when you know you are loved...

I often forget.  I get caught up... caught up in the the things of this world that don't matter and I forget those that do.  I get wrapped up in the worries of life... trying desperately to please people and I forget those who are already pleased.  I find myself struggling... attempting to make sense of the pain and disappointment of this journey and forgetting the joy that sits before me.

Sometimes I need to be reminded.  I need the reminder that I am loved... I am cherished... I am adored... by four.  And, if there were only four, that would be enough.  However, I am blessed much more than that.

I'm learning... learning to take the gifts set before me.  To take a day of rest... to park the taxi in the garage and take up a book instead.  I'm learning to set my book aside... to pick up The Boxcar Children instead.  I'm learning to rest... to take myself to bed early, if need be, so that I can be a better wife, mother, and friend.


I'm learning... anew... that I am loved by those who matter most.

~*~

joining in with the gratitude community again this week... counting the gifts that grace my days with a heart of gratitude...


for these things and many more, I am grateful...


... for Sabbath rest
... for a garage
... for finding incredible books to read at my favorite library


... for a new mug
... and Guatemalan coffee in it
.... with creme brulee creamer


... for the not so little one who still wants me to read Boxcar Children books to her
... for back rubs from smallish hands
... for giggles


... for sibling love
... for the calm of her daddy
... for protection
... for his hand and wisdom to put her back together again


... for a day as a family
... for the joy of being together
... knowing my family wants to be with me


... for the peace of knowing a mother is celebrating in heaven
... for prayer for her family
... for a celebration of her life yesterday


... for a God who always sees
... and always knows
... and never fails to love completely

what gifts has He bestowed on you this week?

join us in counting 1000 gifts and beyond!

this mom's identity...

On Fridays over here a group of people who love to throw caution to the wind 

and just write gather to share what five minutes buys them. 

Just five minutes. 

Unscripted. Unedited. Real.

Your words. 

This shared feast.

Those are Lisa Jo's words... joining with her and her writing community at Gypsy Mama for five minute Friday.   

Today's topic: identity

GO

I wrote of this yesterday... this sense of finding my identity now that my children need me less and less.  A decade and a half of my life spent as Mama, Mommy, Mom.  A decade spent educating at home... gathering around great books, exploring together through field trips, and living life together.  I would do it all again.. over and over and over.

I wouldn't have spent this time in my life any other way.  I'm now wondering though, what do I do next?  In investing that much of my life, I also invested my identity.  I laugh because I meet people in my area now who say to me, "oh, you're that homeschool mom." To my children's friends, I am "Eric's mom" or "Emily's mom" or "Ellen's mom."  Perhaps to the neighborhood dogs, I am even "Ebony's mom."

I knew parenting wasn't for the faint of heart before I jumped in.  I did not know, though, that I would willingly invest myself to my very core into the lives of these 3 Es.  I didn't know that I would want to give up my individual identity in order to help them form theirs.  I didn't know they would become so much of who I am.

Even in the midst of a new school this year... a broken arm and a 3 hour surgery... a trip to another country... writing a novel... and another year of homeschooling my youngest, I've spent this year re-evaluating.  

Who am I?  What will I do next?  What is my purpose?  My worth?  My identity?

I don't have all the answers yet... and I may never.  However, I do know the One who knows.  And... I know that my true identity belongs in Him.  

I also know that my children will always need me.  

They have their own identities now... I don't need to give them mine.

STOP

don't lose heart...

I'm quick to give up... to give in... to lose heart.  

And... I'm not alone.

So many of us struggle to get out of bed in the morning.  We fight to stay in the fight when we'd rather walk away.  We argue with God... making demands that are not ours to dictate.  We become disillusioned and we lose heart.


Life is pain.  I know this... why am I so quick to forget?  Why does giving up seem easier than going on?  


I don't know for anyone else... but, I do know for me.  I give up, give in, and lose heart when I take my eyes off the goal.  Much like Peter walking on the water to Jesus, it's when I start looking at the storm around me rather than gazing at Jesus that I begin to sink.  Of course, then I begin to look at the fact that I'm sinking, and go further under...  

blub...blub...blub

I know this because I do this... often.  And, equally as often, a nail-scarred hand reaches out and pulls me up and sets my feet on solid ground.  He does this simply because He loves me. He calls me His child and He promises He has a plan for my future... one of good and of hope.  

I often forget... He never fails.  

I am quick to sink... He is quicker to rescue. 

I look at the storm, the waves, the water, 

anywhere but at Him... His gaze never waivers.

This week, I threw in the towel on this God-sized dream I have.  I told Him I don't have what it takes... I forgot that He does, though.  The very next day, He sent me a book to review, a community to join, and wisdom and creativity from some of the best in the business. 

I will post a review soon.  I have to say tonight, though, that Michael Hyatt's newest release, Platform: Get Noticed in a Noisy World, is speaking volumes to this heart that almost gave up.... and, it came the morning after I gave up.  My Redeemer redeemed.  He felt my tears and heard my heart's cry and reached out with what I needed for the moment.

If you've almost lost heart tonight, don't.  Please don't.  I promise His hand is waiting for you to take it.  

...take it from someone who loses heart often.

craving bread...

I've been craving bread lately...

Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. 

Whoever comes to me will never go hungry"

John 6:35 (NIV)

 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; 

yet not my will, but yours be done.”

Luke 22:42 (NIV)

But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed

Isaiah 53:5 (NKJV)

Jesus said to them, 

“Very truly I tell you, it is not Moses who has given you 

the bread from heaven, 

but it is my Father who gives you the true bread

 from heaven. 

For the bread of God is the bread that comes down from heaven 

and gives life to the world.”

John 6:32-33 (NIV)

 The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, 

took bread, and when he had given thanks, 

he broke it and said,“This is my body, which is for you; 

do this in remembrance of me."

1 Corinthians 11:23-24 (NIV)

Taste and see that the Lord is good;
    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.

Psalm 34:8 (NIV)

The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever;
The judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.
 More to be desired are they than gold,
Yea, than much fine gold;
Sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb

Psalm 19:9-10 (NKJV)

Is there any greater thanks

than to thank Him for what He has done?

Is there any greater way

to counteract the disappointments of life

than to give thanks?

eucharist = eucharisteo 

giving thanks again today

even when it's hard to make sense of life

Sweeter than Honeycomb Unleavened Bread Recipe:

3/4 c. scaled milk

1 egg

1/4 c. honey

1/4 c. butter, melted

2 1/2 c. flour

mix together milk, egg, honey, and butter.  Stir in flour until well mixed.  Knead on floured board or counter until smooth.  Cut in half.  Roll each half out and cut into desired shapes/pieces.  Bake on ungreased cookie sheet for 8-10 min at 375 or until lightly browned.

when life disappoints...

What do you do when life serves you a great big dose of disappointment?  When you realize that these trips around the sun... they're really meaningless, and you can't find hope or joy or peace.  What do you do when you feel as if you are barely hanging on and you can hardly find the gifts in the day?

hold on

Hold on to truth and let go of the lies you've believed for so long go.  

Somewhere in these 43 trips around the sun, I've bought the lie that health, wealth, and happiness equal God's blessing.  Which means I've also believed the flip-side... that when you don't have health, wealth, or happiness you are not blessed.  Lies from my enemy.  Lies that I have believed for so long.

I didn't think I believed those lies.  I thought I knew.  I was sure that my heart knew all the right answers... I guess I just didn't have the test yet.

Yesterday, I felt my heart ache, my stomach churn, my mind buzz... and my eyes leak.  I stood around the campfire yesterday as my man held me and let me question the meaning of life and the goodness of God in the land of the living.  He said little and listened much.

And, in the end, I came around... around to the fact that when life dishes me a great big dose of disappointment, I counter it by counting.  Some days it's easy to count, to see the gifts all around... yesterday, I struggled to count but in the struggle to find even ten things for which I was thankful, I felt my heart realign with His and I recognized the lies for what they were.   

and, I held on

~*~

Feeling gloomy on a gloomy Monday morning but still joining with the gratitude community at Ann's... where we all come together to count the gifts of grace from the Giver of grace.

Today I am grateful for...

... the fact that I was blessed to know Peggy

... and how she encouraged those around her

... for how she came alongside this newbie homeschooler and walked with me

... for the fact that she is with Jesus today

... for the arms that wrapped around me yesterday

... for the comfort of silence grown over 18 years

... for seasoned love

... for my 3 Es who convinced me to have friends over for a cookout last night

... for renewed friendships

... for wisdom shared in the firelight

... for the blessings that do indeed abound

... for the fact that we have food in abundance

... even Guatemalan coffee!

... for the fact that simple personal accounting mistakes that result in "insufficient funds" are easily fixed and not the end of the world

... for an incredible day of worship yesterday

... for tears that flowed freely at church

... for a God that came and met the rag-tag group that meets in a gymnasium and sits on simple folding chairs

... for watching my girl take leadership in worship yesterday

... for the answered prayer that my children would love Jesus

... and the answered prayer that we would find a church that is their home too

... for knowing we all have a place in our church family

... for a God who blesses more than I can count

... and lets me ask the hard questions

... and comforts me in the asking

... and then reveals the answers

velveteen real... 5 minute Friday

It's Friday... well, just barely... but Friday, nonetheless... thus, it is 5 minute Friday time!!


It's that time, where, to quote Lisa Jo, aka the gypsy mama, we write...


On Fridays over here a group of people who love to go all out buck wild for the fun of the written word gather to share what five minutes buys them. Just five minutes. Unscripted. Unedited. Real.


Today's topic... real...

GO


What is real?  It's a question a soft and smooth bunny once asked.  He asked the old and worn and well played with horse this question.  Perhaps the rabbit was simply making conversation... or, perhaps, he was seeking.  Seeking something that seemed unattainable.


Real.  I want it.  I seek it.  It often alludes me.  


I think I want it.  I think I want to be real... to show the real me... until I look in a mirror.  What looks back is not what I want to be seen.  Just as when I reveal the "real" me, what comes out is not what I want others to see.


Being real is a great catch phrase.  It's a great excuse.   It's not for the faint of heart.  For being real requires courage... being authentic requires strength.  Revealing the "real" me requires me to strip of the pride, self-righteousness, and arrogance that I clothe myself in to hide the naked truth... I am a mess.


What is real?  For me... for such a time as this... real is the opposite of having it all together and acting as such.  


It's much easier to pretend than to be real.  Perhaps someone should have told the Velveteen Rabbit that all those years ago.  


...but, then again, the old horse might have been on to something when he told the little bunny that though being real hurt, it was worth it because when you are real, you are loved.


STOP

anything... a review

What would happen if I surrendered it ALL?


What would happen if I would pray, "God, I will do anything.  Anything."

Jennie Allen and her husband, Zac, did just that a few years ago.  Tired of empty pursuits, they offered all that they had... their very lives... to God.  In a simple prayer of "God we will do anything. Anything" their life, as they knew it, radically changed.


Anything chronicles Zac and Jennie's journey of reckless abandon and heart-wrenching surrender of their earthly lives, through Jennie's lens.  Deep and raw are Jennie's words as she shares her heart's struggle to live out the prayer that she prayed.  She neither sugar-coats her struggles nor does she take herself too seriously as she allows her reader to see into her struggles to discover the joy that she uncovered in her quest for anything.


Praying the prayer of anything changed Jennie's perspective on everything.  No longer content to coast through life, God brought her to the place of recklessly living for Him... daily surrendering to His desires, His will, His plan for her life.  


In Jennie's words...


All my life I thought I had God's stamp of approval because my life wasn't going badly.  Now I was faced with the fear that it might actually be the opposite.  What if my life was going so beautifully because I wasn't chasing after God?


Even though the thousand problems in my soul had shifted toward one goal and one hope and I felt free, I had one new problem:  life was getting hard, the pace was picking up, and I felt reluctant. (Anything, pg 108)


Last fall, I reviewed Jennie's first Bible study, Stuck, through my affiliation with BookSneeze.  While I enjoyed that study, and have since suggested to several others, Stuck doesn't even come close to Anything... Anything is just that good.


Jennie Allen's words, her struggle, her desire for more resonate deep within me.  I understand her discontentment with the mundane... I can relate to her questions of the purpose of her life... I know the feeling of craving more.  I've been there.  I am there.  


Do I have the courage to pray "God I will do anything. Anything?"  


I don't know yet...


Anything is available through Amazon, Barnes and Noble, ChristianBook Distributors and other major retailers.  
*****
disclaimer... I was sent a complimentary copy of Anything through Shelton Interactive for my honest review of this book.  I received no other compensation.

gratitude from Pinterest...

This was floating around on facebook this weekend.  I think it originated on Pinterest but I don't know where... I don't know who gets the credit for this, I only know that I like it!

gratitude unlocks

the fullness of life

it turns what we have into 

enough and more!

it turns

denial into acceptance

chaos into clarity

problems into gifts

failures into success

the unexpected into perfect timing

and mistakes into important events

gratitude makes

sense of our past... brings peace

for today and creates a vision 

for tomorrow

Two years ago, I started following Ann... I started joining in on Multitude Monday.  I started counting gifts to change the way my heart saw things.  I took Ann's challenge to find 1000 gifts in the everyday and I was overwhelmed.  I thought that there would be NO WAY I would ever be able to count 1000 things for which I was grateful.  Instead, I was thrilled to find 100.  

I was wrong.  So wrong.  As my heart began to change, I discovered more and more gifts.  I've counted to 1000 a couple of times and I continue to count... because my heart needs to continue to change and I need to be more grateful.

~*~

On this rainy Monday morning, I'm sitting in a bowling alley with fifty jr/sr high students.  They're having a blast bowling for a fundraiser.  I watch my girl.  The one that won a year's tuition at this private school.  She's having a blast!  ... and my heart is full of gratitude to the one that provided this year for her.

...so my list continues....

...for gifts that include school

...for new friends

...for a day of fun with old friends

...for the privilege to help the ones who have helped her this year

...for a week with the one I love the most

...for all the stories from their trip to Guatemala

...for no more nights sleeping alone

...for the laughter and fun around me

...for the one who is still homeschooled

...for wisdom gifted as we continue to seek His face with their education

...for his new job

...for the thrill it gives him

...for the privilege to watch him grow up

...for this life that looks nothing like I imagined

...for the fact that it is so much better

...for dreams that are being fulfilled

...for rain

...for refreshment

...for the sound of storms in the middle of the night

...for the rain of His grace on my parched heart

...for His faithfulness in spite of my failures

...for the fact that His love is boundless and endless

18 years of gratitude...

He came home from 8 days of surgeries in Guatemala just in time to celebrate 18 years with me.  There could be no greater anniversary gift than his presence to fill the void of last week.


Eighteen years together... and I look back and think "how many minutes and days that added up to months and years have I wasted in anger, jealousy, envy, strife and discontent? Would it add up to years of un-gratitude for the gift of him?"  Probably.


Eighteen years ago, I woke up at my grandparent's lake house and smiled.  It felt like Christmas morning to my heart.  I couldn't capture all the gifts of that day... I simply did my best to live in the moment.  To this day, April 23, 1994 was the BEST day of my life... all because my best friend covenanted to love me, honor me, cherish me and put up with me for the rest of his life!  


I was young and stupid.  There was much my heart didn't know or understand.  I didn't know there would be days that he wouldn't like me and that there would be times I had to work hard to remember that I loved him.  I didn't know that I would find ways to fling words that cut deeper than a knife at his heart.... or that both of us would invent ways to maim.  I didn't know that marriage is harder than anyone ever mentions... and on that day, everyone let me live in my fairytale world as I said "I do."


I also didn't know that you cannot undo.  Instead, you move on.  Redemption, forgiveness, grace, mercy and gratitude...those are the things that makes a good marriage into a great marriage.  You celebrate the good times and commit them to your heart memory.  Equally, you cling to each other in the bad and choose to forget and remember them no more.


Nine days ago, I sent him to Guatemala with hurtful words still ringing loud in my heart... and in his.  Last night, he came home and I marveled at how his heart could forget and forgive and move on.  I marveled more at the deep bond of companionship that simply picked up where it left off... forgetting and forgiving what lies in the past and moving forward in love and in gratitude.


I'm joining in with the gratitude community at Ann's again... this time counting eighteen ways I am deeply grateful for that gift eighteen years ago... the gift of Chad...


... for the ways he loves me
... for the ways he forgives me
... for the ways he makes me laugh
... for the ways he provides
... for the way he holds my heart


... for the way he takes care of the little things so that I don't have  to
... for his sense of adventure
... for his leadership


... for the ways we have grown together
... for the memories we have made
... for the fact that I can't sleep without him


... for the way he makes up games with our children
... for the way he makes them laugh
... for the way he disciplines with love
... for the ways he understands their hearts


... for his unwavering commitment to me
... for the fact that he loves Jesus more than me
... for his spiritual leadership in this house

growth spurt...

The doctor told him, last week, that he was probably done growing.  At 6'2" and 15 years of age, he may only get one more inch of height.  

He was disappointed.

What he doesn't know, is that, really... the doctor doesn't know.  While it is true that this doctor has seen the inside (quite literally) of Eric's elbow and knows from first hand experience that there is no growth plate left... it is equally true that this doctor is making an educated guess.  Much more educated than my guess, I might add.

I tried to tell Eric this... 

I highly doubt that he believes me.  

I should have told him that he would grow in other ways... 

but, maybe he already knew that.

While he may be close to finished growing physically, he's doing an amazing amount of spiritual growing lately...  just about the time that this mom thought he had settled comfortably in a stagnant pond of mediocrity.


This one... that 6'2" 15 year old I mentioned... he shot up a few spiritual inches this week.  I've been praying for years that my children would experience God in ways that they recognize Him for Who He is.  I've prayed that God would be gracious and merciful and reveal Himself to them in ways that their own individual maturity could recognize.  I've prayed that He would move in their hearts and they would know Him.


Though he has known Jesus for most of his life...

he now knows Him deeper...

he knows what it's like to feel the Spirit move within...

he's felt the Wind stir...

he's obeyed the Voice, wondering...

and he's experienced the tears of joy that bubble up...

when you know you're part of something much greater than you

...just when this mom thought he was comfortably floating along, he gave his Bible away... to a friend in need.

...a spiritual growth spurt

of a tall 15 year old

and an answer 

to this mom's prayers.