Having a child is
deciding to forever
watch your heart walk around
outside of your body.
Valentine's Day... the day of hearts, flowers, chocolate, and cupid. The day decked out in pink, red, white with streamers and balloons. A day set apart to celebrate love. A day that will reap billions of dollars in consumer spending.
Yesterday I watched my heart be wheeled away by those in scrubs, hats and face masks. I waited and I wondered. I prayed and I pondered...
Does he know how much I love him?
Did I say it enough?
Will they take good care of my boy?
Is he even my boy?
No... he's HIS...
Does He know I can hardly breathe?
Does He know how much I love him?
Do I trust enough?
This morning, I read this from a friend on facebook...
say it today
don't imply it
and I think... how often do I imply? How many Valentine's Days have I gone out and spent $10 or $15 dollars to imply that I love the four I love the most? How many times for anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas have I done the same thing?
I KNOW my heart. I KNOW I have done this. When did implication take over communication?
Today... this mother's heart looks different. Perhaps it was because I realized that billions will be spent today. Some will say I LOVE YOU... others will imply it with flowers, chocolate, hearts, valentines.
...or maybe it was because yesterday my heart went missing for three hours and when I could finally see him, touch him, kiss him... I realized... I haven't said it enough, because there is never enough.
Today... I want to say it in words and deeds. I want to love on all four of them. Tonight there will be a homemade meal... not fancy but tasty. There will be no cards to open or gifts to unwrap... not because I think those things are wrong but because I have used them wrongly in the past.
I don't want any implications this Valentine's Day. I simply want to say it from my heart to theirs.