frozen in fear... and thawing out of it...

I've been frozen in fear for a while now... didn't realize it, though, until I heard Jennie Allen talk about being stuck in fear (I reviewed her Stuck Bible study here).  


Sometimes I find myself so stuck that the "what if... " questions become comfortable companions.  

What if I fail?

What if they don't like it?

What if I embarrass myself?

...my loved ones?

What if someone hates it?

What if they reject me?

what if...

what if...

what if...

I live with those question and a thousand more and allow them to become close friends.  I allow them to fill my mind, my thoughts, my waking moments.  I spend all my time with them 24/7.

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. 

On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself 

up against the knowledge of God, 

and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 

And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, 

once your obedience is complete.

2 Corinthians 10:4-6

Slowly... ever so slowly... I'm learning that way out of being frozen in fear is to surrender to the Son.  When I surrender my thoughts... those thoughts that have plagued me... I surrender to One greater than I who sees what I do not.  

Sometimes He calls me to surrender the fear to His care and walk away.  Other times, He calls me to surrender the fear to His care and trust Him as I face the very thing of which I am afraid.

...either way, the thaw comes from the warmth of the Son...

 and in His Light, I bloom where I am planted.  

so much left to surrender... day 31

Truly, I want to live a surrendered life.  I want to surrender my all to His care.  I want to be a masterpiece for Him.


I'm not there.  I haven't arrived.  I have much to learn... much more to surrender.  In this "instant society" with our instant pictures through digital photography, instant communication via social networking and instant food through the drive-thru, I find it hard to wait.  


Surrender is a journey... the destination will be the day I see my Savior face to face.  The pilgrimage is my day by day choice to surrender rather than fight... to lay down my cares rather than run into the battle myself... to trust and obey.


... and to not get overwhelmed at my incompleteness but to continue striving for a life of surrender.

the end or the beginning?... day 29

This blogging journey of 31 Days of Surrender is coming to an end... two more days of October, two more days to compete the 31 day challenge.

I jumped into this challenge, at the last minute, wondering how anyone would ever be able to write daily posts for an entire month all on the same subject.  All I knew is that I was being prompted to try this... and that surrender was the topic.

Surrender has never come easy to me.  I fight... a lot.  However, in this journey of living a surrendered life, I'm learning that freedom is in the surrender... joy is in the journey... and a life surrendered is a life used for His glory.

This month of 31 Days of Surrender has been a month of life lessons taught to my heart by my Rabbi Teacher.  There have been things I thought I would certainly write about and things that I have been hesitant to mention.  Somewhere along the way, though, I think I even surrendered this challenge.  I found Him directing my words and posts.  I felt Him leading me when and what to write.  I followed Him as He taught me.  He's been gentle and kind and taught me through humor and heartache.  I'm learning that it is not a 31 day kind of lesson... its a life long journey of daily surrendering all that I have to Him.

Monday won't be the end of the journey for me... instead, it will be the beginning of surrendering the rest of my life.

surrendering the battle... day 26

...all the assembly will know that the LORD

does not deliver by sword or by spear,

for the battle is the LORD's

and He will give you into our hands.

1 Samuel 17:47 (NASB)

I've been burdened lately with a battle.  A battle bigger than the one a young shepherd boy walked into many years ago... an ancient battle between the Israelites and the Philistines and a huge man named Goliath... between good and evil. 

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert.

Your adversary, the devil,

prowls around like a roaring lion,

seeking someone to devour.

1 Peter 5:8 (NASB)

The battle continues today.  The enemy of young David has not given up these thousands of years later.  He still fights to the death to seek and destroy.  Jesus acknowledged the battle...

The thief comes only to steal

and kill and destroy: I came

that they may have life and 

have it abundantly.

John 10:10 (NASB)

There is nothing fair about this battle.  Unlike young David, I battle that which I can not see.  The apostle, Paul, recognized the unseen enemy...

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,

but against the rulers,

against the powers,

against the world forces of this darkness,

against the spiritual forces of wickedness 

in the heavenly places.

Ephesians 6:12 (NASB)

My burden is this... this unseen enemy is not only battling for me... he battles for my children as well.  He will use any measure at his disposal to get to my children.  He's the worst bully ever and his greatest desire is to steal, kill and destroy.  He wants to destroy any testimony that my kids would have... he wants to steal them... he wants to kill them.  

Look who's here: Mountain-Shaper! Wind-Maker!
   He laid out the whole plot before Adam.
He brings everything out of nothing,
   like dawn out of darkness.
He strides across the alpine ridges.
   His name is God, God-of-the-Angel-Armies.

Amos 4:13 (message)

My enemy doesn't play fair and neither do I!  I have the greatest weapon on my side... the God of the Angel Armies!!!  This ugly enemy has tried to convince me that this is my battle and I must fight it on my own.  I have been overwhelmed and out-numbered for far too long.  Just this week, a friend posted this verse from Amos on her facebook wall and to me she said, "Look who's here!"  

 “Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving
And pay your vows to the Most High; Call upon Me in the day of trouble;
I shall rescue you, and you will honor Me.”

Psalm 50:14-15

He fights my battles for me... in fact, they aren't my battles... the battles aren't even my kid's battles.  Instead, when I surrender the battle to Him, I can echo young David's words...

...for the battle is the LORD's

... and I've read the end of the story... the LORD wins!

surrendering my wounds... day 21

Surrendering my wounded heart... this very well might be the most difficult area for me to surrender.  My own mother has reminded me, on more than one occasion, that I have the memory of an elephant.  I don't forget the words... the wound... the one who wounded me.  


I tend to clutch my wounds tightly to my soul, holding on, vowing to never be wounded again.  Somehow, I have come to the conclusion that if I hold on to the wound tightly, I won't ever be hurt that way again.

Only it doesn't work like that.

It was a wounding type of day.  Deep... raw... ugly.  Hours later it's just me and the dog wrapped under a blanket.  The house is dark and cold... the windows streaked with rain.  My heart streaked with unshed tears.  Will I let my heart get cold and dark, too?  Will I clutch this wound tightly hoping to protect myself, my kid, my life?  And then I remember...

it doesn't work like that.

Life hurts.  People wound.  Love stings... and there is no such thing as fair.  

Instead, there is grace... undeserved merit or favor.  There is mercy... undeserved forgiveness or compassion.  And, there is forgiveness... undeserved forgetting of an offense.

It's in the surrender of the offense that I see grace... mercy... forgiveness.  It's in the surrender of the pain that I find healing by the Great Physician.  

And, it's in the surrender of the wound that I let it go and love again.

hope and surrender... day 17

Sitting in a large conference room with 3,000 other women worshipping God is an amazing experience.  Lifting hands in song and praise... praying and listening... learning and gleaning from those wiser than I... sitting between my mom and my sister, this is how I spent my weekend at Extraordinary Women.

And, I heard it all through the filter of my desire to learn to live a surrendered life.  

Do you not know? 

   Have you not heard? 

The LORD is the everlasting God, 

   the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary, 

   and his understanding no one can fathom. 

 He gives strength to the weary 

   and increases the power of the weak. 

 Even youths grow tired and weary, 

   and young men stumble and fall; 

 but those who hope in the LORD 

   will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

   they will run and not grow weary, 

   they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Everlasting hope... a key to surrender.  


As Mama T (aka Theresa Wells) said, "Hope is knowing in your knower that some day God will do what He says He will do."  


I am choosing to surrender to the everlasting hope of the Everlasting One.

Absolute Surrender quote... day 14

God does not ask you to give the perfect surrender in your strength, 

or by the power of your will; God is willing to work it in you. 

Do we not read: "It is God that worketh in us, both to will and to do of His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13). ...learn to believe...

Absolute Surrender

Andrew Murray 

when others see your surrender... day 12

If you would ask me how I would define this journey of surrender, I would use just 2 words... deeply personal.  It isn't something that I have spoken of much over the last 9 years.  Honestly, I had felt that it was an experiment in failure.  Why discuss something in which I had failed miserably?

I should have known, though, that those closest to me know me better than I know myself...

I know that Matthew's story is the rawest, deepest part of this journey for you, 

but as I have watched from the sidelines, I think his story was just the beginning 

of you learning how to die to self.  To me it seems, that Matthew

 and your other miscarriages were how God got you to surrender 

your image of motherhood and how it would look for you. 

How he moved you beyond judgement to Grace. But I have also watched

 in amazement how God has used your journey through debt and how you 

have died to materialism and been raised again in the land of contentment.  

I also stand in awe of how you have learned how die to what you thought marriage 

was with Chad's heart issues.   So, not to make light of Matthew's story in your life, 

I think you have much to share on the idea of God's faithful pursuit of your whole heart. 

Those were my sister's words to me this summer after she read a very rough manuscript of the story of our stillborn son.  Honestly, her kind and gracious words shook me to my core... what I could not see in my own deeply personal struggle was that I had experienced victory.  

Yes, this journey of surrender is deeply personal... and, yes, I do strongly dislike having to ask for help.  However, my own vision is tainted with vanity and selfish ambition.  Through her insight, I have learned I need other's to pray for me, encourage me and to see the victories for me.

I need others to see me surrender because I often can't see it myself.  

surrender and rest... day 9

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest.  

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

 for I am gentle and humble in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls."

~Jesus Christ

weekends are for... surrender... day 8

Weekends are for stopping the rat race and, instead, embracing a slower pace.

Weekends are for Friday night football... home team winning on a touchdown run with .01 seconds left in the game.


Weekends are for movies and dates... and the movie "Courageous" with my date.


Weekends are for pumpkin patches and the choosing of the perfect jack-o-lantern.


Weekends are for staying up late and sleeping in later.


Weekends are for setting aside the "to-do" list and capturing moments that lead to memories.

...weekends are for surrender.

surrendering the Mama Bear in me... day 6

The last volleyball game of the season and I sat in the bleachers with the other parents and fans... simultaneously talking, cheering and watching.  Watching my heart sitting on the bench across the gym floor.  Watching players rotating in and out of a volleyball match while one sat and waited... until all had rotated in but her.  Watching but saying nothing.


A nudge and a tap on my shoulder from a kindred spirit...  

"She's played them all but Emme.  How are you doing?"

"I'm okay.  Since she's not reacting, I'm trying not to."

"It's hard to keep the Mama Bear in check, though, isn't it?"

"Yep!"

and then I glanced across that shiny floor one more time... and saw my heart break.  A girl alternating between glancing occasionally at her coach with hope on her face and staring at the floor trying to keep her emotions in check.


Our team lost the first match and won the second.  There would be one more match.


God has a way of redeeming situations around me when I surrender to Him.  When I told Him I wanted to live a surrendered life, I guess I didn't think of all the nooks and crannies of my world that He would want also.  I'm learning that He wants it all.


In the midst of the third match, Emme rotated in to serve.  A hesitant smile and bam!  The ball sailed beautifully over the net.  However, on the volley we turned it over.  Emme rotated out at the next serve.  One last chance to play... one happy, happy girl.  One smiling Mama Bear.


Another nudge and pat from behind me.  A reminder from my kindred friend that God sees and God knows and it is all good.


12-14... we are down... game point served for the opponents and we score!  

"Heidi!  LOOK!!"

My eyes caught a girl running into the game with a grin from ear to ear.  One more chance to play and a beautiful serve.  As the ball volleyed back, I saw a girl dig like she's never dug before and on her bump back, our team scored.  

How can a heart that was moments before breaking now be soaring? 

How can a downcast face that struggled to not cave to emotions be beaming?

How can that same girl that sat the bench through the first two matches serve the game point and win the game?

This is the lesson I'm learning... in surrender there is redemption...  

and just as surrender is an on-going thing, so is redemption.

**photo credit goes to my facebook and real life friend, Ernesto Flores... I respectfully borrowed this pic from his facebook wall.  Thanks Ernesto!!

surrender...day 5

this moment is all that you ask of me,

i can either give it to you,

or turn it into a fist and

try to keep it to myself.

and fail.

A Heart Exposed by Steven James

the start of surrender...day 4

"If God gave me the choice of 

still being pregnant with Matthew 

and delivering him safe and healthy or 

leaving Matthew safe in His arms

and keeping all that I've learned about

my Savior,

I'd choose to leave Matthew with Him

and be grateful for all He has taught me."

Those really are the words I spoke to a friend just a few weeks after burying our stillborn son, Matthew... over 9 years ago.   

Although I didn't know it, surrendering my stillborn son was the beginning of a journey.  A journey of learning to surrender all into His care... to turn all my ups and downs, all my hurts and pains, all my gifts and talents, all of my future and all of my past over to the One who knows me best.

It's not been an easy journey, nor has it always been joyful.  The journey is not finished, nor will it be until I see Him face to face.  However, it has been a wonderful journey of learning to let go and let Him work in me.  

surrendering to the seat warmer...day 3

Some days surrender begins earlier in the day than others.  

Sometimes surrender means giving up what I want for the good of someone else.

And, occasionally I get it right.

The flu bug hit fast and hard yesterday.  By the time we were half way finished with our church service I was melting.  Fever, achy joints, sore throat, headache... all classic flu symptoms.  My personal nurse (I highly recommend that everyone have a personal nurse) volunteered to drive me home before church was finished and I took him up on that offer.  I spent the rest of Sunday alternating between sleeping and being wrapped up in a blanket watching NFL.  Aside from the pain and malaise, it's not a bad way to spend a Sunday.  I wrongly assumed that one day down and I'd be up and at them today.


Needless to say, today was not a good day to oversleep and miss the bus.  Especially considering that I had to share my personal nurse with the hospital today.  His last words to me before he left for work, "Goodbye.  I love you.  And, Eric just got up."  


Ugh!


Some days the opportunity to surrender begins earlier in the day than others. Today my first opportunity to surrender came at 6:54 a.m.  Maybe it was because my throat hurt too badly to do any loud complaining or perhaps because I was still semi-comatose, either way I quietly surrendered to Eric's need and got dressed.  We were out the door in 10 minutes, me with a warmed up cup of coffee and my seat warmer on; and Eric with a bad start to his Monday.


It's been said that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond.  I wish I could have articulated this to Eric this morning.  I know his response... it's my typical response.  Rather than surrender to One who knows the plans He has for me, I tend to fight back.  I guess after 42 years, I'm learning that it is in my attitude toward life that I struggle with surrender the most.  


To quote Rich Mullins...

Surrender don't come natural to me

I'd rather fight You for something

I don't really want

Than to take what You give that I need

And I've beat my head against so many walls

Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

So, this morning, I found myself giving up what I wanted for the good of someone else and with my lukewarm cup of coffee and my seat warmer on, I prayed for the boy to learn surrender easier than his mother has.

starting by surrendering...

It's a linky party hosted by some of the incredible women at incourage.me.  Thirty-one days in October... thirty-one days to write what is on my heart.  


Last week, Emily introduced this year's 31 Days.  She invited all to join in and write about one subject for 31 days.  I jumped in on the comment form and told Emily I would love to participate and love to write about surrender... and how hard it is.


Then the enemy came.  I'm struggling, deep down struggling. I spent hours trying to make a blog button... and failed.  I worked on piecing together thoughts throughout the week and finally came up with an outline.  However, I feel as if it is all for naught.  I reread and realize that my thoughts are scrambled and mixed up... to the point these same thoughts don't even make sense to me.


Last night, I gave up.  I decided I wasn't going to do this.  I am bone weary and I opted to lay down rather than fight.

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, 

   for his compassions never fail. 

They are new every morning; 

   great is your faithfulness. 

 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; 

   therefore I will wait for him.”

Jeremiah 3:22-24

And, then this morning came and a new lesson on surrender.  I opened Blogger and started reading.  Some of my favorite Bloggers are joining in, sharing life lessons they are learning... including my sister.  I am moved by their words on changing the world, rebuilding, spiritual formation and listening.  


I'm joining in.  Not for anyone else but for me.  I have much to learn from these women and I have much to learn from Him.  


I am starting by surrendering.

the art of surrender...

I have heard it said... "all of life is art."  

In my case, messy art. 

Sometimes my life resembles a Piccaso... helter skelter, messy, upside down and inside out.  Honestly, I'm sure the only One who sees it as art is the One creating it.  

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 

which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10

My life is messy... not by the design of the Creator but by my own interference.  I try to take over... try to fix things... try to create art.  

You turn things upside down, 

   as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! 

Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, 

   “You did not make me”? 

Can the pot say to the potter, 

   “You know nothing”?

Isaiah 29:16

Know what?  I'm not the artist.  He is.  He is the Master... I am the clay.  When I surrender... when I remember my role, my life is beautiful... a testament to the Creator of the Universe.  

When I forget or refuse to surrender, well, I'm back to looking like Piccaso was around.

Perhaps it should be said... "surrender is art and a surrendered life is a masterpiece giving all fame to the One creating it."

Surrender? DEATH FIRST!

"For the last time, surrender!"

"DEATH FIRST!"

(The Princess Bride)

I've been thinking much lately about the concept of surrendering.  Specifically, surrendering my life to the One who created it and living a life where I willingly lay down my will and surrender to His.

Years ago, a kindred spirit asked me pointedly, "are you surrendered on that?"  

That question is now a signature question between us.  She keeps me grounded.  She points me to Christ.  She keeps me accountable.  I love that and I love her.

As I've spent the greater part of today contemplating surrender and leading a surrendered life, the above quote keeps coming to mind.  

I hate dying to self but death comes before surrender.  I can't life a surrendered life until I lay down my selfish ambition and desires and embrace what He has for me.  If I don't die to self, there is no room for anything else.    

Surrender?  DEATH FIRST!