Wednesday, October 12, 2011

when others see your surrender... day 12

If you would ask me how I would define this journey of surrender, I would use just 2 words... deeply personal.  It isn't something that I have spoken of much over the last 9 years.  Honestly, I had felt that it was an experiment in failure.  Why discuss something in which I had failed miserably?

I should have known, though, that those closest to me know me better than I know myself...

I know that Matthew's story is the rawest, deepest part of this journey for you, 
but as I have watched from the sidelines, I think his story was just the beginning 
of you learning how to die to self.  To me it seems, that Matthew
 and your other miscarriages were how God got you to surrender 
your image of motherhood and how it would look for you. 
How he moved you beyond judgement to Grace. But I have also watched
 in amazement how God has used your journey through debt and how you 
have died to materialism and been raised again in the land of contentment.  
I also stand in awe of how you have learned how die to what you thought marriage 
was with Chad's heart issues.   So, not to make light of Matthew's story in your life, 
I think you have much to share on the idea of God's faithful pursuit of your whole heart. 

Those were my sister's words to me this summer after she read a very rough manuscript of the story of our stillborn son.  Honestly, her kind and gracious words shook me to my core... what I could not see in my own deeply personal struggle was that I had experienced victory.  

Yes, this journey of surrender is deeply personal... and, yes, I do strongly dislike having to ask for help.  However, my own vision is tainted with vanity and selfish ambition.  Through her insight, I have learned I need other's to pray for me, encourage me and to see the victories for me.

I need others to see me surrender because I often can't see it myself.  

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Thank you for your kind words!