when you know you are loved...

I often forget.  I get caught up... caught up in the the things of this world that don't matter and I forget those that do.  I get wrapped up in the worries of life... trying desperately to please people and I forget those who are already pleased.  I find myself struggling... attempting to make sense of the pain and disappointment of this journey and forgetting the joy that sits before me.

Sometimes I need to be reminded.  I need the reminder that I am loved... I am cherished... I am adored... by four.  And, if there were only four, that would be enough.  However, I am blessed much more than that.

I'm learning... learning to take the gifts set before me.  To take a day of rest... to park the taxi in the garage and take up a book instead.  I'm learning to set my book aside... to pick up The Boxcar Children instead.  I'm learning to rest... to take myself to bed early, if need be, so that I can be a better wife, mother, and friend.


I'm learning... anew... that I am loved by those who matter most.

~*~

joining in with the gratitude community again this week... counting the gifts that grace my days with a heart of gratitude...


for these things and many more, I am grateful...


... for Sabbath rest
... for a garage
... for finding incredible books to read at my favorite library


... for a new mug
... and Guatemalan coffee in it
.... with creme brulee creamer


... for the not so little one who still wants me to read Boxcar Children books to her
... for back rubs from smallish hands
... for giggles


... for sibling love
... for the calm of her daddy
... for protection
... for his hand and wisdom to put her back together again


... for a day as a family
... for the joy of being together
... knowing my family wants to be with me


... for the peace of knowing a mother is celebrating in heaven
... for prayer for her family
... for a celebration of her life yesterday


... for a God who always sees
... and always knows
... and never fails to love completely

what gifts has He bestowed on you this week?

join us in counting 1000 gifts and beyond!

team of two on GratiTuesday...

A week ago, we celebrated our eighteenth wedding anniversary... nothing fancy, just lunch out at an authentic taco stand.  The fact that he had returned to home the night before from eight days in Guatemala was enough for me.

I missed him while he was gone.... I missed him much!  Isn't it amazing what we don't realize we have until it's gone?  The void of him gone was much bigger than the hole in my heart that he filled all those years ago.  

Know what I missed the most, though?  I missed my teammate.  For these years, we've been a team.  Sometimes we've been amazing together... like the Chicago Bulls of the 1990s... we've been unstoppable.  During those times, women have commented to me, "I wish I had a marriage like yours."  It was good.

We've also been a team much like last year's Indianapolis Colts.  Times where one (or both) of us has abdicated our role and stepped out of the game.  It becomes quite obvious that you can't play without all the players.  Though no one said this, I wonder if people often thought, "why do they bother to stay married?"  It wasn't so good.

Years ago, my brother and sister in law wrote a marriage curriculum called "Team of Two."  At the time, they were a team of two, a family of two.  I ignorantly thought that that title had nothing to do with me because we were a team of four, almost five.  I missed the point... I think I even missed the entire target.  Their team of two was their marriage, not their family.  The two of them, regardless of how many children come later, were a team and they played the game of life together, both fulfilling their God-given roles.  Together their team was a force to reckon.

On this GratiTuesday, I'm respectfully borrowing Steve and Susy's title...  I am so grateful for my team of two!  Life is not easy and in these years of driving children to and fro and passing the baton back and forth, I often lose heart.  I'm easily overwhelmed with the details of when... where... and for how long.  Yesterday was one of those days.  A day where Chad was on call for surgery (this really means, don't count on him but he may be around...).  I've considered typing out the driving schedule I had yesterday for posterity but it really doesn't matter... it was simply a very busy day, and I thought I was the sole driver.  I forgot, for a moment, that we are a team of two.  The reminder came when the text came...

I'm off.  I will come get Eric and take him to work.

I was reminded, again, that I'm not in this parenting game alone.  I'm not in this marriage game alone.  I'm not even in the game of life alone.  I am in those things as a team member and thus, it doesn't fall on me to make sure the game happens.  Instead, we do it together, and I am grateful!

grateful for Guatemala...

I miss her... this almost 13 year old of mine... and I miss then one she is with more.  I miss them with my whole heart... this heart of mine that is tied up in knots this week.  


I know that she will return on Sunday full of smiles and stories and joy.  She will tell me about surgeries she watched and patients she helped for pre-op or post-op.  She will tell me of her love of Guatemala and its people... and of her love for all things medicine.  She will return and I will hold on to her for a little while longer.


This picture... its the future of Emme.  There will be a day when she will go... and stay.  I am confident of this... for I know her heart.  I know that her heart was made to serve in this way.  My mother's brain knows this... my mother's heart ties up in a new knot... and I pray.


I pray much this week.  I think I pray for me more than for them.  I pray that somehow I will make it through.  I count the days (5 1/2 more...) as I lie awake at night.  Then I do what my heart is being conditioned to do... I count gifts.  


I give thanks.

I thank Him for Guatemala and for this opportunity.  

I thank Him that Guatemala has stolen her heart and his.  

I thank Him for what she will see and what she will do.  

I thank Him for His work... started last year at this time in an 11 year-old heart.  

I thank Him that she loves what she is doing this week.  

I thank Him for modern technology that I could even get this picture across the miles

and across a continent.

...because the honest answer is I wasn't grateful and I wasn't giving thanks last week.  I sent them off with a heart full of resentment.  I told him so.  I spewed venomous words in my anger.  He took those words with him when I dropped them off.  I brought the resentful heart home with me.

God's been working on the resentment.  He's showing me that gratitude is the cure for a good many things... discontentment, jealousy, pride, anger, self-righteousness... and resentment.  It's a lesson I hate learning, but one I need!

...so I look at this picture of this girl I love and I thank Him for Guatemala.

blown-in blessings

Happy Winds-day!

It's windy... a hold-on-to-your-hat day or a Pooh-hold-on-to-Piglet Winds-day... around these parts.  


Sometimes I feel God's presence much in the same manner than Piglet felt the wind of Winds-day.  I feel as if I am holding on for dear life as He swirls above and below me... rocking my world.  I think I fear the wind less as I experience it.  I'm learning that He has me and He is trustworthy.  He will never let go!


I also think I'm finally learning to look around in the wind to see the blessings blowing in. Just as He never lets go... He never stops blessing!


Joining in with Ann and the gratitude community to count blessings... grace gifts... again this week.


~*~
My gratitude list continues..


... for conversation with the one who rarely opens up
... for long car rides
... for a day visit to Mama and Papa
... for special one on one time with each
... for a dad who takes a son alongside to teach


... for a safe journey to Guatemala
... for modern technology that keeps us in touch
... for another trip for these two that I love deeply
... for the opportunity to use their gifts


... for a chance to be part of something greater yesterday
... for friends who loan things like tablecloths and cake plates
... for other friends who come alongside
... for the privilege of seeing those I've prayed for smile again


... for providence and protection through the storms
... for rain that renews
... for wind that reminds


... for wisdom shared by my sister
... and long phone conversations
... for laughter


... for He who blows through my life
... for His protection
... for His provision
... for His blessings

five minute Friday... goodbye

Linking up with the writing community at gypsy mama again for five minute Friday... that time when we write just to write...  we write on one common theme for five minutes without worry of syntax, grammar, verb tense, spelling, punctuation, and the like.  Care to join in?


Today's topic?  ... goodbye.  


GO


A timely topic, to be sure.  In approximately 16.5 hours, I drop them off, kiss them goodbye, and drive away.  They will get on a bus and drive 3 hours the other way... to the airport... to fly to Guatemala.


I woke up this morning with my heart in a knot, again.  This time I recognize the angst for what it is.  Last year, when they left, I couldn't articulate how I felt deep inside.  I didn't know the words for the thrill that my man and my girl were going to serve others and the deep loneliness without them.  


Someday I will go and there will be no goodbye.  I think sooner than later, we will all go... five of us getting on a bus in the middle of the night to spend 20 hours traveling.  We will do this as a family.  


Until then, though, tonight I will kiss my man and my girl goodbye and send them on... on to serve and I will remain and pray...


... and count the days until they return eight days later.


STOP

a Spring Break recap...

Spending Spring Break with those you love is never a waste of time...

...so we started our spring break with grandparents and cousins and cousin love...

in never ceases to amaze me how much my children miss their cousins when cousin time comes to an end.

On the very middle day of our Spring Break, my friend, Rachelle, returned the favor and took me and six others to Pickles for a belated birthday celebration....

where I managed to spill my plum iced tea and laugh until I thought my sides would seriously split wide open.

And, the end of our week brought a visit from dear Ohio friends, my college roommate and her family... 

beautiful weather, beautiful conversation and lots of fun as we celebrated friendships that have stood the test of time... the kind that you just pick up where you left off a year and a half ago...

and we watched in amazement as the man-cub finished off not one, but two, "Big Mike's" at our favorite deli.

there is no greater spending of time than spending it with those you love.

a great gift...

Who would have thought it?

Swimming in the lake

on April 1...

no joke...

no April Fool's

just a great gift

of cousin fun

on April 1

in Michigan!

and a great campfire

to end a wonderful day

Counting gifts on this beautiful spring morning with the gratitude community at Ann's...

the list never stops...

~*~

... for an incredible spring

... for splashes

... and giggles

... and deep belly laughs

... for "watch this, Grandma!"  

... for the lake that remains year after year

... for the memories that run deep

... for brats over the campfire

... for the call of the loon

... for the encouragement of other authors

... for good books

... for time to read

... for campfire conversations

... for the friends willing to take our dog on short notice

... for car conversations to deliver a child

... for a trip of a lifetime for the man-cub

... for the fact that I miss him

... for the man who loves my family as much as I do

... for the fact that I miss him too

... for his example of working hard

... for the time he takes to raise a man

... for His faithfulness

... for the ways He loves and gifts

... for the gifts of early spring

... and cousin time

how to roast a peep...

you might have a large pile 

of spring sticks and limbs 

that cause you to wonder...

what to do with these?

you might have a mountain

of landscaping stones from years ago

that cause you to wonder..

what to do with these?

you might have a flock of spring peeps

and a curious mind

that cause you to wonder...

what would happen if I 

combined those two with these?

so, you find a good spot

and sink your shovel

and dig and dig and dig

and dig and dig 

and dig 

some more

while someone else moves stones

heavy, heavy stones

one at a time

in the warm spring sunshine

together, the two of you

with giggles and laughs

work side by side

to build an accidentally

egg shaped 

fire pit for all to enjoy

you add the big pile of sticks

a few at a time

then a match

or two... or six...

and voila!

next you choose your favorite peep

from the flock

to be the lucky one

carefully, you spear it gently

and slowly roast over the fire

spinning it round and round

on your own rotisserie 

you watch the sugar coating

snap and pop

and smell the caramelization

you watch your lucky peep

 turn golden brown

when you are done 

you have a roasted peep

crunchy outside, melted inside...

its what happens

when you combine

a pile of sticks,

a mountain of old landscape stones

and a flock of peeps...

with some curious kids

when you can do nothing but count...

wide awake with a heavy <3.

This was my facebook status last night at 1 a.m.   Nine hours later, I'm sleepy with a heavy heart.

There are times in life when it seems like nothing makes sense or everything falls apart.  There are seasons when my heart screams... tell me, once again, who I am to You... because I can't feel it, hear it, see it, taste it or know it in my heart of hearts right now.

Sometimes the storm blows right through my world and turns everything upside down and inside out.  Mostly though, the storm is someone close.  Close enough for me to hear their wind howl... to see flying debris... to feel the pounding rain.  Close enough to hear enough, see enough, feel enough to send me to my knees.

Last week, my sister posted this and it hurt my heart... hurt not because I was in this storm but because this storm was felt by those I love... I prayed for my sister and her family... especially my two nephews who I'm particularly fond of.   

This morning, as I drove home from taking Emme to school, I was reminded of that family.  A family torn... forever changed... living a new reality that they didn't choose.  My soul had forgotten... I suffer deeply from soul amnesia.  I wish I had remembered to pray for them every single minute of every day.  I hate forgetting!

Last night, wide awake with a heavy heart brought a new circumstance to pray about.  One much closer to home.  Friends, seemingly in a spiritual battle, the likes of which I have never fought.  I prayed, we prayed, I prayed again.  

Much prayer and yet the heavy heart remained.  Heavy and restless.  Wide awake in the middle of the night.  Until...

Be anxious for nothing, 

but in everything by prayer and supplication 

with thanksgiving 

let your requests be made known to God.  

And the peace of God, 

which surpasses all comprehension, 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NASB)

He, the One True God, brought these verses to mind.  I prayed them for my friends, for myself, for my family and I counted... until sleep came.

And, though, I woke still with a heavy heart for the battle, my heart is not without hope because I know the end of the story...

I know Who wins.

~*~

Counting with the gratitude community at Ann's... join in!

For these, and so much more, I am grateful to the Grace Giver...

... for the returning sound of the spring peepers

... for early morning rain

... for the way He renews even the earth

... for a quiet Sunday morning with the not so little one

... for quick healing

... for a beautiful day for a bike ride

... for a man who put my screen door back on 

... for great deals on jeans and boots

... for the patience they have learned in waiting for what they want

... for the encouragement of friends

... for laughter, the best medicine for heart issues

... for hearing laughter in my own home

... f0r the privilege to pray

... for the heavy heart that drives me to bow before the Throne

... for family movie nights and lessons learned

... for a slow to heal elbow and a boy who is learning some great life lessons

... for the glimpses of maturity

... for the way he senses my pain and prays with me

... for a relationship that withstands heavy wind sometimes

... for forgiveness

uncomfortable...

Lord, we have become too comfortable,

Sitting across my living room last night, he prayed this.  Of all those gathered in my home, I've known him the longest.  I first met him 1983, years before I met the one I call my man.  I've known his wife almost as long.  Through the friendship of our sons we've become reacquainted.  

make us uncomfortable

He prayed this and my heart screamed NO!  NO MORE!!  A miscommunication with the facility that our church of 160 rents week after week and a bigger miscommunication with my man and I and I am welcoming sixty-six people into our home five minutes after I dash out ahead of them to do some sort of preparation.  How do you prepare for ten crock-pots and five salads?  Where do you put twelve desserts and eight casseroles?  Even more... where do you put 66 people?

so that we rely on You

...oh... yeah.... So that I rely on You.  Your power is made perfect in my weakness.  Your love shines through a dirty floor and a stack of towels on the bathroom counter.  Your grace offers nursing moms a closed door and an unmade bed for some privacy.  Your kindness says "Welcome!  Come in!"   Your goodness says, "Please, help yourselves."

I am the weaker vessel.  I did not say any of that.  In hindsight I only wish I had.  I wish I were Jesus gracious.  I wish I were Jesus kind and Jesus good.  I spout such platitudes... "this house belongs to Him, I want to use it for Him" and "all that I have is Yours" until He uses them.  Then I stomp the feet of my heart and clench its fists and allow "that's not what I meant" to seep in and start to poison my heart.  

I'm glad the other Chad prayed those words last night... words of insight, words of truth, words of grace.  The words that cooled my hot heart.  

When the last walked out the door and all that was left was a big bag of trash, I sat in the silence and listened.  I could still hear the laughter and the joy that these friends of ours brought.  

I'm sure I would have enjoyed that laughter and joy more, though, if I had listened when I was surrounded by those I love.

My list of grace gifts continues...

... for the right surgeon at the right time to put Eric's elbow back together

... for a great week with my son

... for no more pain

... for a return to school

... for surprisingly little school work to make up

... for lessons learned in communicating with the school

... for two emails this weekend as school officials strive to work with us

... for a heart that has cooled off 

... for the times God closes my mouth just as He closed the mouths of the lions with Daniel

... for the relationship my man has with Eric's surgeon

... for friends celebrating Sabbath with us

... for their wisdom in all things triathlon

... for laughter

... for great stories

... for life

... for a church that my children love

... for heart felt corporate prayer

... for honest prayer requests

... for friends

... for my man's hospitality

... for a slow morning

... for healing for my mom

... for fun phone conversations

... for family that stays connected over the miles

... for life lessons I still learn at 42

... for these and so much more, I am grateful.  

Care to join the gratitude community at Ann's and join in counting gifts to 1000 and more?