's staff... this staff turned snake turned staff again became God's tool, not Moses'.  A mighty, Mighty tool, too!

STOP

** a little disclaimer... I just learned that I'm lousy at exercises like this... I never realized that I use my "delete" aka "backspace" button like a regular button on my keyboard.  Without stopping to think, I reach up and backspace and correct myself all the time! Ooops... so there are still probably big errors because I haven't proofed this... I fail miserably at the no correction thing.

also... I loose track of time when I write.  This was 8 minutes.  

.... much to learn!

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

600...

I remember asking my 6th grade English teacher to sign my yearbook.  She handed it back with a smile.  


May you grow intellectually
as you are growing verbally.

I haven't seen that yearbook in a many, many years... but I have never forgotten her words.

Now, all these years later, I wonder if I ever did grow intellectually.  The fact that this is my 600th post on this blog is a testimony to the fact that to this day, I continue to grow verbally.  

I {heart} words.  I think I inherited this from my mom.  She loves words more than anyone I know and has a vocabulary that is stellar.  I can only hope to ever come close. 

I love words and using words.  Stringing them together into sentences that are powerful with just a few words is my favorite challenge.  Writing is my creative outlet.  Words become so much more when tied together.  

Words also have the ability to heal or destroy.  The power rests in the tongue.  Such a small muscle that wields such great strength.   I often allow my tongue to run at will rather than exercise the self-control to reign it in.  The result is usually devastation of some sort.

Thirty years ago, my sixth grade English teacher was on to something.  I think if I were to grow intellectually, I would learn to use my verbal skills for good rather than harm.   

I wish it wouldn't have taken my thirty years to see her wisdom.

Monday, February 06, 2012

in awe... again...

It seems as if the last few years have brought some new weather phenomena to our little sleepy town... or maybe I'm finally growing up enough to notice things happening outside the walls of me... or maybe both.  Either way, I love the way God brings about weather and shows His power through it.


We've had thundersnow {which is the absolute BEST of both worlds!}, a couple of inches of snow when it's been 36*, and twice in the past 30 hours... freezing fog.  


Breathtaking!


It also seems as if the past few weeks have brought me a new love for God and His Word.  I have had a deep love for Scripture for a long time.  However, my sinful self's love ebbs and flows.  I wish it were deep and abiding.  I wish I didn't go days without opening my Bible... or days looking for it.   I want to always be in awe of God's Word.  I'm not.


So, I pray... especially on the days I can't even find my Bible.  I ask for Him to renew me... to give me a hunger for His Word... to make my heart crave it... to be in awe... again.


He is always, always, always faithful... again.

He showed me this in Job, and I laughed out loud... 

At this also my heart trembles,
and leaps from it's place.
Listen closely to the thunder of His voice,
and the rumbling that goes out from His mouth.
Under the whole heaven He lets it loose,
and His lightening to the ends of the earth....
God thunders with His voice wondrously
doing great things which we cannot comprehend.
For to the snow He says, "Fall on the earth,"
and to the downpour and the rain, "Be strong."

...this is me.  My heart trembles and my pulse quickens when I see the strength of my God played out in weather.  I get excited over thunderstorms and giddy over snow.  Who knew that Job's friend, Elihu felt the same way?

I'm joining in again with the gratitude community at Ann's, counting gifts on this gorgeous foggy Monday morning...

... the beauty of weather
... the way the fog crystalizes on the trees
... the light of the sun shining through
... that His light burns off the fog in my heart
... unexpected snow

... for 15 years with my mancub
... for him wanting to spend the day with his dad
... for a girls day while they were gone
... for a quiet evening at home to watch the big game
... for family Bible reading

... for answered prayer
... for headaches that send me to the Throne
... for His healing and mercy

... for funds for Chad and Emme's trip
... for a girl who made "treats in a jar" all weekend
... for the gift of hard work
... and for the ownership that comes with it

... for a morning that he can sleep in
... for free wi/fi
... for daily lessons
... for knowing I have been carried through 

... for phone calls with my dad
... his laughter
... sharing in the joy of grandson antics
... for the "I love you" that comes at the end

... for the times we are a united front
... for the lessening times that we are not
... for face time
... for kids big enough to leave at home in search of face time

... for lunch with new friends
... for the ongoing joy of LEGOs
... for the friend who took an hour to brainstorm with me
... for the years of friendship

... for a day to run away
... the laughter of women
... seeing her smile and laugh and know that He answers prayer!
... knowing that there is always joy in the morning

... for a God who blows me away
... answers my prayer
... and gives me laughter


Saturday, February 04, 2012

celebrating friendships...


Sometimes you just have to 
get in your truck
with 3 great women
to run far away
for a few hours


Sometimes the only way to
take time to celebrate friendships
and birthdays is to make time


So when one has a 39th birthday
{for the 1st time, as she says}
you cannot NOT celebrate


So you journey back country roads
and state highways 
to travel back in time


just for lunch... 
turkey panini with spinach and artichoke 
pineapple, cantaloupe and Greek salad...
plum iced tea and tomato artichoke soup
and...


a half order of
raspberry apple bread pudding
'cuz you are just too full 
to consider a full order


Since you are so full...
you walk and look
and dream and laugh


cuz you know that time like this
is a gift and friends like these
don't come every day


so, sometimes you just have
to make time


to run away to Pickles
in Plumtickled Junction,
with 3 great women
to celebrate a life
and friendship


and...
we dare you to try 
to find this on 
any map 


we're confident you'd be hard pressed
to do so...


which is why we 
run far away
for a few hours


every once in a while.



of this... I am proud!

I've done five things in my life that I have NEVER regretted.  Five things, of which I am extremely proud.   Though, I could let go of everything else I have ever done without regret, I hold tightly to these five.  They even define who I am....


1) I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior...
the greatest thing I have ever done

2) I married the man who has held my heart all these years...
my love, second only to Jesus Christ

3, 4, 5) three times over I gave birth, became a mom...
starting with the mancub 15 years ago...
today 


this one, right here...

he has been used of God to stretch me and shape me
he has made me laugh until tears flow
and weep until tears were spent


I like to think I can look at him
and think of all that I have done...

...and then I remember...
the things that I have done...

...and I bow the heart and thank the One
who has interceded on my behalf
and who has raised up this one 
to be a God-fearing mancub


fifteen years ago,
a young, naive, and exhausted mother
was handed her son...
HER SON!

and...
I wondered why they gave him to me?

Did they know I had NO idea how to take care 
of someone else?

so...
we learned together, my man and I
and we prayed...

and we pray.


thankfully, he is so much more like
his Heavenly Father
than his earthly mother!

and though I have failed him
time and time again...

of this one, I am proud!

Friday, February 03, 2012

what is REAL?



Joining in with the community at thegypsymama to write for 5 minutes today.  


The theme?  Real


GO


Real... is it the fog outside my window that matches the fog inside my head?  Is real what I see or what I feel or both?


Real... is it the fact that I can now see the entire floor to my laundry room?  We went 30 hours without clean dish towels.  Not that we really needed them... not sure I did dishes in that time.  Instead it was run here, go there, eat out, eat pb&j.  It's my reality... my real.  It's not the Norman Rockwellish, June Cleaver look that is in my head of all five of us sitting down for a beautiful meal every. single. meal.  Nope... real is the mountain of laundry that I conquered this morning to be able to see that floor and real is having clean dish towels for today.


Real... is it what I project my life when I blog?  Do others read my blog and see what I want them to see?  Do they see Martha Stewart or do they see the chaos/mess that is my life... my real?  


Real... do I let others see my real in REAL life?  Do I try to cover up the real with the cosmetic fake to look like the dutiful wife, good mom, obedient Christian, successful homeschooler?  Yes... I do try to cover up my warts, zits and blemishes but often my make-up runs off and I'm left standing in a puddle facing the real.


Real... it's all of this and more.


STOP


care to jump in with the 5 Minute Friday community?

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

NFL answers...

Here are the answers to the NFL riddle quiz I posted last night.   This may resurface for future Superbowl parties at our house.


How did you do?


1) Jets
2) Redskins
3) Bucc-an-eers
4) Raiders
5) G.I. ants
6) Browns
7) Saints
8) Cowboys
9) Seahawks
10) Ravens
11) 49ers
12) Chiefs
13) Chargers
14) Panthers
15) Falcons
16) Dol-phins
17) Pat-riots
18) Cardinals
19) Jaguars
20) Steelers
21) Tex(t)-ans
22) Lions
23) Ben-gals
24) The Eagles
25) Titans
26) Broncos
27) Bears
28) Packers
29) Bills
30) VI-kings
31) Rams
32) Colts