One of the very roots of my insecurity is that I never want anyone to know I'm insecure. I've faked security for so many years, most people would not recognize insecurity in me. If you were to ask my friends of facebook if I were insecure, I would venture a guess that about 80% or more of them would say "no way!" Actually, now that I think about it, probably only my husband and maybe my parents and siblings would answer "yes-this woman is insecure!". Unfortunately for them, they've seen insecurity played out in my life too many times to count.
I've had two startling realizations since asking God to free me from insecurity and to make me a secure woman in Him (I'm betting that the further I get into this journey, the more "startling realizations" I'm going to have). First of all, I've realized that I need to be willing to be vulnerable. I've hidden my insecurities far too long and all they have done is grow deeper within my heart and spread like wildfire. Since I want to be done with this, I've got to bring them to the Light and let the Great Physician do some serious rooting out of these issues and some healing on my heart. So, here in cyberspace, I'm coming clean. If you are offended, please don't read. If you are embarrassed for me, please don't be. I am doing this for no one but myself and believe me, this is WAY harder for me than it is for you! If it were not for the fact that I truly believe God is asking me to do this, you can bet the farm that I wouldn't be revealing any of this junk in my life.
My second realization is that I put up a great front. This goes with the fact that I've hidden my insecurities relatively well. I think people see me as a strong fortress that is not easily shaken. I'm not sure if it is my physical size (that is it's own root of insecurity to be discussed at a further time) or my demeanor (yet another root to be pulled) but NOTHING could be further from the truth! I have had people say things to me (often I think to ease their own conscience) that are mean, hurtful and rude and think that it slides off of me like water off of a duck's back. I could only wish for that and I hope that someday it will be the truth in my life. For now, though, I internalize and analyze everything everyone says to me trying to fix everyone's problems and make everyone happy. You'd think, after doing this for decades, I'd learn that usually I end up making no one happy and creating more problems than I've fixed.
I want to be secure. I'm am dog tired of giving in to the insecurities that I know come from the lies from the enemy himself! Jesus said "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free". I'm ready to be free! So, for as long as it takes, I will be working through these issues and allowing myself to come to this blog with a naked heart from time to time as God purposefully removes root after root of insecurity in my heart and in my life.