when others see your surrender... day 12

If you would ask me how I would define this journey of surrender, I would use just 2 words... deeply personal.  It isn't something that I have spoken of much over the last 9 years.  Honestly, I had felt that it was an experiment in failure.  Why discuss something in which I had failed miserably?

I should have known, though, that those closest to me know me better than I know myself...

I know that Matthew's story is the rawest, deepest part of this journey for you, 

but as I have watched from the sidelines, I think his story was just the beginning 

of you learning how to die to self.  To me it seems, that Matthew

 and your other miscarriages were how God got you to surrender 

your image of motherhood and how it would look for you. 

How he moved you beyond judgement to Grace. But I have also watched

 in amazement how God has used your journey through debt and how you 

have died to materialism and been raised again in the land of contentment.  

I also stand in awe of how you have learned how die to what you thought marriage 

was with Chad's heart issues.   So, not to make light of Matthew's story in your life, 

I think you have much to share on the idea of God's faithful pursuit of your whole heart. 

Those were my sister's words to me this summer after she read a very rough manuscript of the story of our stillborn son.  Honestly, her kind and gracious words shook me to my core... what I could not see in my own deeply personal struggle was that I had experienced victory.  

Yes, this journey of surrender is deeply personal... and, yes, I do strongly dislike having to ask for help.  However, my own vision is tainted with vanity and selfish ambition.  Through her insight, I have learned I need other's to pray for me, encourage me and to see the victories for me.

I need others to see me surrender because I often can't see it myself.  

surrendering the season... day 11

Life changes. People come and go, and seasons never last.

I borrowed this quote from the facebook wall of my friend, Makayli.  At 16, she is wise beyond her years.  

Throughout a beautiful autumn, I am struggling with the changing of seasons.  Not the change of the calendar seasons... from summer to fall to winter... but, instead, the change of life seasons.

I look at this picture taken just two years ago at the end of summer on the shores of Lake Michigan and I mourn the loss of that season.   Not only was it the end of summer but it was also the end of childhood for my two oldest.  They've now morphed into teenagers... need I say more?

For about 15 months, I have been mourning the loss of that childhood more than I realized.  I missed those kids... especially that carefree boy.  I also found myself missing the little one in the picture.  Somehow she became a big kid when I wasn't looking.  

Just recently, I've realized how much time I wasted mourning for what no longer exists.  Instead of surrendering the season to memories and embracing this new season, I was pining for the days gone by.  Funny thing, though, when I realized the days in my memory don't really look like reality.

Life changes... seasons never last.  Wise words from a teenager.  

surrendering the barbs... day 10

Barbs. You know, those words that people speak that tend to stick. These are not the light-as-a-feather positive comments that people say. Instead, these are the words that seem to be wrapped in velcro. As the words enter your mind, the barbs stick right into your heart. Often, I struggle with the barbs that are stuck in my heart. It's hard for me to forget them.

Yesterday was a gor.ge.ous day! Seriously, our fall colors are vibrant here and yesterday was a clear and warm 80* day. Not only was it a beautiful morning, but our drive to church was pleasant as well (sorry to say it isn't always so...). I walked into church with a light heart.

Within ten minutes of being in our church building, my heart was wearing barbs. Every

church has negative people and our fellowship is no different. Just as I can't change this fact, I also can't change the way some people speak to me. However, I can change the way I respond.

During our music worship time I was really struggling. Thoughts of what had been said to me

filled my mind. I felt hurt and defeated. Gently, I felt the Holy Spirit remind me that I could allow those words to stick by continuing to rehearse that earlier conversation in my mind or I could surrender the barbs... refusing to let them stick.

Surrendering not only released the barbs but moved me out of the briar patch... the rest of the church service was incredible!

surrender and rest... day 9

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest.  

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

 for I am gentle and humble in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls."

~Jesus Christ

weekends are for... surrender... day 8

Weekends are for stopping the rat race and, instead, embracing a slower pace.

Weekends are for Friday night football... home team winning on a touchdown run with .01 seconds left in the game.


Weekends are for movies and dates... and the movie "Courageous" with my date.


Weekends are for pumpkin patches and the choosing of the perfect jack-o-lantern.


Weekends are for staying up late and sleeping in later.


Weekends are for setting aside the "to-do" list and capturing moments that lead to memories.

...weekends are for surrender.

laying it down or waving the white flag... day 7

Is true surrender the act of willingly laying down that which I am giving up?  Is it readily handing over that which I gladly hand to Him?

...or...

Is true surrender the waving of the proverbial white flag... a torn, stained, battered rag while I am barely holding on to the flagpole?  Is it a last-ditch effort of acquiescence? 

In this sinful, war-torn world in which we live, I think it's both.  

Surrender is sometimes me gladly handing over something to the One I trust the most. With joyful heart and willing spirit I give to Him that which He asks.... and, I don't look back.

While that is a true definition in my world "sometimes", the truer definition... or at least the definition that happens most often... is me waving my white flag in defeat.  I don't surrender easily... nor do I give up joyfully and willingly.... and, I often look back.

The most amazing part of this story is not the clarification of the definition of surrender.  Instead, it is that my God accepts both actions from me.  He wants me to hand over my life to Him... willingly, gladly, joyfully.  However, when I come to Him in a crumbled heap of a mess with a war torn and stained white flag, He accepts me then too.

I've spent too much time trying to righteously self-righteously determine a proper definition of the idea of surrender.  I have worried more about the meaning of the idea than of the idea, itself.  I have spent more time defining and less time surrendering.  

The correct answer is ... all of the above... and more.

surrendering the Mama Bear in me... day 6

The last volleyball game of the season and I sat in the bleachers with the other parents and fans... simultaneously talking, cheering and watching.  Watching my heart sitting on the bench across the gym floor.  Watching players rotating in and out of a volleyball match while one sat and waited... until all had rotated in but her.  Watching but saying nothing.


A nudge and a tap on my shoulder from a kindred spirit...  

"She's played them all but Emme.  How are you doing?"

"I'm okay.  Since she's not reacting, I'm trying not to."

"It's hard to keep the Mama Bear in check, though, isn't it?"

"Yep!"

and then I glanced across that shiny floor one more time... and saw my heart break.  A girl alternating between glancing occasionally at her coach with hope on her face and staring at the floor trying to keep her emotions in check.


Our team lost the first match and won the second.  There would be one more match.


God has a way of redeeming situations around me when I surrender to Him.  When I told Him I wanted to live a surrendered life, I guess I didn't think of all the nooks and crannies of my world that He would want also.  I'm learning that He wants it all.


In the midst of the third match, Emme rotated in to serve.  A hesitant smile and bam!  The ball sailed beautifully over the net.  However, on the volley we turned it over.  Emme rotated out at the next serve.  One last chance to play... one happy, happy girl.  One smiling Mama Bear.


Another nudge and pat from behind me.  A reminder from my kindred friend that God sees and God knows and it is all good.


12-14... we are down... game point served for the opponents and we score!  

"Heidi!  LOOK!!"

My eyes caught a girl running into the game with a grin from ear to ear.  One more chance to play and a beautiful serve.  As the ball volleyed back, I saw a girl dig like she's never dug before and on her bump back, our team scored.  

How can a heart that was moments before breaking now be soaring? 

How can a downcast face that struggled to not cave to emotions be beaming?

How can that same girl that sat the bench through the first two matches serve the game point and win the game?

This is the lesson I'm learning... in surrender there is redemption...  

and just as surrender is an on-going thing, so is redemption.

**photo credit goes to my facebook and real life friend, Ernesto Flores... I respectfully borrowed this pic from his facebook wall.  Thanks Ernesto!!

surrender...day 5

this moment is all that you ask of me,

i can either give it to you,

or turn it into a fist and

try to keep it to myself.

and fail.

A Heart Exposed by Steven James

the start of surrender...day 4

"If God gave me the choice of 

still being pregnant with Matthew 

and delivering him safe and healthy or 

leaving Matthew safe in His arms

and keeping all that I've learned about

my Savior,

I'd choose to leave Matthew with Him

and be grateful for all He has taught me."

Those really are the words I spoke to a friend just a few weeks after burying our stillborn son, Matthew... over 9 years ago.   

Although I didn't know it, surrendering my stillborn son was the beginning of a journey.  A journey of learning to surrender all into His care... to turn all my ups and downs, all my hurts and pains, all my gifts and talents, all of my future and all of my past over to the One who knows me best.

It's not been an easy journey, nor has it always been joyful.  The journey is not finished, nor will it be until I see Him face to face.  However, it has been a wonderful journey of learning to let go and let Him work in me.  

surrendering to the seat warmer...day 3

Some days surrender begins earlier in the day than others.  

Sometimes surrender means giving up what I want for the good of someone else.

And, occasionally I get it right.

The flu bug hit fast and hard yesterday.  By the time we were half way finished with our church service I was melting.  Fever, achy joints, sore throat, headache... all classic flu symptoms.  My personal nurse (I highly recommend that everyone have a personal nurse) volunteered to drive me home before church was finished and I took him up on that offer.  I spent the rest of Sunday alternating between sleeping and being wrapped up in a blanket watching NFL.  Aside from the pain and malaise, it's not a bad way to spend a Sunday.  I wrongly assumed that one day down and I'd be up and at them today.


Needless to say, today was not a good day to oversleep and miss the bus.  Especially considering that I had to share my personal nurse with the hospital today.  His last words to me before he left for work, "Goodbye.  I love you.  And, Eric just got up."  


Ugh!


Some days the opportunity to surrender begins earlier in the day than others. Today my first opportunity to surrender came at 6:54 a.m.  Maybe it was because my throat hurt too badly to do any loud complaining or perhaps because I was still semi-comatose, either way I quietly surrendered to Eric's need and got dressed.  We were out the door in 10 minutes, me with a warmed up cup of coffee and my seat warmer on; and Eric with a bad start to his Monday.


It's been said that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond.  I wish I could have articulated this to Eric this morning.  I know his response... it's my typical response.  Rather than surrender to One who knows the plans He has for me, I tend to fight back.  I guess after 42 years, I'm learning that it is in my attitude toward life that I struggle with surrender the most.  


To quote Rich Mullins...

Surrender don't come natural to me

I'd rather fight You for something

I don't really want

Than to take what You give that I need

And I've beat my head against so many walls

Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

So, this morning, I found myself giving up what I wanted for the good of someone else and with my lukewarm cup of coffee and my seat warmer on, I prayed for the boy to learn surrender easier than his mother has.

in the surrender...day 2

In the still... there is quiet

in the empty... there is rest

and in the surrender... there is peace

starting by surrendering...

It's a linky party hosted by some of the incredible women at incourage.me.  Thirty-one days in October... thirty-one days to write what is on my heart.  


Last week, Emily introduced this year's 31 Days.  She invited all to join in and write about one subject for 31 days.  I jumped in on the comment form and told Emily I would love to participate and love to write about surrender... and how hard it is.


Then the enemy came.  I'm struggling, deep down struggling. I spent hours trying to make a blog button... and failed.  I worked on piecing together thoughts throughout the week and finally came up with an outline.  However, I feel as if it is all for naught.  I reread and realize that my thoughts are scrambled and mixed up... to the point these same thoughts don't even make sense to me.


Last night, I gave up.  I decided I wasn't going to do this.  I am bone weary and I opted to lay down rather than fight.

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, 

   for his compassions never fail. 

They are new every morning; 

   great is your faithfulness. 

 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; 

   therefore I will wait for him.”

Jeremiah 3:22-24

And, then this morning came and a new lesson on surrender.  I opened Blogger and started reading.  Some of my favorite Bloggers are joining in, sharing life lessons they are learning... including my sister.  I am moved by their words on changing the world, rebuilding, spiritual formation and listening.  


I'm joining in.  Not for anyone else but for me.  I have much to learn from these women and I have much to learn from Him.  


I am starting by surrendering.

Multitude Monday music...

It's just another Multitude Monday... (yep, singing it to the tune of "Manic Monday"... gotta love 80s music!).


It's another rainy Monday (now, the song is "Rainy Days and Mondays" with Karen Carpenter's voice in my head) on this "September Morn" (ok, ok, I'll stop with Neil Diamond...).


Really, folks, this is what sleep does to me.  I slept most of the weekend (except when the Colts ALMOST pulled it out last night) and now that I'm not so sleep deprived, I feel good (mixing in a little James Brown).


I'm also feeling very grateful... counting my gifts with the gratitude community at Ann's.


Fore these and many other gifts of grace, I am grateful...


... rainy mornings
... seat warmers in my car
... travel mugs 
... cheerful girls on the way to school


... my library!
... seeing my favorite librarian again after her extended vacation...
... a few minutes to talk with a friend at the library
... knowing I can pray for her
... computer time for Ellen


... money to feed my family
... finding things on my list on sale
... learning how to do more with less
... the giggling girl in the front seat
... family games


... watching NFL with my boys
... Fantasy Football with extended family
... Friday, Saturday and Sunday naps
... a warm house
... candle light


... a girl who is proud of her assignment today
... children who are doing well in school
... more family time as fall sports begin to slow down
... school at the table with the 8 year old
... listening to her read to me


... learning more of what WORSHIP means
... peace and joy on a Sunday morning
... learning to embrace this season of my life
... finding ways to make memories
... treasuring my family


... music
... fun songs that cause me to praise Him
... singing in my heart
... listening to the 8 year sing any. thing!
... the gift of joy, fun and silliness!

a lesson on blooming...

God continues to use my kids to teach me much

and my greatest life lessons have come from being a parent

...this week the lesson came from #86

He got in the truck after practice on Wednesday and said

"I'm starting"

woo hoo!!  Yes!  Yeah! 

and then I saw his face...

"at left guard"

oh....

you see... he's a receiver

the roster says so

the depth chart says so

he thinks so

and yet, the higher authorities were starting him

in a defensive position on the offensive line

and he was less than thrilled

look at that incredible block by the left guard!

by game time on Thursday, though,
he was ready to go

he chose to be the best
left guard he could be

and he did

in the end

he played 5 different positions
including receiver

and most of the winning game

27-6

What's the life lesson?

Well, I don't always like my

starting position either

I want to be what I think I am

and when I find myself filling another role

I'm not often thrilled

I watched my son bloom

where he was planted

and I saw his reward...

a boy more than thrilled when he walked

out of the locker room

with that deep thrill and contentment

that comes from doing a great job...

regardless of what the job is.

He who is faithful in a very little thing is

faithful also in much

Luke 16:10

**all photo credit goes to my very talented neighbor, Doug Vogel, who posted these great shots on facebook and graciously is permitting me to blog them.  Thanks Doug!!

when I find myself waiting...

Waiting.  Nope, I don't like it, not even one little bit.  In my own warped sense, I've often attributed waiting to punishment... my brain knows this is not true.  However, my heart often buys that lie... over and over and over again.  After 42 years, you'd think I'd know better by now.


When I find myself waiting, these are often the thoughts of my heart...

why am I waiting?

what did I do wrong?

why won't God show me what's next?

I should be doing SOMETHING!

I used to even wonder if God would just put a postcard in my mailbox telling me what to do next... but after the whole The Shack debacle and the debates that continue to rage, I think I'll stick to asking God to write it in the sky for me.

This week I find myself waiting on Him again.  I'm learning that this is really supposed to be a minute by minute event... a continual attitude of waiting on my Savior to lead and to guide.  Over the years, I've made this an annual or semi-annual pilgrimage... one in which I create a big attitude and make a bigger deal and announce to all who will listen "I'm waiting on the Lord!"  It does sound spiritual, doesn't it?  

Then, whenever He speaks or I think He speaks, I move on... often without Him.  Going on to do His work because He NEEDS me and I CAN do it!  And, I jump in head first and do it...  because I'm just that spiritual.

Life isn't about being spiritual, it's about a day to day, minute by minute relationship with my Creator.  My life is supposed to be all about Him... giving Him the glory, giving Him the fame, letting Him use me when He wants me and waiting on His direction.

This week, while I have found myself waiting, I've also found myself resting.  It's been a beautiful thing.  Instead of fretting and worrying and looking desperately for the next thing to keep me busy, I've enjoyed sleeping, reading, coffee with friends and the quiet peace of waiting.

I think I'll try to learn to do this waiting thing minute by minute.  I'm learning it's not a punishment.  It is, instead, a gift.

when the tank is empty....

When my tank is empty, my brain leaves.  It's just the way it is and I can't explain this phenomena but it's true... every single time.  I knew the tank was empty but yesterday proved it... I managed to wash my phone again and lock my keys in my car... all in the same day.


When my tank is empty, it's time to refuel.  Time to get back to the basics and let everything else wait.   Time to rest, time to read, time to pray, time to count...


On this rainy Monday morning, I'm joining the community at Ann's again to count the gifts raining from Above...


...for the steady rain
...for time with Ellen
...for Laura Ingalls Wilder books to read aloud
...for a home ec day of making laundry soap, bosco sticks, apple pie chai and cleaning windows
...for laughter


...for friends who come to my rescue
...for a free new phone
...for a ride to school for Emme today
...for a school she loves
...for a great volleyball coach


...for friends
...for prayer
...for the privilege to pray for family
...for corporate worship
...for corporate prayer


...for the love of my life
...for surprise flowers
...and a surprise date
...and time together all in one weekend
...for family time and Triple Yahtzee


...for the gifts that rain in abundance
...for the Father who knows me
...and loves me even with my weaknesses
...and quickly forgives 
...and guides even when wonder where the guidance is


care to join us and count your gifts from Above?