on sharing a burden...

My sister and I have commented much lately on the liberties people take when talking about one another.  Seems to me, that when we were kids {you know... a 100 years ago... or at least in the 70s} people were more apt to mind their own business {or beeswax as we said in elementary school}.  There were certain subjects such as politics and religion that were considered off limits to gossip.   It was okay to disagree on those subjects without slandering each other.


What has happened in the past 30-40 years?  Especially in churches?  We act as if the world is entitled to our opinion.   More than that... we are quick to give our own opinion as the only opinion that is the right opinion.  We have become slanders, gossips and backbiters.  We say incredibly hurtful things as if we have an innate right to do so.   The worst part... it seems to be Christians who do this to one another.


This week, I read a news article and my heart was saddened.  Nine and half years ago, my husband, my son, my daughter, my parents and I buried our stillborn son.  I lost him at 16 weeks.  I was in my second trimester.  I found out when I went for a routine office appointment.  I laid on a gurney while the ultrasound showed our very still son whose heart no longer beat deep within me.  We named him Matthew Eli.  We buried him... complete with a memorial stone.  We grieved long and hard.   My heart has been saddened for the Duggar family.  I know that kind of pain.


My heart has also been saddened at the comments that I have heard Christians say concerning the Duggars and the recent miscarriage that Michelle has experienced.  I cannot believe the hurtful and ugly things that have been said.  Mostly, I cannot believe that other people have made this sad time in the Duggar family their own business.  I cannot believe that suffering through a miscarriage is not off limits to gossip.


Today I read Megan at Millions of Miles and my heart smiled.  If you have a moment, please read.  Her words articulate what I am trying to say.  She says it beautifully. 


More than anything, please pray for the Duggar family.

its time...

written in the back of my Bible...

6/2/02  I must tell how good He has been to us!

I will give You thanks in the great congregation;

I will praise You among a mighty throng

Psalm 35:18

Even  then, June 2002, I knew that I was given the experience of our stillborn son, Matthew, to tell of God's goodness.  

Now, nine years later, I know it is time to tell the story.

I have a story to tell of God's faithfulness in heartache and His faithfulness in hope.  A story of hope and healing through miscarriage and stillbirth.  I am writing the story.  I am telling the story.  I lived the story.

I am praying for opportunities to speak to MOPS groups, women's fellowship circles, crisis pregnancy centers, and grief recovery groups.  If you know of a group that would like to hear this story, please let me know.

O Lord, open my lips,

That my mouth may declare Your praise.

Psalm 51:15

the other side of today...

It's been nine years today.  Nine years of celebrating the loving, laughing, living life of Emily.  Nine years of gratitude for who she is and Whose she is.  Nine years of remembering back to the day of her 3rd birthday.


Nine years ago, today, celebrating at Chuck E. Cheese's.  She played.  I prayed.  I knew something wasn't right.  I rubbed my belly hoping for a nudge in response.  While I smiled and watched, she and her very "bestest friend", Taylor, hopped and skipped from one thing to the next. I prayed with few words... just, "please God."


The morning started out bright and beautiful.  I woke to feel his little nudges where he was being knit together in the quiet and dark.  Seen only by his Creator and yet loved by me.  My heart was sure the little bumps meant he was saying "Hi Mom!"


A day that started out bright and beautiful ended with heartache and sorrow.  My little unseen man's heart had stopped.  No warning.  No explanation.  Only empty words... "I'm sorry but your baby's heart has stopped beating.  There is nothing we can do."


On that day nine years ago today, my Matthew met Jesus.  My Matthew that I had carried deep within me left this earth before he took his first breath.  No hurts, no pain, no tears... no sin, no shame, no sorrow.  


The other side of today is what this Mommy's heart ponders... how one heart can celebrate and mourn at the same time... on the same day.

a hard question...

So, how many children do you have?

ah.. um... well, 3, I guess....

Seriously?!  What mother can not answer a simple question... how many children do you have?  One would think any mother would know how many mouths she feeds... noses she wipes... bodies she bathes.  A simple answer for a simple question... right?   A simple question, but, not necessarily a simple answer.

If I answered truthfully, I would say I have 7 children... but, sometimes, the truth is harder than a lie.  If I answer truthfully and someone starts counting, they would only see 3 E's... Eric, Emily and Ellen.  Then the harder question comes... where are your other children?

Do I want to explain?  Is it worth it?  What will be their reaction be?  Will I make them uncomfortable?  Do I even go there?  Is it worth sharing my heart to a stranger?... not usually... and so the hard question now has a standard answer...

I have 3 kids!

... not the total truth but not a total lie either.  I do have 3 kids.  I also have 4 more in heaven... for a total of 7 lives that have changed my heart... seven times of hoping and dreaming... seven sets of footprints embedded in my soul.  Four lives I've yet to see and three that I watch daily.  

I think I need a new answer to this question that is really not so hard... 

7 lives for which I am extremely grateful!

** I love to stalk my sister's blog and today I'm joining her as she links in with Jen... join in!

I'm also counting this toward my gratitude challenge with Brenda today!

mercy...

...because of the tender mercy of our God...

Luke 1:78

Because my God is a God of tender mercy and His Word promises that His mercies are new every morning, this child is named Mercy...Ellen Mercy.  His gift to us of tender mercy and faithfulness.

My sister and I have often remarked at how God can take one thing and use it differently in different lives to His glory.  In our family, pregnancy seems to be that "thing".  Four women...four different stories of God's faithfulness and mercy through pregnancy...

...for one sister... mother of five says it all.  Pregnancy hasn't been an issue... well.. actually it has.  She's mother to five on earth and one in Heaven.  She and her husband have had to reconcile some unexpected pregnancies and the torn emotions that go with them.  Five children... five hearts... five souls held dear by their parents all have been used by God in their hearts and lives.

...for my other sister...mother of one was her long time description.  Years of waiting and losing one baby have been hard.  Thankfully, there are gifts of tender mercy there as well... for number two has lived with them on and off for the last 18 months as a foster child and number three is due soon... eight years after the birth of number one.  God has used years of waiting... hoping... longing to bring about His perfect work in my sister's heart and life.

...for my dear sister in law... mother of none was how some saw her for ten years.  Graciously and without complaint, my sister chose to live her life with my brother as a couple rather than as parents.  God used them mightily during that time and I think He was able to use them so well because of her obedience and surrender to His will.  Days after their eleventh wedding anniversary... God blessed them with the birth of their son... a gift of His tender mercy and great faithfulness.

...for me...mother of three is how most people know me.  However, in my heart, I am a mother to seven.  Seven?!?  Isn't that CRAZY!  In fact, the neurologist looked at Ellen's health history last week and said, "She was your SEVENTH pregnancy? How many children do you have?!?"  I have three here with me and four waiting for me... how COOL is that?!?  God has used each of my children to chip away sharp edges on my heart... to smooth rough patches of my soul... to mold me... to shape me more in the image of His Son, Jesus Christ.  

On the morning of September 14, 2003, God granted us a tender, new mercy... Ellen Mercy. 

...thus named so we will always remember.

Matthew's Story

For some time, I've been thinking of posting the story of our still-born son, Matthew, on this blog. I've watched a friend struggle this year with repeat miscarriages. Her pain tears at my heart. Though time is the greatest healer, the hurt is still there. I still miss my babies who I never met face to face.

It took years after my last miscarriage and the later birth of Ellen for me to completely let go of Matthew and the other babies I had lost. I clung to them in my heart and punished myself (sometimes multiple times in a day) for sins that I had committed. My only explanation of losing four unborn babies was that I had committed grievous crimes against my Savior and He had to take them as a punishment to me...essentially as a precious sacrifice for my sins.

The Truth, though, is that Jesus died for every one of my sins on the Cross. He didn't leave one or two "grievous crimes" that I would later have to pay for myself. By clinging to Matthew's memory, in order to "punish" myself, I put myself in the place of God. Essentially I was telling Him that His sacrifice wasn't enough and I needed to offer my own, more precious sacrifice. Trying to be God is a very dangerous place to be! Instead of redeeming myself, I only alienated myself. Instead of peace and freedom, I had heart ache and sorrow. I didn't find complete healing until I let go of trying to punish myself and accept God's forgiveness for ALL of my sins.

Though I still miss Matthew and the others, I no longer feel heart ache and sorrow. The pain now is one of "homesickness". There are days that I can hardly wait to see my children face to face in heaven. As my kids remind me, "Mom, you must have a HUGE mansion in heaven to hold all of us!" I pray this freedom for my friend who is struggling. I hope she isn't punishing herself the way I did for years. I hope she can find peace and freedom in God's love and forgiveness for her.

Every woman's miscarriage experience is differently. I don't post this story as the answer to anyone's struggle. Rather, it is simply my story and I hope it provides hope for someone who is hurting.

Matthew's Story