Friday, May 20, 2011

the other side of today...

It's been nine years today.  Nine years of celebrating the loving, laughing, living life of Emily.  Nine years of gratitude for who she is and Whose she is.  Nine years of remembering back to the day of her 3rd birthday.

Nine years ago, today, celebrating at Chuck E. Cheese's.  She played.  I prayed.  I knew something wasn't right.  I rubbed my belly hoping for a nudge in response.  While I smiled and watched, she and her very "bestest friend", Taylor, hopped and skipped from one thing to the next. I prayed with few words... just, "please God."

The morning started out bright and beautiful.  I woke to feel his little nudges where he was being knit together in the quiet and dark.  Seen only by his Creator and yet loved by me.  My heart was sure the little bumps meant he was saying "Hi Mom!"

A day that started out bright and beautiful ended with heartache and sorrow.  My little unseen man's heart had stopped.  No warning.  No explanation.  Only empty words... "I'm sorry but your baby's heart has stopped beating.  There is nothing we can do."

On that day nine years ago today, my Matthew met Jesus.  My Matthew that I had carried deep within me left this earth before he took his first breath.  No hurts, no pain, no tears... no sin, no shame, no sorrow.  

The other side of today is what this Mommy's heart ponders... how one heart can celebrate and mourn at the same time... on the same day.

1 comment:

  1. aw heidi . . . praying for you today as you celebrate and mourn and remembering matthew! only you can put words to paper and express your heart so clearly. love you sweet friend!
    blessings, misty


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