Saturday, February 27, 2010

So Long, Insecurity..part 6

I'm a bit of a control freak (before my dad starts laughing, the whole world should know that this is a genetic trait!). I'm realizing that some of my insecurity comes from the realization that there is a Power greater than me in charge of my life... and I don't know if I want to trust Him. Often, I would rather be "secure" in the fact that I am "in control" of a particular situation. Hmmm... a mortal secure in her control in things rather than finding security in handing those things over to The Immortal. Anyone else see a problem here?

It's amazing...really. I trust God with my eternity. I have zero doubts that I will spend eternity with Him. However, I won't always trust Him with the details of my short life here on earth. A bit pathetic, aren't I?

Here's a recent example (I'm sorry to all who are tired of reading about homeschooling on my blog...homeschooling is my life and so it is the basis of most of my real-life examples).... In years past, I have overwhelmed myself worrying about the incidentals in my children's education... Have I taught them enough? Should they be able to recite the Emancipation Proclamation? Do they know enough? Have I done enough? On and on the questions go through my mind.

A few years ago, I began praying "LORD, if I try to raise my children to love You with their hearts, minds, souls and strength and love their neighbors as themselves, will You do the rest? Will You please fill in the gaps that I leave behind?" I trust that He hears me and will answer me. I don't always think about HOW He may answer.

I feel like this year has been a year of ministry for our family. Often school has been interrupted at various times for various things. We've done a lot with the kids in reaching out to others. However, in doing that, "school" sometimes gets bumped. We've done a lot of learning various things but not a lot of structured school at home. Honestly, I feel like my structure (*read* my control) at home has been like a rug pulled right out from under me. Things are happening, taking my time and my energy, or my kids concentration, that are out of my control. As soon as these things happen, I become insecure in my ability to school my own children. The same questions rise... Am I doing enough? Is this good? Are my kids suffering? Are they going to hate me forever?

This quest of finding security has been discovering layer upon layer of where I am my own worst enemy. This is just another ugly layer. If I were to completely give up control of my homeschool to my God who is the greatest Teacher ever, would my children suffer? NO! In fact, they probably suffer more from my attempt to control than from anything else. Who else is better to teach them than their Creator?

I know I am a control freak. Honestly, it hasn't done me much good over the years to try to control things. I think I need to learn how to let go and let God.... and find security in knowing that He alone is in control!


  1. That "control freak" thingy must come from your mother.

  2. Letting go and living is what God so desires all of us to do. It's challenging when we look at a situation and think, "what do I need to do to...". I find myself in this trap all the time. Instead of sitting and praying. Asking God what He desires me to do.

  3. I am so the control freak and hate it.

    So glad to have a little blog hopping time....enjoyed your blog tonight.....



Thank you for your kind words!