It took years after my last miscarriage and the later birth of Ellen for me to completely let go of Matthew and the other babies I had lost. I clung to them in my heart and punished myself (sometimes multiple times in a day) for sins that I had committed. My only explanation of losing four unborn babies was that I had committed grievous crimes against my Savior and He had to take them as a punishment to me...essentially as a precious sacrifice for my sins.
The Truth, though, is that Jesus died for every one of my sins on the Cross. He didn't leave one or two "grievous crimes" that I would later have to pay for myself. By clinging to Matthew's memory, in order to "punish" myself, I put myself in the place of God. Essentially I was telling Him that His sacrifice wasn't enough and I needed to offer my own, more precious sacrifice. Trying to be God is a very dangerous place to be! Instead of redeeming myself, I only alienated myself. Instead of peace and freedom, I had heart ache and sorrow. I didn't find complete healing until I let go of trying to punish myself and accept God's forgiveness for ALL of my sins.
Though I still miss Matthew and the others, I no longer feel heart ache and sorrow. The pain now is one of "homesickness". There are days that I can hardly wait to see my children face to face in heaven. As my kids remind me, "Mom, you must have a HUGE mansion in heaven to hold all of us!" I pray this freedom for my friend who is struggling. I hope she isn't punishing herself the way I did for years. I hope she can find peace and freedom in God's love and forgiveness for her.
Every woman's miscarriage experience is differently. I don't post this story as the answer to anyone's struggle. Rather, it is simply my story and I hope it provides hope for someone who is hurting.