when you know you are loved...

I often forget.  I get caught up... caught up in the the things of this world that don't matter and I forget those that do.  I get wrapped up in the worries of life... trying desperately to please people and I forget those who are already pleased.  I find myself struggling... attempting to make sense of the pain and disappointment of this journey and forgetting the joy that sits before me.

Sometimes I need to be reminded.  I need the reminder that I am loved... I am cherished... I am adored... by four.  And, if there were only four, that would be enough.  However, I am blessed much more than that.

I'm learning... learning to take the gifts set before me.  To take a day of rest... to park the taxi in the garage and take up a book instead.  I'm learning to set my book aside... to pick up The Boxcar Children instead.  I'm learning to rest... to take myself to bed early, if need be, so that I can be a better wife, mother, and friend.


I'm learning... anew... that I am loved by those who matter most.

~*~

joining in with the gratitude community again this week... counting the gifts that grace my days with a heart of gratitude...


for these things and many more, I am grateful...


... for Sabbath rest
... for a garage
... for finding incredible books to read at my favorite library


... for a new mug
... and Guatemalan coffee in it
.... with creme brulee creamer


... for the not so little one who still wants me to read Boxcar Children books to her
... for back rubs from smallish hands
... for giggles


... for sibling love
... for the calm of her daddy
... for protection
... for his hand and wisdom to put her back together again


... for a day as a family
... for the joy of being together
... knowing my family wants to be with me


... for the peace of knowing a mother is celebrating in heaven
... for prayer for her family
... for a celebration of her life yesterday


... for a God who always sees
... and always knows
... and never fails to love completely

what gifts has He bestowed on you this week?

join us in counting 1000 gifts and beyond!

craving bread...

I've been craving bread lately...

Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. 

Whoever comes to me will never go hungry"

John 6:35 (NIV)

 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; 

yet not my will, but yours be done.”

Luke 22:42 (NIV)

But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed

Isaiah 53:5 (NKJV)

Jesus said to them, 

“Very truly I tell you, it is not Moses who has given you 

the bread from heaven, 

but it is my Father who gives you the true bread

 from heaven. 

For the bread of God is the bread that comes down from heaven 

and gives life to the world.”

John 6:32-33 (NIV)

 The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, 

took bread, and when he had given thanks, 

he broke it and said,“This is my body, which is for you; 

do this in remembrance of me."

1 Corinthians 11:23-24 (NIV)

Taste and see that the Lord is good;
    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.

Psalm 34:8 (NIV)

The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever;
The judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.
 More to be desired are they than gold,
Yea, than much fine gold;
Sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb

Psalm 19:9-10 (NKJV)

Is there any greater thanks

than to thank Him for what He has done?

Is there any greater way

to counteract the disappointments of life

than to give thanks?

eucharist = eucharisteo 

giving thanks again today

even when it's hard to make sense of life

Sweeter than Honeycomb Unleavened Bread Recipe:

3/4 c. scaled milk

1 egg

1/4 c. honey

1/4 c. butter, melted

2 1/2 c. flour

mix together milk, egg, honey, and butter.  Stir in flour until well mixed.  Knead on floured board or counter until smooth.  Cut in half.  Roll each half out and cut into desired shapes/pieces.  Bake on ungreased cookie sheet for 8-10 min at 375 or until lightly browned.

when life disappoints...

What do you do when life serves you a great big dose of disappointment?  When you realize that these trips around the sun... they're really meaningless, and you can't find hope or joy or peace.  What do you do when you feel as if you are barely hanging on and you can hardly find the gifts in the day?

hold on

Hold on to truth and let go of the lies you've believed for so long go.  

Somewhere in these 43 trips around the sun, I've bought the lie that health, wealth, and happiness equal God's blessing.  Which means I've also believed the flip-side... that when you don't have health, wealth, or happiness you are not blessed.  Lies from my enemy.  Lies that I have believed for so long.

I didn't think I believed those lies.  I thought I knew.  I was sure that my heart knew all the right answers... I guess I just didn't have the test yet.

Yesterday, I felt my heart ache, my stomach churn, my mind buzz... and my eyes leak.  I stood around the campfire yesterday as my man held me and let me question the meaning of life and the goodness of God in the land of the living.  He said little and listened much.

And, in the end, I came around... around to the fact that when life dishes me a great big dose of disappointment, I counter it by counting.  Some days it's easy to count, to see the gifts all around... yesterday, I struggled to count but in the struggle to find even ten things for which I was thankful, I felt my heart realign with His and I recognized the lies for what they were.   

and, I held on

~*~

Feeling gloomy on a gloomy Monday morning but still joining with the gratitude community at Ann's... where we all come together to count the gifts of grace from the Giver of grace.

Today I am grateful for...

... the fact that I was blessed to know Peggy

... and how she encouraged those around her

... for how she came alongside this newbie homeschooler and walked with me

... for the fact that she is with Jesus today

... for the arms that wrapped around me yesterday

... for the comfort of silence grown over 18 years

... for seasoned love

... for my 3 Es who convinced me to have friends over for a cookout last night

... for renewed friendships

... for wisdom shared in the firelight

... for the blessings that do indeed abound

... for the fact that we have food in abundance

... even Guatemalan coffee!

... for the fact that simple personal accounting mistakes that result in "insufficient funds" are easily fixed and not the end of the world

... for an incredible day of worship yesterday

... for tears that flowed freely at church

... for a God that came and met the rag-tag group that meets in a gymnasium and sits on simple folding chairs

... for watching my girl take leadership in worship yesterday

... for the answered prayer that my children would love Jesus

... and the answered prayer that we would find a church that is their home too

... for knowing we all have a place in our church family

... for a God who blesses more than I can count

... and lets me ask the hard questions

... and comforts me in the asking

... and then reveals the answers

team of two on GratiTuesday...

A week ago, we celebrated our eighteenth wedding anniversary... nothing fancy, just lunch out at an authentic taco stand.  The fact that he had returned to home the night before from eight days in Guatemala was enough for me.

I missed him while he was gone.... I missed him much!  Isn't it amazing what we don't realize we have until it's gone?  The void of him gone was much bigger than the hole in my heart that he filled all those years ago.  

Know what I missed the most, though?  I missed my teammate.  For these years, we've been a team.  Sometimes we've been amazing together... like the Chicago Bulls of the 1990s... we've been unstoppable.  During those times, women have commented to me, "I wish I had a marriage like yours."  It was good.

We've also been a team much like last year's Indianapolis Colts.  Times where one (or both) of us has abdicated our role and stepped out of the game.  It becomes quite obvious that you can't play without all the players.  Though no one said this, I wonder if people often thought, "why do they bother to stay married?"  It wasn't so good.

Years ago, my brother and sister in law wrote a marriage curriculum called "Team of Two."  At the time, they were a team of two, a family of two.  I ignorantly thought that that title had nothing to do with me because we were a team of four, almost five.  I missed the point... I think I even missed the entire target.  Their team of two was their marriage, not their family.  The two of them, regardless of how many children come later, were a team and they played the game of life together, both fulfilling their God-given roles.  Together their team was a force to reckon.

On this GratiTuesday, I'm respectfully borrowing Steve and Susy's title...  I am so grateful for my team of two!  Life is not easy and in these years of driving children to and fro and passing the baton back and forth, I often lose heart.  I'm easily overwhelmed with the details of when... where... and for how long.  Yesterday was one of those days.  A day where Chad was on call for surgery (this really means, don't count on him but he may be around...).  I've considered typing out the driving schedule I had yesterday for posterity but it really doesn't matter... it was simply a very busy day, and I thought I was the sole driver.  I forgot, for a moment, that we are a team of two.  The reminder came when the text came...

I'm off.  I will come get Eric and take him to work.

I was reminded, again, that I'm not in this parenting game alone.  I'm not in this marriage game alone.  I'm not even in the game of life alone.  I am in those things as a team member and thus, it doesn't fall on me to make sure the game happens.  Instead, we do it together, and I am grateful!

gratitude from Pinterest...

This was floating around on facebook this weekend.  I think it originated on Pinterest but I don't know where... I don't know who gets the credit for this, I only know that I like it!

gratitude unlocks

the fullness of life

it turns what we have into 

enough and more!

it turns

denial into acceptance

chaos into clarity

problems into gifts

failures into success

the unexpected into perfect timing

and mistakes into important events

gratitude makes

sense of our past... brings peace

for today and creates a vision 

for tomorrow

Two years ago, I started following Ann... I started joining in on Multitude Monday.  I started counting gifts to change the way my heart saw things.  I took Ann's challenge to find 1000 gifts in the everyday and I was overwhelmed.  I thought that there would be NO WAY I would ever be able to count 1000 things for which I was grateful.  Instead, I was thrilled to find 100.  

I was wrong.  So wrong.  As my heart began to change, I discovered more and more gifts.  I've counted to 1000 a couple of times and I continue to count... because my heart needs to continue to change and I need to be more grateful.

~*~

On this rainy Monday morning, I'm sitting in a bowling alley with fifty jr/sr high students.  They're having a blast bowling for a fundraiser.  I watch my girl.  The one that won a year's tuition at this private school.  She's having a blast!  ... and my heart is full of gratitude to the one that provided this year for her.

...so my list continues....

...for gifts that include school

...for new friends

...for a day of fun with old friends

...for the privilege to help the ones who have helped her this year

...for a week with the one I love the most

...for all the stories from their trip to Guatemala

...for no more nights sleeping alone

...for the laughter and fun around me

...for the one who is still homeschooled

...for wisdom gifted as we continue to seek His face with their education

...for his new job

...for the thrill it gives him

...for the privilege to watch him grow up

...for this life that looks nothing like I imagined

...for the fact that it is so much better

...for dreams that are being fulfilled

...for rain

...for refreshment

...for the sound of storms in the middle of the night

...for the rain of His grace on my parched heart

...for His faithfulness in spite of my failures

...for the fact that His love is boundless and endless

when someone believed in me...

My heart is full of gratitude because someone believes in me... 

...and in this pipe dream I have.

Sometimes we go through life chasing shadows and pipe dreams... sometimes we share those dreams with others and other times we chase them alone.  

When a dream is a group effort we spur one another on... encouraging and exhorting, praying and praising... a community dream becomes a community effort, and no one person takes all the credit or all the blame.  

Then, there are the times we go it alone... and the road gets lonely... there's no traffic in sight.  Those are the times it's easiest to give up on the dream... we convince ourselves its time to grow up, give up the dream and return to reality.

What happens though when someone else believes in the dream?  I wonder... how many pipe dreams could have become the new reality if someone else would have met the dreamer where they were and walked a bit of the journey with them?  Would they have encouraged them enough to stay in the chase?  To not give up?  To not give in?

This journey of authorship didn't begin when my fingers typed words on the computer screen, nor did it end when I clicked "publish."  Instead, it's an ongoing journey... one that I feel as if I'm forging as I go... so often in over my head and gurgling as the waves wash over me.  I know it's a God-sized dream and I desperately lack the God-size faith to see it through.

...then He moves.

He brings along someone who says "because I believe in you, I want to invest in you" handing me money to move forward with printed copies of The Secret of Counting Gifts.  Print-on-demand copies available through major retailers... a real-live-hold-in-your-hands-and-turn-the-pages kind of book... with my name on it...

...because someone believed in me.

And... all I can do is say "THANK YOU! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!!" and continue chasing the dream.

~*~

joining in with GratiTuesday again at Heavenly Homemakers... 

18 years of gratitude...

He came home from 8 days of surgeries in Guatemala just in time to celebrate 18 years with me.  There could be no greater anniversary gift than his presence to fill the void of last week.


Eighteen years together... and I look back and think "how many minutes and days that added up to months and years have I wasted in anger, jealousy, envy, strife and discontent? Would it add up to years of un-gratitude for the gift of him?"  Probably.


Eighteen years ago, I woke up at my grandparent's lake house and smiled.  It felt like Christmas morning to my heart.  I couldn't capture all the gifts of that day... I simply did my best to live in the moment.  To this day, April 23, 1994 was the BEST day of my life... all because my best friend covenanted to love me, honor me, cherish me and put up with me for the rest of his life!  


I was young and stupid.  There was much my heart didn't know or understand.  I didn't know there would be days that he wouldn't like me and that there would be times I had to work hard to remember that I loved him.  I didn't know that I would find ways to fling words that cut deeper than a knife at his heart.... or that both of us would invent ways to maim.  I didn't know that marriage is harder than anyone ever mentions... and on that day, everyone let me live in my fairytale world as I said "I do."


I also didn't know that you cannot undo.  Instead, you move on.  Redemption, forgiveness, grace, mercy and gratitude...those are the things that makes a good marriage into a great marriage.  You celebrate the good times and commit them to your heart memory.  Equally, you cling to each other in the bad and choose to forget and remember them no more.


Nine days ago, I sent him to Guatemala with hurtful words still ringing loud in my heart... and in his.  Last night, he came home and I marveled at how his heart could forget and forgive and move on.  I marveled more at the deep bond of companionship that simply picked up where it left off... forgetting and forgiving what lies in the past and moving forward in love and in gratitude.


I'm joining in with the gratitude community at Ann's again... this time counting eighteen ways I am deeply grateful for that gift eighteen years ago... the gift of Chad...


... for the ways he loves me
... for the ways he forgives me
... for the ways he makes me laugh
... for the ways he provides
... for the way he holds my heart


... for the way he takes care of the little things so that I don't have  to
... for his sense of adventure
... for his leadership


... for the ways we have grown together
... for the memories we have made
... for the fact that I can't sleep without him


... for the way he makes up games with our children
... for the way he makes them laugh
... for the way he disciplines with love
... for the ways he understands their hearts


... for his unwavering commitment to me
... for the fact that he loves Jesus more than me
... for his spiritual leadership in this house

grateful for Guatemala...

I miss her... this almost 13 year old of mine... and I miss then one she is with more.  I miss them with my whole heart... this heart of mine that is tied up in knots this week.  


I know that she will return on Sunday full of smiles and stories and joy.  She will tell me about surgeries she watched and patients she helped for pre-op or post-op.  She will tell me of her love of Guatemala and its people... and of her love for all things medicine.  She will return and I will hold on to her for a little while longer.


This picture... its the future of Emme.  There will be a day when she will go... and stay.  I am confident of this... for I know her heart.  I know that her heart was made to serve in this way.  My mother's brain knows this... my mother's heart ties up in a new knot... and I pray.


I pray much this week.  I think I pray for me more than for them.  I pray that somehow I will make it through.  I count the days (5 1/2 more...) as I lie awake at night.  Then I do what my heart is being conditioned to do... I count gifts.  


I give thanks.

I thank Him for Guatemala and for this opportunity.  

I thank Him that Guatemala has stolen her heart and his.  

I thank Him for what she will see and what she will do.  

I thank Him for His work... started last year at this time in an 11 year-old heart.  

I thank Him that she loves what she is doing this week.  

I thank Him for modern technology that I could even get this picture across the miles

and across a continent.

...because the honest answer is I wasn't grateful and I wasn't giving thanks last week.  I sent them off with a heart full of resentment.  I told him so.  I spewed venomous words in my anger.  He took those words with him when I dropped them off.  I brought the resentful heart home with me.

God's been working on the resentment.  He's showing me that gratitude is the cure for a good many things... discontentment, jealousy, pride, anger, self-righteousness... and resentment.  It's a lesson I hate learning, but one I need!

...so I look at this picture of this girl I love and I thank Him for Guatemala.

blown-in blessings

Happy Winds-day!

It's windy... a hold-on-to-your-hat day or a Pooh-hold-on-to-Piglet Winds-day... around these parts.  


Sometimes I feel God's presence much in the same manner than Piglet felt the wind of Winds-day.  I feel as if I am holding on for dear life as He swirls above and below me... rocking my world.  I think I fear the wind less as I experience it.  I'm learning that He has me and He is trustworthy.  He will never let go!


I also think I'm finally learning to look around in the wind to see the blessings blowing in. Just as He never lets go... He never stops blessing!


Joining in with Ann and the gratitude community to count blessings... grace gifts... again this week.


~*~
My gratitude list continues..


... for conversation with the one who rarely opens up
... for long car rides
... for a day visit to Mama and Papa
... for special one on one time with each
... for a dad who takes a son alongside to teach


... for a safe journey to Guatemala
... for modern technology that keeps us in touch
... for another trip for these two that I love deeply
... for the opportunity to use their gifts


... for a chance to be part of something greater yesterday
... for friends who loan things like tablecloths and cake plates
... for other friends who come alongside
... for the privilege of seeing those I've prayed for smile again


... for providence and protection through the storms
... for rain that renews
... for wind that reminds


... for wisdom shared by my sister
... and long phone conversations
... for laughter


... for He who blows through my life
... for His protection
... for His provision
... for His blessings

thoughts from Emmaus....

Then he said to them, "So thick-headed! So slow-hearted! 

Why can't you simply believe all that the prophets said? 

Don't you see that these things had to happen, that the Messiah 

had to suffer and only then enter into his glory?" Then he started at the beginning, with the Books of Moses, and went on through all the Prophets, pointing out everything in the Scriptures that referred to him.

Luke 24:25-27

I've read the account of the followers of Jesus on the road to Emmaus many times.  I thought I knew it... I really did.  Until yesterday.

Yesterday, Resurrection Sunday 2012, I realized that I could have easily been one of those travelers... we think along similar lines... we doubt.

On the very same day that Jesus defied death FOREVER and rose again, 

those followers of Him doubted...

we thought He was the One...

On the very same day that Peter saw the empty tomb, 

those followers of Him doubted...

it's been three days...

On the very same day that Jesus revealed Himself 

and His risen body to Mary in the garden, 

those followers of HIM doubted...

not our Jesus...

So often... I doubt.

On the very same day that a miracle happens,

I doubt...

it's just a coincidence...

On the very same day that I see something empty,

I doubt..

but I've prayed for 3 days.. or 5 days... or forever...

On the very same day that He shows Himself to me...

I doubt...

it couldn't be Him

Yesterday... on the very same day we celebrate a risen King... I doubted and then I heard Him...

So thick-headed

so slow-hearted!

I don't want to be like those followers of Him who walked to Emmaus in doubt and disbelief... I want to be like the women at the tomb who ran and told everyone HE IS RISEN!

Counting gifts again with the gratitude community at Ann's because one of the best ways to announce HE IS RISEN is to shout all the ways He shows Himself to me and to list all the ways He blesses...in gratitude there is no room for doubt.

~*~

... for the privilege to serve a risen King!

... for the freedom to worship 

... for the privilege to honor and celebrate Resurrection Sunday

... for early mornings and remembering the women who ran to the tomb


... for sunrises services
... and church brunches
... for worship
... and laughter with a church family


... for a friend filled week
... and friends who traveled to be with us
... for conversations that pick up where you leave off
... for great cousin time


... for sunrises
... and sunsets
... and friends who for a campfire that ends a great spring break


... for the opportunity to tell my story again
... for the Author who pens a story that brings Him glory


... for modern medicine
... for a long-time doctor who understands
... for another antibiotic


... for a Savior who reaches down in the middle of a church service to speak directly to this  slow-hearted, thick-headed follower.