I Surrender All... day 30

All to Jesus I surrender

All to Him I freely give;

I will ever love and trust Him,

In his presence daily live.

I surrender all, to you Jesus I surrender all, all;

All to thee, my blessed Savior,

I surrender all

surrendering my inconveniences... day 20

We sat in rapt attention... all 3000 0f us.  She who we came to hear entertained us with a monologue she had written some years before.  She titled it "Table For One."

Waiter, this is a problem!  These potatoes are lumpy.

She spoke of a woman who entered a restaurant one evening and asked for a table for one.  While she waited for her food she over heard an irate customer badgering the server for smoother potatoes.

Dey beat my fazer in de street.  Dat waz a problem....

Her potatoes are an inconvenience.

With perfect voice inflections, she continued the monologue with a conversation between the woman at the table for one and an elderly Jewish woman from Germany sitting at a neighboring table... a woman permanently scarred, rubbing her death camp tattoo.  

Dey separated my sester and I, 

 one day my sester did not come to the fence to see me.

Dey told me she was dead.

Dat waz a problem....

Her potatoes are an inconvenience.

As Donna VanLiere walked across the stage in front of me, acting the part of three woman, I sat and pondered.  I am that woman who makes an issue of lumpy potatoes.  I am the woman who knows many inconveniences and few problems.  I am that obnoxious woman.

So much of last weekend's Extraordinary Women conference spoke to my heart.  I heard it through the filter of my struggle to surrender.  Saturday morning, my heart heard Donna VanLiere say...

Many things are inconveniences...

not so many things are problems.

... in my surrender journey, I discovered there is a difference between the two.

surrendering the mess... day 19

The Messiah takes our mess

and turns it into a message of hope.

~Lysa TerKeurst

A mess can be a message?  Of hope?!  My mess?? ... only when I surrender it to His care.

I am really good at messes.  Good enough, in fact, some may call it a gift.  I make messes out of just about anything, at any time, anywhere.   Only, it's not a gift.   It's messy... slimy... grimy.

I have messes in my life that I hope no one ever sees.  I hope those who have seen have long forgotten.  I live with the fear that someone, some day will uncover the messes and have a party with the mess... the slime.. the grime... all at my expense.

When Lysa walked on that stage last weekend in Fort Wayne and said these very words, I took hope.  Hope in a Savior, my Messiah, who can take a mess and make a message of hope to others.  I sat and listened to a woman who has completely surrendered her mess to her Messiah and has a message of Hope.  I watched, with leaky eyes, as woman after woman responded to her invitation to surrender to the Messiah.  

Lysa's mess didn't look messy... slimy... grimy to me.  I saw hope... love... joy.  I want that hope... that love... that joy in my life.  Rather than live in fear that someone will uncover my messes, I need to let Someone heal my messes.


Will I let my mess define me or refine me?

I need to surrender my mess to my Messiah and let Him turn it into a message of hope.

surrendering my gifts... day 18

I should never let my gifting

take precedence over my calling.

~Michael O'Brien

In sharing his testimony as he lead worship at E-women, Michael O'Brien expressed these words of wisdom and they have found their way to my heart.

So often, I have let my gift become the most important thing in my life.  I have vainly pursued using the gift, developing the gift, or even worrying about the gift to fill the hours in my days.

My calling, though, is something I take for granted.  I am called to serve my Master.  I am called to be Chad's wife.  I am called to be mom to the 3 E's.  I am called to be daughter and sister.  

Sometimes my calling doesn't look very fancy.  It isn't shiny and new.  It doesn't sparkle or shine.  Honestly, I've been doing this calling for a long time.  The sparkly calling of a brand-new bride is now 17 1/2 years of hard work, long hours and bumps and bruises.  The fresh new calling of motherhood with the smell of my sweet newborn is long gone.  He rarely smells good anymore.  He's taller than I am and often sports an attitude of equal size.  

I can go on... I've been daughter for 42 years.  I'm confident that luster was lost when I stopped smelling like Baby Magic.  Sister?  Well, there wasn't much thrill there 40 years ago... although, my God is a Redeemer of EVERY thing and has redeemed sister relationships to sweet fellowship of sisters and sisters in Christ.

The point?  God spoke directly to my heart through Michael O'Brien this weekend.  When I grow weary of my calling, I flex my gifts.  I look for something new, shiny, sparkly and fresh to replace that of which I have grown weary.

When my gifting takes precedence over my calling, I use my gifts to glorify myself.  It becomes all about me and nothing about Him.  

...and, when I pursue my calling first, He will use my gifts for His glory.  Surrender.

**www.michaelo.org... I dare you to listen to Michael's testimony of gifting and calling.

hope and surrender... day 17

Sitting in a large conference room with 3,000 other women worshipping God is an amazing experience.  Lifting hands in song and praise... praying and listening... learning and gleaning from those wiser than I... sitting between my mom and my sister, this is how I spent my weekend at Extraordinary Women.

And, I heard it all through the filter of my desire to learn to live a surrendered life.  

Do you not know? 

   Have you not heard? 

The LORD is the everlasting God, 

   the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, 

   and his understanding no one can fathom. 

 He gives strength to the weary 

   and increases the power of the weak. 

 Even youths grow tired and weary, 

   and young men stumble and fall; 

 but those who hope in the LORD 

   will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

   they will run and not grow weary, 

   they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Everlasting hope... a key to surrender.  


As Mama T (aka Theresa Wells) said, "Hope is knowing in your knower that some day God will do what He says He will do."  


I am choosing to surrender to the everlasting hope of the Everlasting One.

surrender test... day 16

True surrender... its about my relationship with Him... 

nothing more, nothing less, nothing else...

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you.

Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

For in the end, it is between you and God.

It never was between you and them anyway.

~Mother Teresa

surrendering her weekend... day 15

Once upon a time, there was a mom who loved her kids very much.  She did much to show her kids how much she loved them.  Every ball game she was on the sidelines... every recital she was in the audience... and every school program she documented with her camera.  And in fourteen years, she had not missed a moment.


One day, this mom had to make a choice.  You see, her son was chosen... given a moment to shine... an opportunity of a life time.  The mom had other plans.  She had planned a weekend for herself... time away with a life long friend... time to refresh with family.  A girls weekend away.  But he needed her.  He needed her to be with him for this moment in time... his moment in time.  


Oh how this mom loved this teenage boy... this man-child growing up right in front of her eyes.  The decision was made years ago.  She would surrender her weekend to embrace his. She would give up her moment away to give him her time.  She would stand on the sidelines and cheer for him.  She would be in the audience when he was recognized and she would document it all through her lens.


And on this weekend when her mom and sisters are without her at Extraordinary Women 2011, she will love her son.


And, while he may not remember what she surrendered to watch him play varsity starting center as a freshman, and he may quickly forget her sacrifice to see him in the homecoming court... he will never forget that she was there... and that she loves him very much.

Absolute Surrender quote... day 14

God does not ask you to give the perfect surrender in your strength, 

or by the power of your will; God is willing to work it in you. 

Do we not read: "It is God that worketh in us, both to will and to do of His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13). ...learn to believe...

Absolute Surrender

Andrew Murray 

surrendering my heart... day 13

Gently, graciously and with lots of love God took me on a field trip 3 1/2 years ago to the ER with my beloved.  In the wee hours of our 14th anniversary, I followed an ambulance 40 miles to the nearest heart center.  Tears streamed down my face as I said over and over, "God, do you realize my heart is in that ambulance?"  

My greatest fear had been losing my man... the one whose heart is intertwined with mine.  That very fear became a potential reality when he was diagnosed with a 4.8cm ascending aortic aneurysm.  

What I didn't realize on that trip to the ER was that the hardest part was yet to come... since my man is young and otherwise healthy, the doctors determined that it would be best to simply monitor this aneurysm often, rather than risk greater problems by attempting to fix the issue.  They did casually mention, though, that at 5 cm they would become concerned.  What?!?  .2 cm is all that stood in the gap.  Oh, and the fix?  Open heart surgery  complete with 15 min on the heart/lung machine.  My fear exponentially increased day by day.  

For the first 6 months, I surrendered completely to the fear of the unknown.  Each day I dreaded the phone call that would tell me that the aneurysm ruptured and that Chad was dead before anyone knew it.  Though he would often reassure me and say, "this aneurysm changes nothing.  God is still in control." I still chose to live in fear.  I justified this by accepting others comments...

Aren't you afraid?

Can't he die from this?

Did you know this is how John Ritter died?

The night before Chad's first follow up echocardiogram and CT scan, I slept little.  He held my hand through the echo and I sat in the waiting room during the CT.  I prayed continually... 

God, you know I can't live without him.

God, Eric needs his dad.

God, please just heal him so I don't have to be afraid anymore.

Though I prayed continually, I felt no peace.  Instead, all I had was a heart gripped with self-absorption, fear and uncertainty.

There is no fear in love. 

But perfect love drives out fear, 

because fear has to do with punishment. 

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

The Sunday after meeting with the Dr. to hear that the aneurysm had not changed, I stood to worship... tears streaming down my face.  We were singing of God's grace and His mercy.  Who was I to sing of these gifts when I stubbornly refused to accept them?  Who was I to stand before my Creator singing of His love and obstinately clinging to fear?

The journey of surrendering Chad's heart... my heart... started on that Sunday in November almost 3 years ago.  It's been a journey, rather than a destination.  I wish I could say that I live every single day in completely surrendering this aneurysm.  

Instead, I surrender my heart and his every day.

when others see your surrender... day 12

If you would ask me how I would define this journey of surrender, I would use just 2 words... deeply personal.  It isn't something that I have spoken of much over the last 9 years.  Honestly, I had felt that it was an experiment in failure.  Why discuss something in which I had failed miserably?

I should have known, though, that those closest to me know me better than I know myself...

I know that Matthew's story is the rawest, deepest part of this journey for you, 

but as I have watched from the sidelines, I think his story was just the beginning 

of you learning how to die to self.  To me it seems, that Matthew

 and your other miscarriages were how God got you to surrender 

your image of motherhood and how it would look for you. 

How he moved you beyond judgement to Grace. But I have also watched

 in amazement how God has used your journey through debt and how you 

have died to materialism and been raised again in the land of contentment.  

I also stand in awe of how you have learned how die to what you thought marriage 

was with Chad's heart issues.   So, not to make light of Matthew's story in your life, 

I think you have much to share on the idea of God's faithful pursuit of your whole heart. 

Those were my sister's words to me this summer after she read a very rough manuscript of the story of our stillborn son.  Honestly, her kind and gracious words shook me to my core... what I could not see in my own deeply personal struggle was that I had experienced victory.  

Yes, this journey of surrender is deeply personal... and, yes, I do strongly dislike having to ask for help.  However, my own vision is tainted with vanity and selfish ambition.  Through her insight, I have learned I need other's to pray for me, encourage me and to see the victories for me.

I need others to see me surrender because I often can't see it myself.  

surrendering the season... day 11

Life changes. People come and go, and seasons never last.

I borrowed this quote from the facebook wall of my friend, Makayli.  At 16, she is wise beyond her years.  

Throughout a beautiful autumn, I am struggling with the changing of seasons.  Not the change of the calendar seasons... from summer to fall to winter... but, instead, the change of life seasons.

I look at this picture taken just two years ago at the end of summer on the shores of Lake Michigan and I mourn the loss of that season.   Not only was it the end of summer but it was also the end of childhood for my two oldest.  They've now morphed into teenagers... need I say more?

For about 15 months, I have been mourning the loss of that childhood more than I realized.  I missed those kids... especially that carefree boy.  I also found myself missing the little one in the picture.  Somehow she became a big kid when I wasn't looking.  

Just recently, I've realized how much time I wasted mourning for what no longer exists.  Instead of surrendering the season to memories and embracing this new season, I was pining for the days gone by.  Funny thing, though, when I realized the days in my memory don't really look like reality.

Life changes... seasons never last.  Wise words from a teenager.  

surrendering the barbs... day 10

Barbs. You know, those words that people speak that tend to stick. These are not the light-as-a-feather positive comments that people say. Instead, these are the words that seem to be wrapped in velcro. As the words enter your mind, the barbs stick right into your heart. Often, I struggle with the barbs that are stuck in my heart. It's hard for me to forget them.

Yesterday was a gor.ge.ous day! Seriously, our fall colors are vibrant here and yesterday was a clear and warm 80* day. Not only was it a beautiful morning, but our drive to church was pleasant as well (sorry to say it isn't always so...). I walked into church with a light heart.

Within ten minutes of being in our church building, my heart was wearing barbs. Every

church has negative people and our fellowship is no different. Just as I can't change this fact, I also can't change the way some people speak to me. However, I can change the way I respond.

During our music worship time I was really struggling. Thoughts of what had been said to me

filled my mind. I felt hurt and defeated. Gently, I felt the Holy Spirit remind me that I could allow those words to stick by continuing to rehearse that earlier conversation in my mind or I could surrender the barbs... refusing to let them stick.

Surrendering not only released the barbs but moved me out of the briar patch... the rest of the church service was incredible!

surrender and rest... day 9

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest.  

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

 for I am gentle and humble in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls."

~Jesus Christ

weekends are for... surrender... day 8

Weekends are for stopping the rat race and, instead, embracing a slower pace.

Weekends are for Friday night football... home team winning on a touchdown run with .01 seconds left in the game.


Weekends are for movies and dates... and the movie "Courageous" with my date.


Weekends are for pumpkin patches and the choosing of the perfect jack-o-lantern.


Weekends are for staying up late and sleeping in later.


Weekends are for setting aside the "to-do" list and capturing moments that lead to memories.

...weekends are for surrender.

laying it down or waving the white flag... day 7

Is true surrender the act of willingly laying down that which I am giving up?  Is it readily handing over that which I gladly hand to Him?

...or...

Is true surrender the waving of the proverbial white flag... a torn, stained, battered rag while I am barely holding on to the flagpole?  Is it a last-ditch effort of acquiescence? 

In this sinful, war-torn world in which we live, I think it's both.  

Surrender is sometimes me gladly handing over something to the One I trust the most. With joyful heart and willing spirit I give to Him that which He asks.... and, I don't look back.

While that is a true definition in my world "sometimes", the truer definition... or at least the definition that happens most often... is me waving my white flag in defeat.  I don't surrender easily... nor do I give up joyfully and willingly.... and, I often look back.

The most amazing part of this story is not the clarification of the definition of surrender.  Instead, it is that my God accepts both actions from me.  He wants me to hand over my life to Him... willingly, gladly, joyfully.  However, when I come to Him in a crumbled heap of a mess with a war torn and stained white flag, He accepts me then too.

I've spent too much time trying to righteously self-righteously determine a proper definition of the idea of surrender.  I have worried more about the meaning of the idea than of the idea, itself.  I have spent more time defining and less time surrendering.  

The correct answer is ... all of the above... and more.

surrendering the Mama Bear in me... day 6

The last volleyball game of the season and I sat in the bleachers with the other parents and fans... simultaneously talking, cheering and watching.  Watching my heart sitting on the bench across the gym floor.  Watching players rotating in and out of a volleyball match while one sat and waited... until all had rotated in but her.  Watching but saying nothing.


A nudge and a tap on my shoulder from a kindred spirit...  

"She's played them all but Emme.  How are you doing?"

"I'm okay.  Since she's not reacting, I'm trying not to."

"It's hard to keep the Mama Bear in check, though, isn't it?"

"Yep!"

and then I glanced across that shiny floor one more time... and saw my heart break.  A girl alternating between glancing occasionally at her coach with hope on her face and staring at the floor trying to keep her emotions in check.


Our team lost the first match and won the second.  There would be one more match.


God has a way of redeeming situations around me when I surrender to Him.  When I told Him I wanted to live a surrendered life, I guess I didn't think of all the nooks and crannies of my world that He would want also.  I'm learning that He wants it all.


In the midst of the third match, Emme rotated in to serve.  A hesitant smile and bam!  The ball sailed beautifully over the net.  However, on the volley we turned it over.  Emme rotated out at the next serve.  One last chance to play... one happy, happy girl.  One smiling Mama Bear.


Another nudge and pat from behind me.  A reminder from my kindred friend that God sees and God knows and it is all good.


12-14... we are down... game point served for the opponents and we score!  

"Heidi!  LOOK!!"

My eyes caught a girl running into the game with a grin from ear to ear.  One more chance to play and a beautiful serve.  As the ball volleyed back, I saw a girl dig like she's never dug before and on her bump back, our team scored.  

How can a heart that was moments before breaking now be soaring? 

How can a downcast face that struggled to not cave to emotions be beaming?

How can that same girl that sat the bench through the first two matches serve the game point and win the game?

This is the lesson I'm learning... in surrender there is redemption...  

and just as surrender is an on-going thing, so is redemption.

**photo credit goes to my facebook and real life friend, Ernesto Flores... I respectfully borrowed this pic from his facebook wall.  Thanks Ernesto!!

surrender...day 5

this moment is all that you ask of me,

i can either give it to you,

or turn it into a fist and

try to keep it to myself.

and fail.

A Heart Exposed by Steven James

the start of surrender...day 4

"If God gave me the choice of 

still being pregnant with Matthew 

and delivering him safe and healthy or 

leaving Matthew safe in His arms

and keeping all that I've learned about

my Savior,

I'd choose to leave Matthew with Him

and be grateful for all He has taught me."

Those really are the words I spoke to a friend just a few weeks after burying our stillborn son, Matthew... over 9 years ago.   

Although I didn't know it, surrendering my stillborn son was the beginning of a journey.  A journey of learning to surrender all into His care... to turn all my ups and downs, all my hurts and pains, all my gifts and talents, all of my future and all of my past over to the One who knows me best.

It's not been an easy journey, nor has it always been joyful.  The journey is not finished, nor will it be until I see Him face to face.  However, it has been a wonderful journey of learning to let go and let Him work in me.  

surrendering to the seat warmer...day 3

Some days surrender begins earlier in the day than others.  

Sometimes surrender means giving up what I want for the good of someone else.

And, occasionally I get it right.

The flu bug hit fast and hard yesterday.  By the time we were half way finished with our church service I was melting.  Fever, achy joints, sore throat, headache... all classic flu symptoms.  My personal nurse (I highly recommend that everyone have a personal nurse) volunteered to drive me home before church was finished and I took him up on that offer.  I spent the rest of Sunday alternating between sleeping and being wrapped up in a blanket watching NFL.  Aside from the pain and malaise, it's not a bad way to spend a Sunday.  I wrongly assumed that one day down and I'd be up and at them today.


Needless to say, today was not a good day to oversleep and miss the bus.  Especially considering that I had to share my personal nurse with the hospital today.  His last words to me before he left for work, "Goodbye.  I love you.  And, Eric just got up."  


Ugh!


Some days the opportunity to surrender begins earlier in the day than others. Today my first opportunity to surrender came at 6:54 a.m.  Maybe it was because my throat hurt too badly to do any loud complaining or perhaps because I was still semi-comatose, either way I quietly surrendered to Eric's need and got dressed.  We were out the door in 10 minutes, me with a warmed up cup of coffee and my seat warmer on; and Eric with a bad start to his Monday.


It's been said that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond.  I wish I could have articulated this to Eric this morning.  I know his response... it's my typical response.  Rather than surrender to One who knows the plans He has for me, I tend to fight back.  I guess after 42 years, I'm learning that it is in my attitude toward life that I struggle with surrender the most.  


To quote Rich Mullins...

Surrender don't come natural to me

I'd rather fight You for something

I don't really want

Than to take what You give that I need

And I've beat my head against so many walls

Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

So, this morning, I found myself giving up what I wanted for the good of someone else and with my lukewarm cup of coffee and my seat warmer on, I prayed for the boy to learn surrender easier than his mother has.