Here's the story... today was day 4 of Toy Time. I wish you could experience it. To see a building filled with over 7,000 toys and twice as many children (not really, but when we all bring our kids to "help" it seems like at least 14,000 children!). To hear the dull roar of kids laughing & playing, mom's chatting, feet running and wheels (of roller blades, skates, scooters, and ripstiks) clattering over the concrete floor. Obviously, the volume increases as more and more people come to help. By 5 p.m., the noise reached record level. And, yet, I wish you could experience it. It is the organized chaos (a bit oxymoronic...) that ensues and encompasses Toy Time.
Equally obvious, by day 4 we are all getting tired. I've been battling bronchitis all week and though I am on a potent antibiotic, I still am not even close to feeling 100%. I've worked less this week at Toy Time than I ever had and I am much more tired. Everyone is getting tired! It's par for the course and we are all right on track. I just wish I could handle my weariness with a smile like my friend, Rachelle. I wish I could be a mom like Rachelle...she NEVER yells (how does this work?)!
Unfortunately, I am not Rachelle and unfortunately for my kids, especially the almost 13 year old, they're not Rachelle's kids. So, sick and tired mom hit the wall today. I don't know if it was the high decibel level in the building or if it was because I had just sorted and priced 485 Beanie Babies (seriously!). Whatever the reason, I snapped (in front of God, my friends, my kids and their friends....). You probably heard the yell that ensued. It was loud, it was angry, it was wrong. I over-reacted. Again.... and this time the almost 13 year old was the recipient. The result, an embarrassed kid who wished the floor would have opened and provided a hole in which he could have crawled.
Why do I do this to my kids? I hate it when I do and yet, I do it again, and again, and again. I confess, I repent, and I make wild and crazy promises to myself that I will never do that to my children again. Not much time goes by at all and I find myself repeating the confession, the repentance, the promises....
I know this is the battle of my sinful will verses my redeemed soul. I know that this battle will not be conquered on this side of being in His presence. Can I just say, I can't wait! I can't wait until I'm ushered into His presence and presented with a perfect body! I can't wait until there are no more tears, no more sin, no more reason to yell, scream or cry. I can't wait to be 100% redeemed and rescued from my sinful self!
In the meantime, I will apologize once again and hope for my son's forgiveness. I will throw myself at the mercy of my Savior and asked for Him to make me more like Him and less like me. And, I will cling, again, to the promise "I am confident of this, He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it" Philippians 1:6. And, I will wait.
Oh Heidi!
ReplyDeleteYour words give me hope. You see, *you* are my "Rachelle" -- the ever-present-for-her-kids mom who homeschools, knows the Word backwards-and-frontwards, always has an encouraging word, has well-behaved beautiful kids, enjoys a close-knit family, is the most gracious, generous, humble, articulate, and experienced woman I know... Do you want me to go on?! :)
That you can admit to screaming at your kids makes me admire you even more. I scream at my kids but I know that I'm a homely, insecure, unsure, and inexperienced mom. Yes, I hate that I scream at these precious boys. I hate that I can't be the all-loving parent that they need. But to know that you scream too?! Maybe there's hope for me after all!
Hugs sweet Cousin. And thank you for being so vulnerable.
~S
P.S. Feel better too!