I contemplated much last night... all the while trying not to let my brain "go there" and freak out. When they wheeled my baby for a head CT, I almost lost the battle between calm and panic. I believe I kept it together only because of people praying specifically for the mom in this situation!
The greatest contemplation came on the late night drive home. Just a few months ago, dear friends lived my nightmare last night. Why did we get the doctor who came in and said "we don't know what is causing this but we do know that her CT, xray and labs all came back looking great" and my friends got the doctor who said "your daughter has a brain tumor"?
I can't even begin to know why God allows some trials and stops others. I can't go there. I can't wrap my feeble brain around why one friend's lump is benign while another friend finds out she has stage 4 lymphoma. Or why my father-in-law is now cancer free and yet I have friends who are enjoying heaven after battling cancer. I don't know why Emme's BFF has a brain tumor and Ellen doesn't.
I only know that I serve a God who never changes.... One who is good all the time. I have chosen to place my heart in His hands and trust that He will carry me through the uncertainty. I can only pray that I will be obedient to whatever road He has me journey.
...so... for the last 15 hours I have been reflective, contemplative, prayerful...
...contemplating a God who never changes.
...contemplating a God who freely gives grace and mercy.
...contemplating that my feeble mind can not understand this God and these gifts but I will love Him and serve Him anyway.