I continue my quest to find security. I love this comment posted on my blog by my incredible flesh and blood sister. I love it because I want to shout a resounding YES! YES!! YES!!! to her question, only I don't feel somewhat insecure about my blog...I feel VERY insecure about it. I'll give you a few glimpses....
I started my first blog over a year ago and originally started it as a way to put children's Bible studies that I had written out into cyberspace. As I worked on that endeavor, I would also leave "ramblings"... posts on my blog that were just like this one, my thoughts on life, God, etc. I love to write and it seemed like a fun outlet. However, I started getting worked up... I worried that my ramblings were bogging down my blog. I became concerned that my ramblings weren't spiritual enough. I wondered what people thought of me after reading that I had a bad day. So, I let my insecurities of what people thought of me win and I deleted all of my ramblings on that blog. I gave in to insecurity and now those thoughts are gone. The ironic thing is that some of those ramblings were really good writing and I was proud of them...I gave them up because of my own fears.
I started this blog a few months ago as an outlet for those thoughts and ramblings that I just wanted to write. I know I could write all of this in a journal and it would be safe. No one would see or know it. I could hide behind it. However, it seems God only lets me hide if I'm hiding behind Him. So instead of hiding my thoughts, my concerns, my bad days, I'm posting them for all who want to read them. I find myself doubting most everything I write. I'm concerned that someone will misinterpret what I've written, judge me for my opinion or find fault in my grammar... or all of the above!
God has a way of making me face the things I fear the most instead of removing these fears from my life. He also has a way of drawing me closer to Him through my fears. One of my most compelling fears is people's opinions of me. I have always been one who wants everyone to like me. However, I also have always been one who puts my foot (all the way to my thigh) in my mouth more times a day than I can count. So this dichotomy exists in my life.... I want people to like me and yet I offend people all the time. Rather than remove my mouth (which I have asked Him to do!), God draws me alongside Him and has me face these stupid things that I say. He makes me face my fears and He makes me face the people I fear. I spend a great deal of time saying things like "I am so sorry! Once again, my mouth had an accident...all over you!"
Seriously, I thought this blog would be my outlet where I could run my mouth and not have to know or worry about people's opinions. I figured if I offended someone, I would never know. While this may be true, it's not how I have lived. Instead, I do as my sister questioned. I worry what people think. I write posts and delete them for fear of offending. I use my delete (backspace key on a pc) key more than any other on my keyboard. I let my perception of people's feelings dictate my responses on my blog.
As I said, God has a way of making me face my fears. It seems like every single day someone will comment to me about a blog posting, either here on the blog, on facebook or in real life. Guess what?! Every single comment to date has been positive and uplifting. No one has said "You're such a freak for saying that!" Most comments have been along the lines of "You are not alone. I feel that way too!" It's just like my God to use my fear to reveal my beliefs in my enemy's lies.
In this quest to find security in God and God alone, He is revealing layer upon layer of lies of my enemy that I've bought... hook, line and sinker! I know that I will never reach the root of my insecurities alone. I need Him to lovingly shed Light on my fears and reveal to me the Truth that dispels the lies. This will be a long process, I'm sure. There are almost 41 years of layers to peel. I'm not looking forward to the journey but I can't wait for the destination!!