rearranging...

God has every right, 

and my permission, 

to rearrange my life at any time . . . 

in any way . . . 

in order to fulfill HIS plan for its influence, 

to HIS glory!
~ n.a. collins

I think I was either in late high school or early college when I first heard Nell Collins share her heart and these words.  


At the time, I thought this was one of the most poetic prayers I ever heard.  I was young... ready, or so I thought, to take on the world and change it mightily.  I also had a heart that wanted to please Jesus, no matter what.  So, I prayed these words all those years ago.  


It seemed like a simple prayer to pray.  I'm sure I thought God would be so pleased with me if I prayed that He could do whatever He wanted with my life... because, of course, He and I had the same plan, right (I said I was young, but I don't think I said I was young and stupid!)?  I had already pretty much figured out that I knew what God was going to do with my life, so what harm was there in praying that He could rearrange my life how ever He wanted?  


So I prayed and promptly when on MY way....


Over the past 25 years or so, I had forgotten about this prayer... words my heart spoke so long ago... until I saw this on a friend's facebook wall.  At first, it seemed, once again, to just be a beautiful prayer.  I saw it again a while later and a little deja-vu... wait, I've heard this before, but where?


This has been a season of struggle for my heart.  Last night I looked at my man and said "My life looks nothing like the life I envisioned I would live.  I feel like decisions are daily being made by 4 others that directly affect my life and I have no say in them.  I'm realizing that the things that I've dreamed for myself will probably never happen and I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Actually, right now I really don't like it!"


My man called it a mid-life crisis last night, and perhaps he's right.  Perhaps every single mom feels this... the struggle that you've put so much of yourself and so many of your own desires on hold to raise your kids... and one day you realize that you are 41 and many of your personal dreams will go unrealized.


Suffice it to say, God and I have been "discussing" this lately (dontcha just love the mental picture of me thinking I could discuss anything with the Creator of the universe?!)  He had to bring me back to the place I was all those years ago when I first heard this poetic prayer.  He had to remind me that I gave Him permission to rearrange my life for His glory.  


I haven't arrived to the place of being a willing participant and having a willing heart.  I can say I'm working on it.  I'm thinking that perhaps this is what Paul said when he said...

 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—

not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—

continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 

for it is God who works in you to will 

and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

Philippians 2:12-13

After 25 years, I've gotten a lot older but not much smarter... I'm guessing God's rearranging of my life would be A LOT less painful if I were more of a willing participant rather than a strong-willed bystander.