Monday, March 22, 2010

What if I don't like it?... part 2

Every other Monday has a standing prayer date for me. The wives of the elders of our church get together for a time of prayer and encouragement. God used our prayer time today to reveal to me more of my own selfish tendencies, self-seeking desires, and foolish pride.

I'm realizing that there is more to my blog post earlier today. My dissatisfaction is deeper than just looking for ministry outside of being Chad's wife and the 3 E's mom. Some of my struggle comes from ministry at church and my personal dissatisfaction with it. Let me explain....

For reasons not completely known to me, I have found myself in a prominent position at church. Chad and I are deeply involved in our little body of believers. I love my church. I love the people in my church. I love the children of our church. I love it all and I love deeply. Therein lies my problem. It is because I love deeply that I am also hurt deeply. Let me explain....

In the past few months, it seems like everyone has been upset with me about something. Most of it is ridiculous, some of it is valid. It seems like I either do too much or do too little. Even today, my friend and prayer partner, Nikki, was laughing out loud at the absurdity of it while she was praying for me.

It would do no good to list all of the "offenses". I am not a weepy woman, and yet, I have cried many bitter tears over the past 6 months or so. Out of hurt and fear, I have avoided some people because I only seem to upset them. I've missed many Sunday services because of either my own illness or one of the children's... some Sundays it was a relief to be able to stay home with a "good excuse." Suffice it to say, I wanted God to "rescue" me!

In wanting God to rescue me, I allowed my own selfish tendencies to envision what He might have for me. My own self-seeking desires wanted God to pluck me out of my ministries at church and place me in an IMPORTANT position. My foolish pride wanted to be able to say, "I'm sorry, I can't help you with that. I have to do... it's very important!"

Through the ministry of my fellow elder wives today, I've come to the conclusion it doesn't matter if there are days I don't like it. Only God, in His sovereign wisdom, knows why He has placed me where He has. I don't have to always like it, I just have to obey. I must stop searching for something else and do what He has called me to do... nothing more, nothing less, nothing else... whether I always like it or not.

1 comment:

  1. I totally wrote you a really long comment on here but then it got deleted before I could post it . . . but here's the gist: I will be praying for you, specifically that God will show you what He wants to teach you during this season of your life. . . . because even when it's hard, we know that He will work it out for our good.


Thank you for your kind words!