confident? ... not really...

My senior year in college, my friend, Linda, had a hand-crafted poster on her wall...


           Our greatest strength is our greatest weakness


It has been almost 20 years since I first saw that quote on Linda's wall.  I thought, at the ripe-old age of 22, I knew the meaning behind the quote.  Of course, I thought I knew a lot of things then....


This week, this quote came to mind again.... After a basket-making marathon on Thursday, my basket guru, Anne, commented on how confident I am (obviously, I need to spend more time with Anne...).  She said, "You just exude confidence..."  


Yeah... well... I guess to most people I do...


I told her of Linda's quote and how my greatest strength is my greatest weakness.  


Yes... I act confident because I hate to be seen as weak.


Yes.. I appear like I know what I'm doing because I hate to fail.


Yes... I can pull it off... most of the time.


Yes... I often think I have the ability to do more than I actually can.


...and... yes... I have a God who pulls me out of more messes than I can ever remember and a man who is willing to clean up after me....

my greatest strength is my greatest weakness

and if I act confident... I can pretend that no one knows how deeply insecure I truly am

only HIS voice would matter...

Lord I renounce my desire for human praise, For the approval of my peers, The need for for public recognition. I deliberately put these aside today, Content to hear YOU whisper, WELL Done, my faithful servant. ~Amen~

I totally just stole that quote from my friend, Amy's, facebook wall. I met Amy over 20 years ago... back in the day when the 'Ville was still a college and the idea of a university was only an oft mentioned dream of Dr. Dixon. I think, even then, this was Amy's heart's cry.

Know what? I want it to be my heart's cry too. I'm thinking most of my struggle of insecurity stems from the fact that I look to others for their opinion of me, instead of being content with listening for HIS whisper, HIS voice. Why is it that I fall in this pit over and over and over again?

If my heart truly renounced my desire for human praise, for the approval of my peers and my need for public recognition, I would have no reason to be insecure. If my only desire was to hear HIM whisper "WELL done, my faithful servant" I would so be concentrating on hearing His voice, I would never notice the voices, the looks, the opinions of others. I would be content waiting to hear Him. Only HIS voice, HIS look, HIS opinion would matter.

Please pray for me as I seek to make Amy's heart's cry my own. I want only HIS voice to matter to me.

reflections of the journey...

It always amazes me how fast I have to jump back into life when I return from a vacation. Today has been no exception. This week is shaping up to be packed full of "life"... all of the little things that together make my reality.

So, for a few quiet moments here at home (Chad took the kids to Emme and Ebony's first 4H dog training... personally, I can't wait to see the results... {smile}) I am reflecting on the incredible week we had last week. Vacations are not an every-year-sort-of-thing here at our home; but like all things, some better than others. So, what made this one so spectacular?

~my first thought is how "overdue" Chad and I were for some time away. Honestly, we have only ever left our kids for more than one night once... and that was for 2 nights. To the best of my recollection, we have been gone from our kids about 7 times in 13 years. "Life" always seemed to be happening instead... Chad in school, new baby on the way, baby to take care of, debt to be paid off, etc. Now that they are older, it is much easier to leave them and they loved this opportunity to hang with their cousins!

~one of my great discoveries this week is that Chad and I can still talk, have fun, laugh, explore and discover without our kids. One of the things I've prayed about is that we would still have a marriage after raising and homeschooling our kids. This season of our marriage is all about our children. However, I don't ever want to lose sight of the fact that this is only a season. I want a marriage that will still be here after our kids develop their wings and fly off. I pray that I never look at my husband and see him as a stranger because I spent too much time involved in my children's young lives and not enough time involved in his life. So thankful that God reminded me of my prayers this week when He showed me that I am blessed beyond measure to have this man and this marriage!

~this was our second vacation that we paid cash for as we went along. The freedom, for me, in knowing that we had the money to go and the cash to pay for things is amazing. I have found that I truly enjoy myself much more when I don't have the nagging thought of "ohhh... I sure don't want to see the credit card bill when we get home." Please don't misunderstand me. There are many, many responsible people who can handle credit cards without wigging out. I am not one of those amazing people. I stress and worry or ignore the issue really well and so the only way for me to truly rest and relax and enjoy a vacation is if I save up the money and pay as I go.

~I spent a lot of our driving time in quiet reflection. I'm still struggling with a lot of insecurities. Insecurity rears its ugly head with me at the most inopportune times. I thought I had slain the dragon this winter as I worked through Beth Moore's book "So Long Insecurity" but last weekend was a reminder that I have a long way to go. I'm still reflecting and working through this but suffice it to say, the dragon is still alive and well. I hope someday to slay that dragon and cut off its head... until then... well, I've got a lot of work to do.

~if I ever win the lottery or become rich and famous, the first thing I will do is buy a HUGE piece of property in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I love the simplicity of life there. I love that people work hard and seem to have an honest respect for each other. I love the beauty of the woods, streams, lakes and Great Lakes. I love that I can't get cell service without roaming up there. I love that I can escape reality for a little while each time I go... and I plan to go often!

Reflecting is good for my soul today. Reflections of the journey that Chad and I just had tie together the reality of my life here at home with the joy of the short-term escape. Reflections make the transition of jumping back into "life" more bearable.

So Long, Insecurity..part 6

I'm a bit of a control freak (before my dad starts laughing, the whole world should know that this is a genetic trait!). I'm realizing that some of my insecurity comes from the realization that there is a Power greater than me in charge of my life... and I don't know if I want to trust Him. Often, I would rather be "secure" in the fact that I am "in control" of a particular situation. Hmmm... a mortal secure in her control in things rather than finding security in handing those things over to The Immortal. Anyone else see a problem here?

It's amazing...really. I trust God with my eternity. I have zero doubts that I will spend eternity with Him. However, I won't always trust Him with the details of my short life here on earth. A bit pathetic, aren't I?

Here's a recent example (I'm sorry to all who are tired of reading about homeschooling on my blog...homeschooling is my life and so it is the basis of most of my real-life examples).... In years past, I have overwhelmed myself worrying about the incidentals in my children's education... Have I taught them enough? Should they be able to recite the Emancipation Proclamation? Do they know enough? Have I done enough? On and on the questions go through my mind.

A few years ago, I began praying "LORD, if I try to raise my children to love You with their hearts, minds, souls and strength and love their neighbors as themselves, will You do the rest? Will You please fill in the gaps that I leave behind?" I trust that He hears me and will answer me. I don't always think about HOW He may answer.

I feel like this year has been a year of ministry for our family. Often school has been interrupted at various times for various things. We've done a lot with the kids in reaching out to others. However, in doing that, "school" sometimes gets bumped. We've done a lot of learning various things but not a lot of structured school at home. Honestly, I feel like my structure (*read* my control) at home has been like a rug pulled right out from under me. Things are happening, taking my time and my energy, or my kids concentration, that are out of my control. As soon as these things happen, I become insecure in my ability to school my own children. The same questions rise... Am I doing enough? Is this good? Are my kids suffering? Are they going to hate me forever?

This quest of finding security has been discovering layer upon layer of where I am my own worst enemy. This is just another ugly layer. If I were to completely give up control of my homeschool to my God who is the greatest Teacher ever, would my children suffer? NO! In fact, they probably suffer more from my attempt to control than from anything else. Who else is better to teach them than their Creator?

I know I am a control freak. Honestly, it hasn't done me much good over the years to try to control things. I think I need to learn how to let go and let God.... and find security in knowing that He alone is in control!

So Long, Insecurity..part 5

Here's another startling realization in this quest to overcome my insecurities... I am my own worst enemy! God has been uncovering some not-so-lovely thoughts, habits, attitudes and actions of my heart and of my life. I've realized, anew, that I truly am my own worst enemy. It's incredibly humbling and aggravating to face this!

Someday, I think I will calligraphy the slogan "just say no!" on my bedroom wall. Perhaps, I would be better off if it were on every single wall of my home. I have the hardest time saying "no" to people, events, things, etc. It is here that I am my own worst enemy.

I have been fighting a virus for the past couple of weeks. Today, I woke up with an intense sore throat again (it seems to come and go) and told Chad that I would just stay home from church this morning. For about 30 seconds that decision seemed like a great idea... then my brain kicked on. I thought of all the things I "needed" to do at church today...people I "needed" to talk with, children's church that I "needed" to teach today and the carry-in lunch afterward that I "needed" to help with. After a few minutes, I was exhausted just thinking about all that I "needed" to do!

This is where I am my own worst enemy. I take on WAY to much! As I thought of what I thought I needed to do, I really felt the Spirit whisper this to my heart..."do you really think you are irreplaceable? You are not God, I am!" Ouch! I'd like to say a resounding "NO! I don't feel that way!" but I think my thought process was proving otherwise.

My startling realization is that some of my insecurities are from taking on more than God has called me to do. It is so hard for me to remember that two letter word...NO. Years ago, a dear lady once said to me, "Heidi, there are many good things in life to choose from. However, just because they are good doesn't mean they are the best things for you or for your family."

Taking on more than I can handle is one of those not-so-lovely habits that my heart has developed over the years. I've heard various theories of how long it takes to break a habit. I've done this for so long that I know I can not break this habit on my own. I think this one will only be broken if God tattoos "just say no" in calligraphy across my heart. I need to remember, daily, that I only "need" to do what He has called me to do...nothing more, nothing less, nothing else.

In doing only what He has for me to do, I would probably find myself being less and less my own worst enemy and more and more secure in Him.

So Long, Insecurity..part 4

During this journey of mine toward finding absolute security in my Father's love, I am amazed at the different ways He pursues me! I am finding such comfort knowing that He is actively, creatively, lovingly pursing me. When I look, I see Him. When I listen, I hear Him. When I reach out, I touch Him. He is endless in His pursuit of me!

Yesterday, Emily and I celebrated one entire month of an absolutely spotless room. She has amazed me. Not only has her room been picked up but everything continues to be organized, the floor is swept a few times a week and the trash can has been emptied often. I promised her that if she made it to the "one month" mark, I would take her out for lunch. Well, it ended up being out for supper but we had an incredible time. I love it when I take time to realize that each one of my kids is an incredible individual. Emme and I had a blast shopping for a bridal shower and then enjoying smoothies and cheesy baked potatoes at our local coffee shop. While we were enjoying our smoothies, we were able to work through two of her Bright Lights lessons. In a girl's devotional...God pursued me!

The title of her devotional was "How to Develop a Ministry." I smile now, thinking of how creative my God is. Here I was...a captive audience...working through my daughter's assignment while God was working on my heart. He showed me how I had allowed my insecurity to cripple my ministry at church, at home and with others.

Emme's devotional started with a comparison of the Red Sea and the Dead Sea. The Red Sea is a healthy, thriving ecosystem because it has an input and and outlet. The water flows through and sustains life for many species. The Dead Sea, however, has only an input. The water is stagnant. There is no outlet and thus, there is no life in the Dead Sea. The author of the devotional compared Christians to these two bodies of water. There are those who allow God to fill them and then allow Him to pour them out to minister to others. These individuals bear much fruit (John 15) for God and have healthy spiritual lives. Conversely, there are others who are filled by God but have no outlet. These believers are stagnant. Their lives produce little to no fruit as they have no outlet...no ministry.

When I allow myself to give into my insecurities, or to be intimated by those same insecurities, a blockage starts at the outlet of my life. Eventually, if these insecurities go unchecked, a dam can be built in my heart and my life can become as stagnant as the Dead Sea. Instead of bearing much fruit for my God, my spiritual life becomes as lifeless as that sea.

Through Emme's devotional written for young girls, my God pursued me. I am so thankful for His unending creativity...His limitless love...His unrelenting pursuit of me!

So Long, Insecurity..part 3

The journey continues in this quest for security. I have to just crack up at myself! My precious LORD is revealing to me that often my own insecurity is my own fault. Let me explain....

Don't you just love it when something triggers a memory and you can actually hear the voice, in your head, of someone who offered you advice? Today the voices of both my parents are ringing in between my ears. This is what they are saying... "you have to develop thicker skin!" It wasn't until I was an adult (100 or so years ago...) that I realized my family has more euphemisms than most families do. For those of you reading this that don't have a clue as to the meaning of that phrase...my parents were not wishing callouses on me, instead they were telling me to not let so many things bother me, especially things that people say to or about me.

I wish I knew where my desire to want to please everyone around me comes from. I know this is a huge component of my insecurity. I often live my life trying to please those around me. The sad thing is that it is often I want to please people who really don't matter in the larger scope of my life. What I mean by that is this... I don't only want to please Chad, Eric, Emily and Ellen, but I also want to make the grocery store clerk smile or make the lady at church thrilled with something I've done. Why? What does it matter what those people think?

Here's the rub... I pick and choose what I let bother me. A comment that is really offensive to me one day will most likely not bother me the next. Why? I don't know!! It's crazy, really.

Over the past 7 years I have endured a lot of comments about homeschooling my kids. Some of these have been less than nice and yet, they really don't bother me. I've realized, lately, that homeschooling is one area that I am more secure than insecure. I have days where I wonder what on earth I am doing, but mostly, I am confident that God has called me to this. I figure if someone really wants to tell me they think I'm screwing up my kids, they can take it up with God. As I sit here and think about this, I realize that I am so confident that God calls each of us to different things that I am confident that though He has called me to homeschool my kids, He has equally called my sisters to send my nieces and nephews to their local schools. This is the security and confidence that I long for in all areas of my life.

Lately, church has been a big struggle for me. For some reason, several women at our little church have decided to tell me (or tell others...) that they don't agree with something I've done. Writing this out helps me realize how petty this is but the pain in my heart doesn't feel petty. I've had women tell me that they disagree with how Chad and I spend our money. Isn't that crazy! We were actually helping a few families and they didn't think we should be doing that and have actually told me so! I've also had women tell me that they don't agree with me opening my home to offer a Bible study. The issue for them is that this takes me away from the women's Bible study our church offers.

Once again, God is using my writing this blog to work things through in my heart. If you were sitting here with me and told me this was happening in your life, I would laugh and tell you not to worry about them. They are not God, He is. If He calls you to something, obey without concern of other's opinions. I need a dose of my own advice, don't I? I think it is so much more than developing thicker skin, it is finding confidence that He is God, He has called me to obey Him and He will take care of the rest.

See how I crack myself up? By taking the responsibility of what these women think of what I am doing, I am feeding my own insecurity. Weeks ago, I should have surrendered all of these statements and more to Him...laid them at His feet and walked away. He alone is big enough to handle them and I would have lived the last weeks much more secure in His providence in my life.

Ah... I have so far to go....

On a lighter note, I have to share another way that God is working on my insecurities. When I blogged the last post on insecurity, I mentioned my insecurities even writing this blog. Yesterday I found out that I have no idea how many people are reading this and how it has ministered to others while it is ministering to me (I LOVE how God works!). I don't live in a big city but because of life circumstances, I have friends in town that I don't see often. My friend, Julie K, is that. She and I became friends at MOPS probably 10 years ago. While having lunch out with other friends, Julie approached me and complimented me on my blog. I had no idea she had even read any of it. Her encouragement to me showed me that God is willing to use me even with my imperfections. It was a great reminder to not be paralyzed by insecurity. Thanks Julie!!

So Long, Insecurity..part 2

Do you find yourself somewhat insecure about your blog as well? The whole point of my blog was to just release and spend time in His Word and I sometimes find myself wondering what people think! Ah, to be secure in His Love. . .I will be praying this for you! and myself!

I continue my quest to find security. I love this comment posted on my blog by my incredible flesh and blood sister. I love it because I want to shout a resounding YES! YES!! YES!!! to her question, only I don't feel somewhat insecure about my blog...I feel VERY insecure about it. I'll give you a few glimpses....

I started my first blog over a year ago and originally started it as a way to put children's Bible studies that I had written out into cyberspace. As I worked on that endeavor, I would also leave "ramblings"... posts on my blog that were just like this one, my thoughts on life, God, etc. I love to write and it seemed like a fun outlet. However, I started getting worked up... I worried that my ramblings were bogging down my blog. I became concerned that my ramblings weren't spiritual enough. I wondered what people thought of me after reading that I had a bad day. So, I let my insecurities of what people thought of me win and I deleted all of my ramblings on that blog. I gave in to insecurity and now those thoughts are gone. The ironic thing is that some of those ramblings were really good writing and I was proud of them...I gave them up because of my own fears.

I started this blog a few months ago as an outlet for those thoughts and ramblings that I just wanted to write. I know I could write all of this in a journal and it would be safe. No one would see or know it. I could hide behind it. However, it seems God only lets me hide if I'm hiding behind Him. So instead of hiding my thoughts, my concerns, my bad days, I'm posting them for all who want to read them. I find myself doubting most everything I write. I'm concerned that someone will misinterpret what I've written, judge me for my opinion or find fault in my grammar... or all of the above!

God has a way of making me face the things I fear the most instead of removing these fears from my life. He also has a way of drawing me closer to Him through my fears. One of my most compelling fears is people's opinions of me. I have always been one who wants everyone to like me. However, I also have always been one who puts my foot (all the way to my thigh) in my mouth more times a day than I can count. So this dichotomy exists in my life.... I want people to like me and yet I offend people all the time. Rather than remove my mouth (which I have asked Him to do!), God draws me alongside Him and has me face these stupid things that I say. He makes me face my fears and He makes me face the people I fear. I spend a great deal of time saying things like "I am so sorry! Once again, my mouth had an accident...all over you!"

Seriously, I thought this blog would be my outlet where I could run my mouth and not have to know or worry about people's opinions. I figured if I offended someone, I would never know. While this may be true, it's not how I have lived. Instead, I do as my sister questioned. I worry what people think. I write posts and delete them for fear of offending. I use my delete (backspace key on a pc) key more than any other on my keyboard. I let my perception of people's feelings dictate my responses on my blog.

As I said, God has a way of making me face my fears. It seems like every single day someone will comment to me about a blog posting, either here on the blog, on facebook or in real life. Guess what?! Every single comment to date has been positive and uplifting. No one has said "You're such a freak for saying that!" Most comments have been along the lines of "You are not alone. I feel that way too!" It's just like my God to use my fear to reveal my beliefs in my enemy's lies.

In this quest to find security in God and God alone, He is revealing layer upon layer of lies of my enemy that I've bought... hook, line and sinker! I know that I will never reach the root of my insecurities alone. I need Him to lovingly shed Light on my fears and reveal to me the Truth that dispels the lies. This will be a long process, I'm sure. There are almost 41 years of layers to peel. I'm not looking forward to the journey but I can't wait for the destination!!

So Long, Insecurity..part 1

Last week, I mentioned that I'm working my way through Beth Moore's book "So Long, Insecurity." I've actually read the book cover to cover once and now I am going through it more deliberately, slowly and surely. And, I will go through it again and again, until I can find victory in my life. I'm tired of giving in to something that only makes me feel worse.

One of the very roots of my insecurity is that I never want anyone to know I'm insecure. I've faked security for so many years, most people would not recognize insecurity in me. If you were to ask my friends of facebook if I were insecure, I would venture a guess that about 80% or more of them would say "no way!" Actually, now that I think about it, probably only my husband and maybe my parents and siblings would answer "yes-this woman is insecure!". Unfortunately for them, they've seen insecurity played out in my life too many times to count.

I've had two startling realizations since asking God to free me from insecurity and to make me a secure woman in Him (I'm betting that the further I get into this journey, the more "startling realizations" I'm going to have). First of all, I've realized that I need to be willing to be vulnerable. I've hidden my insecurities far too long and all they have done is grow deeper within my heart and spread like wildfire. Since I want to be done with this, I've got to bring them to the Light and let the Great Physician do some serious rooting out of these issues and some healing on my heart. So, here in cyberspace, I'm coming clean. If you are offended, please don't read. If you are embarrassed for me, please don't be. I am doing this for no one but myself and believe me, this is WAY harder for me than it is for you! If it were not for the fact that I truly believe God is asking me to do this, you can bet the farm that I wouldn't be revealing any of this junk in my life.

My second realization is that I put up a great front. This goes with the fact that I've hidden my insecurities relatively well. I think people see me as a strong fortress that is not easily shaken. I'm not sure if it is my physical size (that is it's own root of insecurity to be discussed at a further time) or my demeanor (yet another root to be pulled) but NOTHING could be further from the truth! I have had people say things to me (often I think to ease their own conscience) that are mean, hurtful and rude and think that it slides off of me like water off of a duck's back. I could only wish for that and I hope that someday it will be the truth in my life. For now, though, I internalize and analyze everything everyone says to me trying to fix everyone's problems and make everyone happy. You'd think, after doing this for decades, I'd learn that usually I end up making no one happy and creating more problems than I've fixed.

I want to be secure. I'm am dog tired of giving in to the insecurities that I know come from the lies from the enemy himself! Jesus said "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free". I'm ready to be free! So, for as long as it takes, I will be working through these issues and allowing myself to come to this blog with a naked heart from time to time as God purposefully removes root after root of insecurity in my heart and in my life.