Sunday, January 10, 2010

Matthew's Story

For some time, I've been thinking of posting the story of our still-born son, Matthew, on this blog. I've watched a friend struggle this year with repeat miscarriages. Her pain tears at my heart. Though time is the greatest healer, the hurt is still there. I still miss my babies who I never met face to face.

It took years after my last miscarriage and the later birth of Ellen for me to completely let go of Matthew and the other babies I had lost. I clung to them in my heart and punished myself (sometimes multiple times in a day) for sins that I had committed. My only explanation of losing four unborn babies was that I had committed grievous crimes against my Savior and He had to take them as a punishment to me...essentially as a precious sacrifice for my sins.

The Truth, though, is that Jesus died for every one of my sins on the Cross. He didn't leave one or two "grievous crimes" that I would later have to pay for myself. By clinging to Matthew's memory, in order to "punish" myself, I put myself in the place of God. Essentially I was telling Him that His sacrifice wasn't enough and I needed to offer my own, more precious sacrifice. Trying to be God is a very dangerous place to be! Instead of redeeming myself, I only alienated myself. Instead of peace and freedom, I had heart ache and sorrow. I didn't find complete healing until I let go of trying to punish myself and accept God's forgiveness for ALL of my sins.

Though I still miss Matthew and the others, I no longer feel heart ache and sorrow. The pain now is one of "homesickness". There are days that I can hardly wait to see my children face to face in heaven. As my kids remind me, "Mom, you must have a HUGE mansion in heaven to hold all of us!" I pray this freedom for my friend who is struggling. I hope she isn't punishing herself the way I did for years. I hope she can find peace and freedom in God's love and forgiveness for her.

Every woman's miscarriage experience is differently. I don't post this story as the answer to anyone's struggle. Rather, it is simply my story and I hope it provides hope for someone who is hurting.


4 comments:

  1. I am so glad I was clicking through your blog today...

    We miscarried our son in late September, and although the pain & shock is gone, I still MISS him sometimes.

    My precious daughter will come to me & say out of nowhere sometimes "Momma, I think my baby brother is having a great time in heaven!", & like you stated so wonderfully before, God works in mysterious ways, whether written in a "strangers" blog, or innocently spoken by a child. The reminder is always there that someday we WILL see our children face to face!

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  2. Thanks for stopping by and for commenting. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son! Isn't it incredible that we will see our sons some day in Heaven?! I can't wait!!
    Blessings!
    ~H

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  3. I knew I felt a kinship with you Heidi! I have had 1 tubal pregnancy and 4 miscarriages over the years with 2 in the year before we moved here to Indiana. I can relate to much of what you've described here. I had a big spiritual struggle myself after the first 2, which also happened in 1 year and before I'd had any children. I really got angry with God and couldn't understand how it could be His will. I doubted that He was in control and/or that He was good! After months of shaking my fist at Him I finally let go of my anger and He brought healing and peace that I wouldn't have believed possible. In the subsequent miscarriages, I experienced the loss and pain, but never again the severe anger and doubt. God is faithful and can bring us through incredibly hard circumstances. I feel closer to Him because of the pain He allowed along my way, and I have MUCH to look forward to in heaven. You think my arms are full here, just wait til I'm with all of my kiddos in heaven! Gail

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  4. I am struck by your statement - it is dangerous to try to be God. Right away, I thought, that like me, you weren't a very good God. You were judging and harsh to yourself, where the true God does not condemn those He loves. Thanks for saying that so well, to remind me . . . when I try to be God . . . I will always fail and hurt myself. (as well as others)

    I am sorry for the loss of your children. Our first, is in heaven, as well.

    Fondly,
    Glenda

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Thank you for your kind words!