Thursday, September 01, 2011

when I get it right...

So often, in mothering, I feel like a failure... I feel as though I get it wrong about 90% of the time.

This morning I was startled awake by an awkward hug from the man-cub.  A gruffly "thanks Mom!" and a quick hug... over before I could comprehend.  As he stumbled to the shower, I smiled and said "Thanks Lord!  I got it right!"

Up in the wee early hours this morning praying for my kids, I was struck with the memories of my own teenage insecurities.  So often, I found myself wondering if I was really loved.  When my parents said "no", my teenage heart would transfer that to "I don't love you."  When my parents couldn't take me places I wanted to go, my teenage spirit heard that as "you are not as important."  When my parents would tell me that we could not afford something, I interpreted that as "you are not worth that."  All that and more was heard through my warped teenage filter.  The funny thing is, though, that I had no idea my filter was distorted by hormones, insecurities and peers.

I saw glimpses of this misinterpretation taking place in my son's spirit this week.  He had an away football game tonight... an hour away and I have 1/8th of a tank of fuel until pay day tomorrow.  Four times this week he asked if we were going to his game and four times I said "no, we can't."  The fourth time I realized the question behind the question.  He was asking, "Am I important?  Do you love me?  Are my games as important as Emily's?"

I had purchased a team hoodie as a surprise for him.  I wasn't sure when I was going to give it to him and had even considered taking it to school and hiding it in his locker for his first home game next week.  Instead, I felt the Spirit tugging at 1:45 this morning.  I took the sweatshirt out of hiding and hung it in the shower.  He got his sweatshirt on the hottest day of school.  The heat index today was 98*.  It didn't matter, though.  His new hoodie with "KREIDER 86" on the back went to school with him today.  To him, that sweatshirt was affirmation... a reminder that I am important, I am loved, I am worth it.  

I don't always get it right.  I fail miserably in reading and understanding my kids.  I see and hear them through my own warped filter.  My filter that is distorted by pride, selfishness and fatigue.  In that hug, I learned a valuable lesson today.  It's only when I hear and see them through the filter of Christ do I get it right.

1 comment:

  1. Way to go mom!

    wish we could see him play! hope all went well!


Thank you for your kind words!