Sunday, January 10, 2010

Matthew's Story

For some time, I've been thinking of posting the story of our still-born son, Matthew, on this blog. I've watched a friend struggle this year with repeat miscarriages. Her pain tears at my heart. Though time is the greatest healer, the hurt is still there. I still miss my babies who I never met face to face.

It took years after my last miscarriage and the later birth of Ellen for me to completely let go of Matthew and the other babies I had lost. I clung to them in my heart and punished myself (sometimes multiple times in a day) for sins that I had committed. My only explanation of losing four unborn babies was that I had committed grievous crimes against my Savior and He had to take them as a punishment to me...essentially as a precious sacrifice for my sins.

The Truth, though, is that Jesus died for every one of my sins on the Cross. He didn't leave one or two "grievous crimes" that I would later have to pay for myself. By clinging to Matthew's memory, in order to "punish" myself, I put myself in the place of God. Essentially I was telling Him that His sacrifice wasn't enough and I needed to offer my own, more precious sacrifice. Trying to be God is a very dangerous place to be! Instead of redeeming myself, I only alienated myself. Instead of peace and freedom, I had heart ache and sorrow. I didn't find complete healing until I let go of trying to punish myself and accept God's forgiveness for ALL of my sins.

Though I still miss Matthew and the others, I no longer feel heart ache and sorrow. The pain now is one of "homesickness". There are days that I can hardly wait to see my children face to face in heaven. As my kids remind me, "Mom, you must have a HUGE mansion in heaven to hold all of us!" I pray this freedom for my friend who is struggling. I hope she isn't punishing herself the way I did for years. I hope she can find peace and freedom in God's love and forgiveness for her.

Every woman's miscarriage experience is differently. I don't post this story as the answer to anyone's struggle. Rather, it is simply my story and I hope it provides hope for someone who is hurting.


  1. I am so glad I was clicking through your blog today...

    We miscarried our son in late September, and although the pain & shock is gone, I still MISS him sometimes.

    My precious daughter will come to me & say out of nowhere sometimes "Momma, I think my baby brother is having a great time in heaven!", & like you stated so wonderfully before, God works in mysterious ways, whether written in a "strangers" blog, or innocently spoken by a child. The reminder is always there that someday we WILL see our children face to face!

  2. Thanks for stopping by and for commenting. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son! Isn't it incredible that we will see our sons some day in Heaven?! I can't wait!!

  3. I knew I felt a kinship with you Heidi! I have had 1 tubal pregnancy and 4 miscarriages over the years with 2 in the year before we moved here to Indiana. I can relate to much of what you've described here. I had a big spiritual struggle myself after the first 2, which also happened in 1 year and before I'd had any children. I really got angry with God and couldn't understand how it could be His will. I doubted that He was in control and/or that He was good! After months of shaking my fist at Him I finally let go of my anger and He brought healing and peace that I wouldn't have believed possible. In the subsequent miscarriages, I experienced the loss and pain, but never again the severe anger and doubt. God is faithful and can bring us through incredibly hard circumstances. I feel closer to Him because of the pain He allowed along my way, and I have MUCH to look forward to in heaven. You think my arms are full here, just wait til I'm with all of my kiddos in heaven! Gail

  4. I am struck by your statement - it is dangerous to try to be God. Right away, I thought, that like me, you weren't a very good God. You were judging and harsh to yourself, where the true God does not condemn those He loves. Thanks for saying that so well, to remind me . . . when I try to be God . . . I will always fail and hurt myself. (as well as others)

    I am sorry for the loss of your children. Our first, is in heaven, as well.



Thank you for your kind words!