oops...my mouth had an accident...

When I began this blog, I was determined to be real, to be myself and to share my honest struggles in this journey called Faith.... yep, I wanted to be honest, real, raw, etc., etc. Sometimes, though, my mouth (well, in this case... my fingers) get me into trouble. To quote one of our all time favorite books "The Monkey and The Crocodile"... my mouth had an accident!

Here's the problem... sometimes my honest, real, raw words need to be kept in a private journal until it all makes sense, especially when my honest, real, raw, etc., etc is directed to God. My last post (well, the one before Heidi's SodaStream contest) was just me typing out my inner struggle and since He knows my every thought (see Psalm 139:2), I didn't feel a need to be clear or specific about the road (actually "roads") less traveled that I was pondering. The blessing in this is that I have a loving family who cares about me much which lead to a long facebook thread with my dad and an incredible comment by my sister, as well as loving and well-meaning questions from friends.

So, I think what I wrote came across cryptic and depressing. Ooops! This is where I need to keep that stuff between me and my God. I'm not depressed and I really didn't mean to be cryptic. I just wasn't thinking about others reading the post as much as I was trying to sort out all that was going on in my heart and in my mind. I sort my thoughts and feelings best when I communicate them. Chad will tell you that he has the unfortunate opportunity to be the who has to listen to me sort all of the time. Yesterday's post was me sorting "out loud".

I'm hesitant to give a synopsis of the roads less traveled that I've pondered for fear that someone will misunderstand. Please hear me say that I'm not traveling any of these roads... I'm simply considering them before my God because all of them come from His Word. These are things that I've often dismissed as "cultural" or "no longer necessary". My desire is that I am obedient to Him, not a culture. Having said that, here is a little of what I'm pondering...

...my desire to conform to the world's standard of beauty (ie looks, body image, hair, etc) rather than God's standard of beauty (Prov. 31:30, 1 Peter 3:3). I've always enjoyed having short hair, however, should I grow it out in obedience (1 Corinthians 11:14-16)?

...why I am so tied to the things of this world? Jesus spoke of storing up treasures in Heaven, not on earth (Matthew 6:18-20 and in the other Gospels as well). In Acts 2, the first church was known for selling their possessions and giving the money to those in need. My flesh fights my spirit... I want what my culture says are nice things, fancy clothes, a bigger/better home, etc. because I earned them and they are mine, right?!? Wrong... it's all God's and He has simply entrusted it into my care.

...why do I feel like I need to give my kids the things our culture says they need to have to grow up to be "good people"? Do I look to the Bible as the only source of advice/knowledge in rearing my children?

... The holiday of Easter (eggs, chicks, bunnies, etc) has absolutely NO bearing on Jesus. However, celebrating His resurrection has everything to do with Him. So, why do I still do Easter eggs and baskets with my kids? Perhaps, I can exchange gifts with them in celebration of the One who is our First Fruits instead?! (a great explanation of this is at abbafathergod).

The list of pondering thoughts is long. This is just a few my thoughts. I love that God puts these thoughts in my heart and allows me to work out my salvation with Him in the privacy of my heart. A lesson well learned... keep those thoughts and that working of the Holy Spirit in the privacy of my heart, not letting it overflow to make a mess over everyone else. ; )

It's been a long time since I've journaled. I think I need to start another journal of my own. One where my heart can be real, raw and honest and my mouth can have accidents all over the paper....