when you know you are loved...

I often forget.  I get caught up... caught up in the the things of this world that don't matter and I forget those that do.  I get wrapped up in the worries of life... trying desperately to please people and I forget those who are already pleased.  I find myself struggling... attempting to make sense of the pain and disappointment of this journey and forgetting the joy that sits before me.

Sometimes I need to be reminded.  I need the reminder that I am loved... I am cherished... I am adored... by four.  And, if there were only four, that would be enough.  However, I am blessed much more than that.

I'm learning... learning to take the gifts set before me.  To take a day of rest... to park the taxi in the garage and take up a book instead.  I'm learning to set my book aside... to pick up The Boxcar Children instead.  I'm learning to rest... to take myself to bed early, if need be, so that I can be a better wife, mother, and friend.


I'm learning... anew... that I am loved by those who matter most.

~*~

joining in with the gratitude community again this week... counting the gifts that grace my days with a heart of gratitude...


for these things and many more, I am grateful...


... for Sabbath rest
... for a garage
... for finding incredible books to read at my favorite library


... for a new mug
... and Guatemalan coffee in it
.... with creme brulee creamer


... for the not so little one who still wants me to read Boxcar Children books to her
... for back rubs from smallish hands
... for giggles


... for sibling love
... for the calm of her daddy
... for protection
... for his hand and wisdom to put her back together again


... for a day as a family
... for the joy of being together
... knowing my family wants to be with me


... for the peace of knowing a mother is celebrating in heaven
... for prayer for her family
... for a celebration of her life yesterday


... for a God who always sees
... and always knows
... and never fails to love completely

what gifts has He bestowed on you this week?

join us in counting 1000 gifts and beyond!

when life disappoints...

What do you do when life serves you a great big dose of disappointment?  When you realize that these trips around the sun... they're really meaningless, and you can't find hope or joy or peace.  What do you do when you feel as if you are barely hanging on and you can hardly find the gifts in the day?

hold on

Hold on to truth and let go of the lies you've believed for so long go.  

Somewhere in these 43 trips around the sun, I've bought the lie that health, wealth, and happiness equal God's blessing.  Which means I've also believed the flip-side... that when you don't have health, wealth, or happiness you are not blessed.  Lies from my enemy.  Lies that I have believed for so long.

I didn't think I believed those lies.  I thought I knew.  I was sure that my heart knew all the right answers... I guess I just didn't have the test yet.

Yesterday, I felt my heart ache, my stomach churn, my mind buzz... and my eyes leak.  I stood around the campfire yesterday as my man held me and let me question the meaning of life and the goodness of God in the land of the living.  He said little and listened much.

And, in the end, I came around... around to the fact that when life dishes me a great big dose of disappointment, I counter it by counting.  Some days it's easy to count, to see the gifts all around... yesterday, I struggled to count but in the struggle to find even ten things for which I was thankful, I felt my heart realign with His and I recognized the lies for what they were.   

and, I held on

~*~

Feeling gloomy on a gloomy Monday morning but still joining with the gratitude community at Ann's... where we all come together to count the gifts of grace from the Giver of grace.

Today I am grateful for...

... the fact that I was blessed to know Peggy

... and how she encouraged those around her

... for how she came alongside this newbie homeschooler and walked with me

... for the fact that she is with Jesus today

... for the arms that wrapped around me yesterday

... for the comfort of silence grown over 18 years

... for seasoned love

... for my 3 Es who convinced me to have friends over for a cookout last night

... for renewed friendships

... for wisdom shared in the firelight

... for the blessings that do indeed abound

... for the fact that we have food in abundance

... even Guatemalan coffee!

... for the fact that simple personal accounting mistakes that result in "insufficient funds" are easily fixed and not the end of the world

... for an incredible day of worship yesterday

... for tears that flowed freely at church

... for a God that came and met the rag-tag group that meets in a gymnasium and sits on simple folding chairs

... for watching my girl take leadership in worship yesterday

... for the answered prayer that my children would love Jesus

... and the answered prayer that we would find a church that is their home too

... for knowing we all have a place in our church family

... for a God who blesses more than I can count

... and lets me ask the hard questions

... and comforts me in the asking

... and then reveals the answers

gratitude from Pinterest...

This was floating around on facebook this weekend.  I think it originated on Pinterest but I don't know where... I don't know who gets the credit for this, I only know that I like it!

gratitude unlocks

the fullness of life

it turns what we have into 

enough and more!

it turns

denial into acceptance

chaos into clarity

problems into gifts

failures into success

the unexpected into perfect timing

and mistakes into important events

gratitude makes

sense of our past... brings peace

for today and creates a vision 

for tomorrow

Two years ago, I started following Ann... I started joining in on Multitude Monday.  I started counting gifts to change the way my heart saw things.  I took Ann's challenge to find 1000 gifts in the everyday and I was overwhelmed.  I thought that there would be NO WAY I would ever be able to count 1000 things for which I was grateful.  Instead, I was thrilled to find 100.  

I was wrong.  So wrong.  As my heart began to change, I discovered more and more gifts.  I've counted to 1000 a couple of times and I continue to count... because my heart needs to continue to change and I need to be more grateful.

~*~

On this rainy Monday morning, I'm sitting in a bowling alley with fifty jr/sr high students.  They're having a blast bowling for a fundraiser.  I watch my girl.  The one that won a year's tuition at this private school.  She's having a blast!  ... and my heart is full of gratitude to the one that provided this year for her.

...so my list continues....

...for gifts that include school

...for new friends

...for a day of fun with old friends

...for the privilege to help the ones who have helped her this year

...for a week with the one I love the most

...for all the stories from their trip to Guatemala

...for no more nights sleeping alone

...for the laughter and fun around me

...for the one who is still homeschooled

...for wisdom gifted as we continue to seek His face with their education

...for his new job

...for the thrill it gives him

...for the privilege to watch him grow up

...for this life that looks nothing like I imagined

...for the fact that it is so much better

...for dreams that are being fulfilled

...for rain

...for refreshment

...for the sound of storms in the middle of the night

...for the rain of His grace on my parched heart

...for His faithfulness in spite of my failures

...for the fact that His love is boundless and endless

18 years of gratitude...

He came home from 8 days of surgeries in Guatemala just in time to celebrate 18 years with me.  There could be no greater anniversary gift than his presence to fill the void of last week.


Eighteen years together... and I look back and think "how many minutes and days that added up to months and years have I wasted in anger, jealousy, envy, strife and discontent? Would it add up to years of un-gratitude for the gift of him?"  Probably.


Eighteen years ago, I woke up at my grandparent's lake house and smiled.  It felt like Christmas morning to my heart.  I couldn't capture all the gifts of that day... I simply did my best to live in the moment.  To this day, April 23, 1994 was the BEST day of my life... all because my best friend covenanted to love me, honor me, cherish me and put up with me for the rest of his life!  


I was young and stupid.  There was much my heart didn't know or understand.  I didn't know there would be days that he wouldn't like me and that there would be times I had to work hard to remember that I loved him.  I didn't know that I would find ways to fling words that cut deeper than a knife at his heart.... or that both of us would invent ways to maim.  I didn't know that marriage is harder than anyone ever mentions... and on that day, everyone let me live in my fairytale world as I said "I do."


I also didn't know that you cannot undo.  Instead, you move on.  Redemption, forgiveness, grace, mercy and gratitude...those are the things that makes a good marriage into a great marriage.  You celebrate the good times and commit them to your heart memory.  Equally, you cling to each other in the bad and choose to forget and remember them no more.


Nine days ago, I sent him to Guatemala with hurtful words still ringing loud in my heart... and in his.  Last night, he came home and I marveled at how his heart could forget and forgive and move on.  I marveled more at the deep bond of companionship that simply picked up where it left off... forgetting and forgiving what lies in the past and moving forward in love and in gratitude.


I'm joining in with the gratitude community at Ann's again... this time counting eighteen ways I am deeply grateful for that gift eighteen years ago... the gift of Chad...


... for the ways he loves me
... for the ways he forgives me
... for the ways he makes me laugh
... for the ways he provides
... for the way he holds my heart


... for the way he takes care of the little things so that I don't have  to
... for his sense of adventure
... for his leadership


... for the ways we have grown together
... for the memories we have made
... for the fact that I can't sleep without him


... for the way he makes up games with our children
... for the way he makes them laugh
... for the way he disciplines with love
... for the ways he understands their hearts


... for his unwavering commitment to me
... for the fact that he loves Jesus more than me
... for his spiritual leadership in this house

blown-in blessings

Happy Winds-day!

It's windy... a hold-on-to-your-hat day or a Pooh-hold-on-to-Piglet Winds-day... around these parts.  


Sometimes I feel God's presence much in the same manner than Piglet felt the wind of Winds-day.  I feel as if I am holding on for dear life as He swirls above and below me... rocking my world.  I think I fear the wind less as I experience it.  I'm learning that He has me and He is trustworthy.  He will never let go!


I also think I'm finally learning to look around in the wind to see the blessings blowing in. Just as He never lets go... He never stops blessing!


Joining in with Ann and the gratitude community to count blessings... grace gifts... again this week.


~*~
My gratitude list continues..


... for conversation with the one who rarely opens up
... for long car rides
... for a day visit to Mama and Papa
... for special one on one time with each
... for a dad who takes a son alongside to teach


... for a safe journey to Guatemala
... for modern technology that keeps us in touch
... for another trip for these two that I love deeply
... for the opportunity to use their gifts


... for a chance to be part of something greater yesterday
... for friends who loan things like tablecloths and cake plates
... for other friends who come alongside
... for the privilege of seeing those I've prayed for smile again


... for providence and protection through the storms
... for rain that renews
... for wind that reminds


... for wisdom shared by my sister
... and long phone conversations
... for laughter


... for He who blows through my life
... for His protection
... for His provision
... for His blessings

thoughts from Emmaus....

Then he said to them, "So thick-headed! So slow-hearted! 

Why can't you simply believe all that the prophets said? 

Don't you see that these things had to happen, that the Messiah 

had to suffer and only then enter into his glory?" Then he started at the beginning, with the Books of Moses, and went on through all the Prophets, pointing out everything in the Scriptures that referred to him.

Luke 24:25-27

I've read the account of the followers of Jesus on the road to Emmaus many times.  I thought I knew it... I really did.  Until yesterday.

Yesterday, Resurrection Sunday 2012, I realized that I could have easily been one of those travelers... we think along similar lines... we doubt.

On the very same day that Jesus defied death FOREVER and rose again, 

those followers of Him doubted...

we thought He was the One...

On the very same day that Peter saw the empty tomb, 

those followers of Him doubted...

it's been three days...

On the very same day that Jesus revealed Himself 

and His risen body to Mary in the garden, 

those followers of HIM doubted...

not our Jesus...

So often... I doubt.

On the very same day that a miracle happens,

I doubt...

it's just a coincidence...

On the very same day that I see something empty,

I doubt..

but I've prayed for 3 days.. or 5 days... or forever...

On the very same day that He shows Himself to me...

I doubt...

it couldn't be Him

Yesterday... on the very same day we celebrate a risen King... I doubted and then I heard Him...

So thick-headed

so slow-hearted!

I don't want to be like those followers of Him who walked to Emmaus in doubt and disbelief... I want to be like the women at the tomb who ran and told everyone HE IS RISEN!

Counting gifts again with the gratitude community at Ann's because one of the best ways to announce HE IS RISEN is to shout all the ways He shows Himself to me and to list all the ways He blesses...in gratitude there is no room for doubt.

~*~

... for the privilege to serve a risen King!

... for the freedom to worship 

... for the privilege to honor and celebrate Resurrection Sunday

... for early mornings and remembering the women who ran to the tomb


... for sunrises services
... and church brunches
... for worship
... and laughter with a church family


... for a friend filled week
... and friends who traveled to be with us
... for conversations that pick up where you leave off
... for great cousin time


... for sunrises
... and sunsets
... and friends who for a campfire that ends a great spring break


... for the opportunity to tell my story again
... for the Author who pens a story that brings Him glory


... for modern medicine
... for a long-time doctor who understands
... for another antibiotic


... for a Savior who reaches down in the middle of a church service to speak directly to this  slow-hearted, thick-headed follower.

a great gift...

Who would have thought it?

Swimming in the lake

on April 1...

no joke...

no April Fool's

just a great gift

of cousin fun

on April 1

in Michigan!

and a great campfire

to end a wonderful day

Counting gifts on this beautiful spring morning with the gratitude community at Ann's...

the list never stops...

~*~

... for an incredible spring

... for splashes

... and giggles

... and deep belly laughs

... for "watch this, Grandma!"  

... for the lake that remains year after year

... for the memories that run deep

... for brats over the campfire

... for the call of the loon

... for the encouragement of other authors

... for good books

... for time to read

... for campfire conversations

... for the friends willing to take our dog on short notice

... for car conversations to deliver a child

... for a trip of a lifetime for the man-cub

... for the fact that I miss him

... for the man who loves my family as much as I do

... for the fact that I miss him too

... for his example of working hard

... for the time he takes to raise a man

... for His faithfulness

... for the ways He loves and gifts

... for the gifts of early spring

... and cousin time

gift... 5 minute Friday

...joining in with Lisa Jo and her 5 Minute Friday community, again... that place in the bloggy world where we write for five minutes flat on a one-word common topic.  We write because we are writers, not because we want to impress one another.  We write without correction, and then we read each other's thoughts... and I'm always impressed.   


Care to join in?  Today's word... gift.


GO


I write a lot about gifts.  I keep a list of my grace gifts, I blog about gifts... I even wrote a novel about gifts.  I love gifts.  


I'm learning, though, that I'm a bit of a gift snob.  I like the good gifts... no, actually LOVE the good gifts.  I pick and choose... I don't LOVE, in fact, I don't even LIKE the not so good gifts.   I whine and complain about those.  


They are gifts though... the gifts of heartache and shame that cause me to run to the Throne of Grace... the gifts of pain and discomfort that cause me to rely not on my strength, but on His... the gifts of disappointment and discouragement that remind me this world is not my home.


I started a list of gifts a few years ago.  For a long time, the list only consisted of the "good gifts" that I found in each new day.  Gifts such as... a beautiful sunrise, a flower from my girl, a word of thanks from the man-cub, a note on my bathroom mirror from the woman-child.  All good gifts, and my heart was thankful.


Somewhere over that time... He has taken my heart on a life field trip to see the good in all of it... to see that He is the Redeemer and He can take an achy heart and cause it to praise Him... to understand that it is He that makes beauty from ashes, and makes all things new.


I love gifts and listing gifts.  I love, even more, that my Savior isn't finished with me yet.  He's teaching me new things... He's teaching me to count it all on my list of gifts because He is my Redeemer.


STOP

to Uganda... with chocolate

There is something amazing about counting gifts together in this world wide community called the blogosphere.


From my little corner lot, I typically blog early in the morning.  Two kids off to school, one still sleeping... a cup of coffee and my computer in my lap and I'm off to explore worlds otherwise unknown to me.  I click on thumbnails and observe.  I read and I learn.  I sit at the feet of those wiser than I and glean.  There is community in this Body of Christ across the miles.


Somewhere in that gratitude community, I found Kelly... or maybe Kelly found me.  I'm not sure.  I just know that my heart smiles when I see her pictures and read her words posted on Hand in Hand with the Hallahans, from Uganda, East Africa.  I see her life, her struggles, her victories and her defeats.  I can read and I can pray for her, simply because we are part of the same Body... His Body.


Monday, I read Kelly's ongoing list...

6041.  chocolate chip cookies- with our last chocolate chips.  luxury

I read and I laugh because I know that just two days before my man came home with "some chocolate chips for baking."  Some?!?  Like a dozen bags?  Yes, we were baking for a bake sale but it takes a lot of baking to go through a dozen bags of chocolate chips.   So, I stowed them in the freezer and forgot about them for a few hours, until Kelly's gratitude list prompted the memory of the frozen chips.

What do you do with "some chocolate chips for baking" when you read of a friend in East Africa who sees chocolate chips as a luxury?  You thank God for your husband's foresight and you thaw some chips and box them right up.  Then you and your not-so-little-one giggle as you wonder what shape the chocolate chips will be in when they reach their destination.  

You know, though, that whatever they look like when they arrive, they will be appreciated because you've sent them with love.

And, you pray and thank God for your new international penpals and the privilege it is to be part of a gratitude community world wide.

*** I so had high hopes of this post.  I was going to post beautiful pictures of Ellen packing a box full of chocolate chips.  I was going to take a picture of her taping the box closed and a picture of her at the post office.  Yep... I surely was.... until we got home from the post office and I realized that a box was on its way to Uganda and I completely forgot to document it with photographs.  Oh well... imagine with me, won't you?!

when life disappoints...

I have a unsettling way of clinging to expectations.  I have some expectations of how people in my world around me will be/act/do, more expectations for myself and how I will be/act/do... and the most expectations for my God.  I have great expectations for God and what He will be/act/do for me.


This is one of those times when I hate looking at the heart mirror and seeing the reflection.  It's not so lovely... in fact, it's kinda ugly.


That ugly came out in an epic ugly cry the other night.  Deep sobs that cause your entire head to fill up so full that the only way to breathe is to gasp deep mouthfuls of oxygen between the tears.  It was truly that pathetic.


Six years ago, nine days before I turned 37, I had to have a complete hysterectomy.  Trust me... this was not a life expectation for me.  Instead, this journey has been one full of heartache, shame, hot flashes, extreme weight gain, and pain.  In two hours, my body went from one hormone extreme to the other and has never recuperated.  The alternative, though, was to bleed to death.   I only had a choice between the lesser of two evils.


I have fiercely clung, for six years, to the expectation that if I just be/act/do enough, God will restore me to my pre-surgery body... with more energy, less heat, less pain, more confidence, etc., etc.   If I just did enough, He would allow exercise to take the weight off, instead of just being something I endure.  The longer I let this expectation grow, the more fiercely I held on...


...until last week.  In His severe mercy, He is removing my death grip on this expectation.  


His expectations are not mine and my expectations only serve to get in the way of His good and pleasing work in my life.  

THIS... today... this is my life.  There is nothing He has not allowed and if I will only let go, all could be used for His glory.  

Though I despise this large, earthly tent that walks around with aching joints and hot flashes, it is the temple He has chosen, and questioning the "why?" of that only serves to feed the fire of disappointment, self-pity, and personal loathing.  It does nothing to further His Kingdom.

In the midst of the ugly cry and the "it's not fair! routine" the other night... the sweet, still whisper of "Count."

"but, I don't want to.  I can count, and it changes nothing.  It's still not fair."

"Count gifts because when life disappoints, I make beauty from ashes."

So, I count...

~*~

... for the man who held me through the night

... for the fact that in 18 years he's never left

... for laughter and remembering 

... for faithfulness

... for this man who gave his word when he said "for better, for worse"

... for a day with the four I love the most

... for laughter as the mancub continues, and continues, and continues to fill his growing body

... for new birthday books

... for lunch out

... for the surprises

... and the smiles that deliver surprises

... for friends who listen and laugh

... for children who love

... for the greenest March ever!

... for the bird's songs

... and the night peepers answers

... for the knowledge that His Word is Truth

... for the way He woes

... for the ways He loves

... for the eternity of His promises

~*~

care to join in with the gratitude community at Ann's today and count the gifts in your life?