...with thankful hearts...

post Valentine gift for you...

2012-02-15T12:27:00.004-05:00

This is what being intentional looked like yesterday... intentionally saying I love you fourteen different ways.

Amazingly, the thought came to me while I was writing yesterday's post. My initial heart response was..."I don't have the time for that!" ... why?!? Why is that ALWAYS my first heart response.

Reality? Writing four lists took me about 20 minutes... not much time to invest in these I love.

Sometimes I wonder if the surprises are from him... or are they from HIM in disguise? Just when I write my heart and essentially swear off the materialism of Valentine's Day... he comes home with these... and I smile and say thank you and thank YOU for grace and mercy, and for HIM putting me in my place.

Today, I marvel much over grace gifts... the many gifts that come my way day in and day out. The many answers to spoken and unspoken prayer. Most specifically, the answers to the prayer of the Mom's heart that says... give me mercy, give me grace, help me endure the days he's home recovering.

Instead of endure... I have enjoyed! Gifts of sweet time and sweeter conversations. A few moments to sit by and immerse myself in this moment before it's gone. All too soon, he will be back in the adventure of life and we will be running here and there. Soon, too, he will be off on his own life adventure. So... I sit and I soak it in... this time with the one I can hardly call man-cub anymore.

...and, I offer you this gift...

... just $.99 at Amazon or Smashwords.

...happy belated LOVE day!

this mother's heart...

2012-02-14T13:03:00.000-05:00

Having a child is

deciding to forever

watch your heart walk around

outside of your body.

~unknown~

Valentine's Day... the day of hearts, flowers, chocolate, and cupid. The day decked out in pink, red, white with streamers and balloons. A day set apart to celebrate love. A day that will reap billions of dollars in consumer spending.

Yesterday I watched my heart be wheeled away by those in scrubs, hats and face masks. I waited and I wondered. I prayed and I pondered...

Does he know how much I love him?

Did I say it enough?

Will they take good care of my boy?

Is he even my boy?

No... he's HIS...

Does He know I can hardly breathe?

Does He know how much I love him?

Do I trust enough?

This morning, I read this from a friend on facebook...

say it today

don't imply it

and I think... how often do I imply? How many Valentine's Days have I gone out and spent $10 or $15 dollars to imply that I love the four I love the most? How many times for anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas have I done the same thing?

I KNOW my heart. I KNOW I have done this. When did implication take over communication?

Today... this mother's heart looks different. Perhaps it was because I realized that billions will be spent today. Some will say I LOVE YOU... others will imply it with flowers, chocolate, hearts, valentines.

...or maybe it was because yesterday my heart went missing for three hours and when I could finally see him, touch him, kiss him... I realized... I haven't said it enough, because there is never enough.

Today... I want to say it in words and deeds. I want to love on all four of them. Tonight there will be a homemade meal... not fancy but tasty. There will be no cards to open or gifts to unwrap... not because I think those things are wrong but because I have used them wrongly in the past.

I don't want any implications this Valentine's Day. I simply want to say it from my heart to theirs.

when I have it backward...

2012-02-13T09:56:00.002-05:00

Yesterday's JOY DARE...

three hard eucharisteos

...why is this so hard for me?

why do I easily say thank You for the hard things...

... the low checking account balance that leaves me trusting

... the broken bone and that it is only one

... the phone call to the surgeon, who was in California, because my man, the OR nurse, trusts him with our son

Why is it these things that I find to be the hard eucharisteo? Why do I stumble saying thank You for these...

... the ones whose comments make my head spin

... the relatively easy conversations with the school this morning to get the mancub out of school for a few days

... my man's knowledge and expertise that this mother's heart fails to trust

I've wondered if I live life backward? Why is the hard easier than the simple? Why does my tongue stumble over thank You...

... for miscommunication that ends in abiding love

... for a mancub with heart full of adventure

... for the intent of the heart rather than the words of the mouth

The longer I live... the less I know. Today, I seem to know very little... except that I live the hard eucharisteo backward.

It's easy for me to say thank You for things I deem out of my control. It's much harder to say thank You in an effort to control the attitude of my heart.

join me in joining in the gratitude community at Ann's on this Multitude Monday?

when all you can do is shake your head...

2012-02-12T19:50:00.001-05:00

There are times... as a mom... when all you can do is shake your head... in bewilderment.

There are times when a text like this...

the trainer says I should have an x-ray

I fell and hurt my left elbow

pretty bad its in a sling

turns into this...

which turned into a weekend like this...

which, in turn, has led to surgery scheduled for tomorrow...

all because my kid failed to clear a hurdle at practice on Friday...

...and I'm still shaking my head in bewilderment that the kid made it through football season just fine.

reckless trust...

2012-02-10T07:53:00.001-05:00

Joining in, again,

with the 5 minute Friday

community

at Gypsy Mama

the goal?

write for 5 minutes

without stopping

on one topic...

no correcting...

no cut and pasting...

no revisions...

the topic?

TRUST

Do I trust Him or me? To I sell out to "playing it safe" or do I wholeheartedly jump in with reckless trust?

The irony? It's in the reckless trust that I'm safest.

Moses. The man God chose to free the Israelites. The man God chose to use in mighty, mighty ways. The man God chose to get under Pharoah's skin.

This Moses. He spent 40 years in a dead-end job. He worked for his father-in-law shepherding his sheep. Poor guy! Oh yeah, it was his own fault. He killed an Egyptian and ran away.

This Moses was hiding in a sheep field working a dead-end job keeping his in-laws happy when God suddenly came down right in front of his face... in a desert bush that burned without burning up.

Moses!

The thing that strikes me the most, lately, is that God commanded Moses to throw down his staff. His staff... the one thing that identified who he was. It was his weapon against prowlers, his tool to guide his sheep, and his identity to those who saw him. After 40 years, it probably became a very real part of who Moses was.

"What's that in your hand?" God asked.

"A staff." I wonder what Moses was thinking. It's probably not polite to say "Duh, God!"

"Throw it down!"

Ummm... ok... but really? It's just a staff. A piece of wood. But... it's MY staff... my piece of wood... my identity.

I wonder how many times God tells me to let go of something and I don't. I want to be a Moses... I want to trust Him and let go of the very things that identify who I am.

Why?

Because that staff turned into a snake!! Yep. Moses' God, my God... maybe your God.. He does stuff like that. Moses' identity turned into God's identity. God used it to change history. No longer just a shepherd's staff... this staff turned snake turned staff again became God's tool, not Moses'. A mighty, Mighty tool, too!

STOP

** a little disclaimer... I just learned that I'm lousy at exercises like this... I never realized that I use my "delete" aka "backspace" button like a regular button on my keyboard. Without stopping to think, I reach up and backspace and correct myself all the time! Ooops... so there are still probably big errors because I haven't proofed this... I fail miserably at the no correction thing.

also... I loose track of time when I write. This was 8 minutes.

.... much to learn!

600...

2012-02-08T08:09:00.001-05:00

I remember asking my 6th grade English teacher to sign my yearbook. She handed it back with a smile.

May you grow intellectually

as you are growing verbally.

I haven't seen that yearbook in a many, many years... but I have never forgotten her words.

Now, all these years later, I wonder if I ever did grow intellectually. The fact that this is my 600th post on this blog is a testimony to the fact that to this day, I continue to grow verbally.

I {heart} words. I think I inherited this from my mom. She loves words more than anyone I know and has a vocabulary that is stellar. I can only hope to ever come close.

I love words and using words. Stringing them together into sentences that are powerful with just a few words is my favorite challenge. Writing is my creative outlet. Words become so much more when tied together.

Words also have the ability to heal or destroy. The power rests in the tongue. Such a small muscle that wields such great strength. I often allow my tongue to run at will rather than exercise the self-control to reign it in. The result is usually devastation of some sort.

Thirty years ago, my sixth grade English teacher was on to something. I think if I were to grow intellectually, I would learn to use my verbal skills for good rather than harm.

I wish it wouldn't have taken my thirty years to see her wisdom.

in awe... again...

2012-02-06T08:25:00.004-05:00

It seems as if the last few years have brought some new weather phenomena to our little sleepy town... or maybe I'm finally growing up enough to notice things happening outside the walls of me... or maybe both. Either way, I love the way God brings about weather and shows His power through it.

We've had thundersnow {which is the absolute BEST of both worlds!}, a couple of inches of snow when it's been 36*, and twice in the past 30 hours... freezing fog.

Breathtaking!

It also seems as if the past few weeks have brought me a new love for God and His Word. I have had a deep love for Scripture for a long time. However, my sinful self's love ebbs and flows. I wish it were deep and abiding. I wish I didn't go days without opening my Bible... or days looking for it. I want to always be in awe of God's Word. I'm not.

So, I pray... especially on the days I can't even find my Bible. I ask for Him to renew me... to give me a hunger for His Word... to make my heart crave it... to be in awe... again.

He is always, always, always faithful... again.

He showed me this in Job, and I laughed out loud...

At this also my heart trembles,

and leaps from it's place.

Listen closely to the thunder of His voice,

and the rumbling that goes out from His mouth.

Under the whole heaven He lets it loose,

and His lightening to the ends of the earth....

God thunders with His voice wondrously

doing great things which we cannot comprehend.

For to the snow He says, "Fall on the earth,"

and to the downpour and the rain, "Be strong."

...this is me. My heart trembles and my pulse quickens when I see the strength of my God played out in weather. I get excited over thunderstorms and giddy over snow. Who knew that Job's friend, Elihu felt the same way?

I'm joining in again with the gratitude community at Ann's, counting gifts on this gorgeous foggy Monday morning...

... the beauty of weather

... the way the fog crystalizes on the trees

... the light of the sun shining through

... that His light burns off the fog in my heart

... unexpected snow

... for 15 years with my mancub

... for him wanting to spend the day with his dad

... for a girls day while they were gone

... for a quiet evening at home to watch the big game

... for family Bible reading

... for answered prayer

... for headaches that send me to the Throne

... for His healing and mercy

... for funds for Chad and Emme's trip

... for a girl who made "treats in a jar" all weekend

... for the gift of hard work

... and for the ownership that comes with it

... for a morning that he can sleep in

... for free wi/fi

... for daily lessons

... for knowing I have been carried through

... for phone calls with my dad

... his laughter

... sharing in the joy of grandson antics

... for the "I love you" that comes at the end

... for the times we are a united front

... for the lessening times that we are not

... for face time

... for kids big enough to leave at home in search of face time

... for lunch with new friends

... for the ongoing joy of LEGOs

... for the friend who took an hour to brainstorm with me

... for the years of friendship

... for a day to run away

... the laughter of women

... seeing her smile and laugh and know that He answers prayer!

... knowing that there is always joy in the morning

... for a God who blows me away

... answers my prayer

... and gives me laughter

celebrating friendships...

2012-02-04T13:59:00.001-05:00

Sometimes you just have to

get in your truck

with 3 great women

to run far away

for a few hours

Sometimes the only way to

take time to celebrate friendships

and birthdays is to make time

So when one has a 39th birthday

{for the 1st time, as she says}

you cannot NOT celebrate

So you journey back country roads

and state highways

to travel back in time

just for lunch...

turkey panini with spinach and artichoke

pineapple, cantaloupe and Greek salad...

plum iced tea and tomato artichoke soup

and...

a half order of

raspberry apple bread pudding

'cuz you are just too full

to consider a full order

Since you are so full...

you walk and look

and dream and laugh

cuz you know that time like this

is a gift and friends like these

don't come every day

so, sometimes you just have

to make time

to run away to Pickles

in Plumtickled Junction,

with 3 great women

to celebrate a life

and friendship

and...

we dare you to try

to find this on

any map

we're confident you'd be hard pressed

to do so...

which is why we

run far away

for a few hours

every once in a while.

of this... I am proud!

2012-02-04T07:28:00.001-05:00

I've done five things in my life that I have NEVER regretted. Five things, of which I am extremely proud. Though, I could let go of everything else I have ever done without regret, I hold tightly to these five. They even define who I am....

1) I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior...

the greatest thing I have ever done

2) I married the man who has held my heart all these years...

my love, second only to Jesus Christ

3, 4, 5) three times over I gave birth, became a mom...

starting with the mancub 15 years ago...

today

this one, right here...

he has been used of God to stretch me and shape me

he has made me laugh until tears flow

and weep until tears were spent

I like to think I can look at him

and think of all that I have done...

...and then I remember...

the things that I have done...

...and I bow the heart and thank the One

who has interceded on my behalf

and who has raised up this one

to be a God-fearing mancub

fifteen years ago,

a young, naive, and exhausted mother

was handed her son...

HER SON!

and...

I wondered why they gave him to me?

Did they know I had NO idea how to take care

of someone else?

so...

we learned together, my man and I

and we prayed...

and we pray.

thankfully, he is so much more like

his Heavenly Father

than his earthly mother!

and though I have failed him

time and time again...

of this one, I am proud!

what is REAL?

2012-02-03T10:23:00.002-05:00

Joining in with the community at thegypsymama to write for 5 minutes today.

The theme? Real

GO

Real... is it the fog outside my window that matches the fog inside my head? Is real what I see or what I feel or both?

Real... is it the fact that I can now see the entire floor to my laundry room? We went 30 hours without clean dish towels. Not that we really needed them... not sure I did dishes in that time. Instead it was run here, go there, eat out, eat pb&j. It's my reality... my real. It's not the Norman Rockwellish, June Cleaver look that is in my head of all five of us sitting down for a beautiful meal every. single. meal. Nope... real is the mountain of laundry that I conquered this morning to be able to see that floor and real is having clean dish towels for today.

Real... is it what I project my life when I blog? Do others read my blog and see what I want them to see? Do they see Martha Stewart or do they see the chaos/mess that is my life... my real?

Real... do I let others see my real in REAL life? Do I try to cover up the real with the cosmetic fake to look like the dutiful wife, good mom, obedient Christian, successful homeschooler? Yes... I do try to cover up my warts, zits and blemishes but often my make-up runs off and I'm left standing in a puddle facing the real.

Real... it's all of this and more.

STOP

care to jump in with the 5 Minute Friday community?

NFL answers...

2012-02-01T12:26:00.002-05:00

Here are the answers to the NFL riddle quiz I posted last night. This may resurface for future Superbowl parties at our house.

How did you do?

1) Jets
2) Redskins
3) Bucc-an-eers
4) Raiders
5) G.I. ants
6) Browns
7) Saints
8) Cowboys
9) Seahawks
10) Ravens
11) 49ers
12) Chiefs
13) Chargers
14) Panthers
15) Falcons
16) Dol-phins
17) Pat-riots
18) Cardinals
19) Jaguars
20) Steelers
21) Tex(t)-ans
22) Lions
23) Ben-gals
24) The Eagles
25) Titans
26) Broncos
27) Bears
28) Packers
29) Bills
30) VI-kings
31) Rams
32) Colts

a little NFL fun..

2012-01-31T22:37:00.000-05:00

Since I love football, especially NFL and the Superbowl is in Indy this year, I thought maybe this Indiana native {I am NOT a Hoosier} would entertain you with a little NFL fun.

I sat with my man and the mancub tonight and this mom rocked the game! Only missed four... let me know if you top me.

This was in the latest edition of our electric company's newsletter. Enjoy! Answers will be posted later.

I'll even give you a clue to get you started... once again, my beloved Colts are on the bottom!

GAME OF THE NAMES

See how many of the 32 NFL teams you can identify from these playful clues. Some are pretty out of bounds. Good luck!

1) Played with Bennie

2) Inattentive sunbathers

3) $1 for corn

4) Midnight snackers

5) Insect-sized soldiers

6) Fed-Ex Competitors

7) They "go marching in"

8) Little male mooers

9) Marine bird

10) Quothed "nevermore"

11) Seven squared

12) Indian leaders

13) Electric co-op power lines

14) Spotless leopards

15) Trained birds of prey

16) Barbies 1959 Cadillac

17) Disturbances by Summerall, Riley and McAfee

18) Rules not to break

19) Fast, sporty and spotty

20) Trinidad drummers

21) Quick communicators

22) Kings of the jungle

23) Franklin's lady friends

24) Guests at the Hotel California

25) Fathers of the gods

26) Windpipes

27) Streakers

28) Loaders

29) IOUs

30) Six Rulers

31) Ewes' mates

32) Frisky foals

when you wonder what's next...

2012-01-31T08:05:00.001-05:00

Contemplative today....

After today....
And a VERY muddy January, with today's high temp forecasted to be 57*... I wonder what's next. Will February be cold and snowy? Will it be mild? Will I even be able to make maple syrup this year?

After his first dance...
I wonder what's next. He went with the girl his dad and I hoped and prayed he would. Our influence is waning though. Will I love the next girl as much as I love Emma? Do I pray for the women who will influence him?

After Saturday...
He will be 15. So often I see him in the recliner with his iTouch and I wonder... where did we go wrong? Why doesn't he have more motivation? Why isn't he doing something productive? And, then... I see him at church playing with the little boys... or putting away the sound equipment... or running the PowerPoint, and I hear a woman whisper in my ear, "he is such a good boy!"

All of this makes me wonder... and pray... for him. He faces things at school that no 15 year old should have to face and yet he is there with 2,000 other students all either facing those things or perpetuating them. Do I pray enough?

After this school year...
She has loved her year at private school. She has thrived and grown and matured in amazing ways. Tomorrow we get up before the sun to go to a breakfast where she will be honored as "Student of the Week". This is new to her, and to us. When you are homeschooled you are either always student of the week or never student of the week....

I wonder about next year? Will God send her back to private school or will she stay home? I don't foresee her going to our public middle school for 7th grade but maybe she will. Do I pray for His best in her life?

After today...
Sat and talked with my kindred spirit last night and she outlined the next book. I laughed. She said "this is what you should write!" and she laughed.

I don't know... I don't even know what's going to happen with the one that is finished. I wonder much... in one day, enough books sold to support one Compassion International child for one month. Do I pray to be blown away?

I wonder...

...maybe I have the question wrong. It's not "what's next, LORD?"... instead, it's "am I seeking you with all my heart?"

For I know the plans I have for you,”

declares the LORD,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future.

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me,

and I will listen to you.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I will be found by you,” declares the LORD,

“and will bring you back from captivity.

I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD,

“and will bring you back to the place

from which I carried you into exile.”

Jeremiah 29:11-14

fear, grace, FREE Kindle app...and a GIFT for you!

2012-01-30T08:32:00.000-05:00

It is impossible to give thanks

and simultaneously feel fear.

A. Voskamp (1000 Gifts, pg 203)

So much of my life has been wasted caving to fear... fear of the unknown and fear of people's reaction to me. Both have been an incredible waste of time... and a stronghold of Satan on my heart.

He's the master liar. For years and years and years I didn't know this was his stronghold... I believed his lies over God's truth.

I am the way,

the truth,

and the life.

John 14:6

Somewhere along this journey called life, I even bought the lie that fear was more comfortable than freedom. So, I stayed in my fear.

Then you will know

the truth and the truth

will set you free.

John 8:32

Until I sought freedom. I didn't know when I took Ann's challenge and started counting gifts that I would be changed so. I had put limits on His grace, and didn't even realize I had done it. I didn't know His grace was THAT sufficient. I didn't realize His grace would change me in ways I never knew need changing.

I've counted above and beyond 1000 in my quest to develop an attitude of gratitude. In that journey, He has changed me above and beyond 1000 different ways.

Most recently... by guiding me to let go of my fear of rejection and pursue a life long dream of publication. He guided and I finally followed. Not only did He guide, He taught. He taught and I finally learned.

When I clicked the last button on Saturday, I was sitting in the kitchen of my friend, Rachelle... gratefully using her super fast, unlimited wi/fi. And, when completed all the steps to independently publish a book, I clicked the last button "publish" and I lifted my hands in gratitude.

No fear,

just awe!

Last night, I reread parts of 1000 Gifts, and Ann's words jumped off the page...

It is impossible to give thanks
and simultaneously feel fear.
A. Voskamp (1000 Gifts, pg 203)

the grace gift list grows...

... for His guiding
... knowing I am upheld
... and carried
... and covered by Him

... free indie publishing
... pursing a goal
... friend's free wi/fi
... fellowship around a computer downloading files
... joint praise and worship and gratitude

... his first dance
... a friend who loans size 14 dress shoes
... and dress pants long enough
... and a shirt and tie
... a "date" who was the perfect one for a first dance

... his prayer over me
... his hand that reaches for mine
... his warmth
... his companionship
... his understanding of this mess called me

~*~
for now, this novel...

...is only available as an eBook.

Did you know that Amazon has a FREE KINDLE APP for your computer? You can download this and read any eBook you want, right from your phone, macbook, laptop, or blackberry....

http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?ie=UTF8&docId=1000493771

Here's a gift for YOU. Today only... 50% off coupon for The Secret of Counting Gifts. This coupon is only good by following this link and using this code. This is a Smashwords coupon... it will not work in the Kindle Store. However, Smashwords will give you a Kindle file that will read in your new Kindle app!

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/127432

coupon code:

Your coupon code is LE65J (not case-sensitive)

... and for friends who love me enough to support this endeavor.

thank you!

12 weeks later...

2012-01-28T15:34:00.000-05:00

Twelve weeks ago.... I went to ExtraOrdinary Women 2011 and was changed.

Eleven weeks ago... I read this and was changed more. Gathered around the table in the candlelight of our weekly Sabbath celebration, Eric read Ann's words to us about Compassion International and Jonathan on the banks of the Amazon. I shared with those I love the most about Ewomen, and Ann, and Lois. We prayed. Emme prayed....

Lord, please help my mom write a book

so she can sell it and we can

help support a Compassion International kid.

In Jesus' name, Amen

I wrote. I prayed. I asked my kids to continue to pray. I kept going with this experiment. And, I was changed more.

Four weeks ago, I wrote an email and asked for permission and she said yes!

This changed me... much.

He taught me... much.

...twelve weeks later, it's published.... at the Amazon Kindle Store or Smashwords.

at the end of a day...

2012-01-21T22:41:00.001-05:00

This was what greeted me at the beginning of my day today... I wish I could have captured the sparkle of the snow. Ab.so.lute.ly beautimous {some days just need made-up words}!

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of work I can do at home... if I simply stay home. It's such a simple concept, I know. However, it is one that I forget from time to time.

often I need a reminder or two

So... today while Chad and Emme were out shoveling 8 driveways for money to return to Guatemala in April, I managed...

~to do 4.7 loads of laundry

(washed, dried, folded, put-away...

except for the last load of jeans

that is still sitting in the dryer)

~to make a double batch of Chex Mix...

which, of course, is mostly gone now

~to send pre-publication manuscript

to some favorite bloggers for

their review

~to make two complete batches of granola bars...

and cut and wrap them

and store them in the freezer for

next week's lunches

~to assign chores and see that they were

mostly completed,

which means the house was about

69% clean today

~to make a batch of bosco sticks

wrapped and frozen and ready

for lunches next week

~to send manuscript via email to

THE WRONG PERSON!

yes... seriously!

thankfully not too serious of a mistake

~to make a batch of turkey and cheese minis

wrapped and frozen and ready

for lunches next week

~to make yummy potato soup for supper...

not quite as good as my friend, Anne's,

but super close

~to make rolls to go with said soup

~to take Emme to girl's Bible study

and not run into the snow plow

that was taking 2/3 of the road

and at the end of a day like that...

~to cuddle up on the couch to watch

COURAGEOUS

with my courageous man

a great ending to a productive day!

what if we are all wrong...

2012-01-18T08:47:00.000-05:00

What if we/me approached life knowing and acknowledging that I am wrong rather than trying to prove I am right?

As it is written,

there is no one righteous, not even one

there is no one who understands

there is no one who seeks God.

Romans 3:10-11

Seems lately, in Christian circles {love that vague term}, so many are trying to prove their stance based on right vs. wrong in how to follow Christ, where to educate our children, how to parent, how to be married, what movies to watch, which holidays to celebrate, which version of God's Word to read, etc., etc., etc.

I'm beginning to believe we are all wrong

... because if we were right, we wouldn't fall into the trap of trying to tear down our brother/sister to build ourselves up.

My children are teaching me this lesson. It seems as if they are constantly fighting to be right. In the fight, they tear down their brother/sister in order to defend themselves. In the end, this parent is left to deal with puffed up pride and hurt feelings.

It's taken 42+ years to realize I do this and my Father God is left to deal with puffed up pride and hurt feelings.

Sin is wrong

I sin

I am wrong

This is how I want to live the rest of my days... I know I will fail miserably.

I want to be wrong so that I don't fight to be right.

{virtual coffee} again...

2012-01-17T11:45:00.000-05:00

maybe caffeine would help?!?

Good morning... it's a yucky, rainy, cold and mostly miserable day outside... a GREAT day for {virtual coffee} dontcha think?

Joining up with Amy to sip some virtual coffee together today. Care to join us?

Ellen and I brought school to the library today. Doesn't she looked thrilled? I have to confess that I've kinda let school slide a little lately. Not that I'm a rigid homeschool mom; but, even to my standards, things have slipped a bit. What, with writing a book and now working on a sequel, celebrating Christmas and New Year with friends and family, almost running over myself, passing out toys for Toy Time, and waiting for puppies to be born... it seems as if I don't have enough of me to do it all and school too.

I used to worry about such times in our lives... worry that my kids weren't learning enough, getting enough, being enough, whatever enough. Somehow, putting the two older in school has changed my perspective greatly. They both were homeschooled. They both transitioned beautifully. They both have high GPA's. They're fine. Ellen will be fine too. So, I don't worry anymore over the days when we stay in our pj's and read 3 entire Boxcar Children books or the days when we make Bosco sticks, hot pockets, mini pies, cookies and granola bars for the other kid's school lunches.

Just think of all the time I've wasted worrying! So, today we push the "restart" button and we work diligently on our schoolwork while still having fun at the library.

Speaking of libraries... I think mine is about the best around. You know, we could actually have our coffee here? Yep, my library is cool like that. Just make sure you keep the lid on.... ; )

I've been attempting to make my own coffee creamer at home. So far... I'm undecided on it. I'd like to do it to cut cost and preservatives but not so sure it's worth it. I'll keep you posted on different recipes I try. Here's the one from today...

Honey Almond Coffee Creamer

1 can sweetened evaporated milk

1 1/2 c. milk

1/4. c. honey

1/8 t. almond extract

Pour all into a 1 quart canning jar and tighten lid. Shake well until all honey and condensed milk is mixed in. Store in fridge and use with your favorite coffee.

... this is the recipe I like best, thus far. I've tried vanilla and pumpkin spice. Still not as good as Sweet Italian Cream, which is, by far, my fave!!

In this little chat, Ellen has finished her school work. Time for us to move on.

Hope you have an amazing Tuesday. Thanks for joining me!

tasting the quiet...

2012-01-16T14:10:00.000-05:00

It's just me and the dog at home... for 24 hours now. It's still and quiet and slightly weird.

Another migraine left me at home while the rest went to see Mama and Papa. I'm torn. Shouldn't I be the one to go to my parent's home? And, yet, I love that they are my man's parents now too and he goes without me.

I love that my dad is willing to take my mancub alongside and teach him some skills... helping Eric complete a woodworking 4H project. Time together in Papa's shop is so much more than learning how to sand and plane and build a table. The time is the gift, the lesson is the whipped cream and cherry on top.

I love that my girls are scrapbooking with their grandmother today. I love that I am not there to make sure everyone is on their best behavior... sharing scissors and not fighting over stickers. My mother raised four children... she is quite accomplished at handling sibling rivalry. And, amazingly, there is probably little fighting going on in Grandma's presence.

Yesterday, they left me tucked into bed in a very dark and quiet room. I was too sick to miss them... today I miss them immensely. I frittered minutes away this morning doing laundry, dishes, etc. feeling slightly discombobulated... missing the noise and chaos, their companionship and love.

Finally, a cup of tea and honey and a phone conversation with a friend and I get it. I taste it. I taste the sweetness of the honey and taste the sweetness of this time. I remember the younger me... the one with crying babies and toddlers at my feet wishing for just a few moments of quiet. I remember the last week me... driving all around town hurrying here and there and not tasting the coffee that I inhaled. I remember the yesterday me... so very sick. Wishing for just a moment's peace from a pounding head and upset stomach.

All of me wishing for some peace and quiet and when the peace and quiet comes, I don't immerse myself in it and taste it for what it is.

Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.

Psalm 34:8 (NIV)

So... in the still and quiet and slightly weird, I taste what my soul has often longed for. Sticky and sweet and yummy, much like the honey in my tea, it tastes ohhh so good! And, for this moment, this brief blip on my timeline, I am thankfully tasting the quiet and counting it as a gift of goodness from my LORD.

On this Multitude Monday... I continue to count with the gratitude community at Ann's.

... for peace and quiet

... for only a residual headache

... for my personal nurse who cares more deeply than I often realize

... for dark

... for sleep

... for a dad who wants to teach his grandson

... for greater lessons learned

... for time with Grandma

... for parents who love my man almost as much as I do (sometimes more...)

... for the love my man has for them

... for the sweetness of honey and the warm steam of tea

... for my kindred spirit who is my own Nurse Practitioner and the care she gives me

... for answered prayer

... for friendships that span years and memories

... for beta readers

... for her willingness to say yes! and I'm praying for you!

... for His guidance

... for words

... for direction

... for grace

.... and mercy

... and new mercies every morning

beware of the random post...

2012-01-13T11:20:00.001-05:00

You are about to enter a very random post...

you may want to walk away...

beware!

we woke up to this hanging off

our roof this morning..

I actually opened a living room window

and removed the screen to take this picture

much to the chagrin of the boy.

I don't know what bothered him more...

the cold air coming in

or that his mother was hanging out the window.

this still just cracks me up!

What looks like Rapture left-overs is

actually a very carefully laid plan.

This is what the 8 year olds bedroom floor

looked like Wednesday night. She laid

her clothes out for homeschool co-op the next morning

in the exact way she would wear them....

funny girl!

beauty for $3.99 at Aldi.

The male cashier asked me if I was purchasing those

for myself or someone else.

I told him for my marriage...

I enjoy them immensely

and it gets my husband off the hook.

this is what's for dinner tonight.

The idea of a turkey stuffed with a duck and a hen

has always intrigued me.

Though not a rockbottom price,

the clearance tag convinced Chad to try it

and he convinced me.

The best part?

We're taking it to a spontaneous get-together tonight.

Should make for some great discussion!

this is how we spend snow days!

I'm wrapped up in this blanket

looking down at Ebony at my feet.

I should be writing, folding laundry, doing dishes

or doing a million other things.

Love this blanket, by the way!

Dad bought it to wrap Chad's Christmas gift

and it's now used every day in

the living room.

this is the first idea

for the book cover...

not crazy about it and have

been brainstorming with my photography friend,

Kari,

she is uber talented and I can't wait

to see it all come together!

I've started the sequel

and I thought a snow day

would be the PERFECT day to write...

I even fell asleep last night dreaming

of writing all day long.

Let's just say...

not so much...

instead...

I'm under the red blanket

blogging a hideously random post...

and apparently,

you did not head the warning.

worship...

2012-01-11T13:06:00.001-05:00

often this is worship to me...

time marveling in and at His creation,

His faithfulness and grace,

His mighty right hand...

all done within

my heart

often this is worship to me...

time in His Word,

His love letter

a story of sin, death and redemption

stained with the blood of His Son...

written to me

often this is worship to me...

these three entrusted to their dad and I

for only a short time, a blip on the radar...

a time to teach and admonish

and worship the Creator

not the created

often this is worship to me...

time alone

when "Peace, be still"

is said to the storm raging within...

quiet and still before the Throne

this is my favorite way to worship...
hearts that come together to join
in corporate prayer...
for He Himself promised
where 2 or 3 are gathered in His name
He is there

though I love this little one,

the daughter of a friend,

raising hands and singing

is rarely worship to me...

those who sing and dance

and make music unto the LORD

find it hard to understand

...to me, worship is

peace... quiet...

my heart still before the Throne of Grace

and the One who sits upon it

my heart joyful

my soul glad

often this is worship to me...

the Body of Christ

gathered together in the shadow of the Cross

each exercising the gifts and abilities

the Father has bestowed upon them...

in love

shaking things up...

2012-01-09T13:33:00.000-05:00

"prayer @ 8 tonight, our house"

... this was the text I received Saturday evening at about 7:30 p.m. Chad and Eric were cashing in a Buffalo Wild Wings gift card with some other guys and watching the Bengals lose to the Texans in the Wild Card playoff game. Emme was at girl's Bible study and I was rolling Ellen's hair around strips of Chad's old t-shirt. She wanted curls for church.

Group prayer wasn't on the radar. It just became the sudden blip that beeped with increased intensity. Chad and Eric came home... Chad and I left to pray... Ellen went to bed... Eric watched football.

We prayed with intensity. We prayed for a breath of fresh Spirit {actually... He doesn't need to be fresh, we do. A better prayer would have been freshen us to see You and to be quick to listen and quick to obey}. We prayed for Him to come.. to meet us... to change us... to shake us up a bit. We talked and shared ideas. Really, though, we left with no answers but a peace to sleep through the night.

Those that meet with us to fellowship on Sunday mornings walked in to church yesterday and saw chairs no longer in rows facing the podium. Instead, three concentric circles, with aisles to get in and out, sat around a stool. I walked in and smiled. I sat and prayed. Chad joined me and we prayed together. I waited... in peace {no small feat of the Spirit!}.

A beautiful service of testimony and prayer. Of a cappella hymns sprinkled with spontaneous Scripture reading. A service for Him, about Him and ultimately from Him. All from a slightly different vantage point. Sitting in a different way, doing things in a different order shook up church a bit and gave me a fresh perspective.

I thought that was it... a little shaking up at church and I would move on to the rest of my day... maybe nap... possibly write... probably watch some football. Again, the radar had no indication of what was to come.

As only He can do, He took that prayer that I prayed and applied it to my whole day. Much like turning over a snowglobe and watching the glitter swirl and sparkle. He turned my day. A day of sweet fellowship and renewed friendships. A day of no less that eleven children running amuck throughout my house. An evening of unhurried face time with my man... a few moments to reconnect before the events that will make up this week.

Most of the time, I am afraid to ask God to shake things up. I think in negative tones. I am afraid that His shaking means my world trembles, my mountains quake and my rivers will run over.

I quickly forget that my God desires to bless my socks off and yesterday He did that by shaking things up a bit.

the way He answers...

2012-01-06T15:48:00.000-05:00

I know I just posted... but had to share the way He answers. Why do I stand amazed time after time? I don't know. He does this to me all.the.time and I still question Him.

This... on the .8 mile trek to get Emme from school... this is how He answers...

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
Blessings
Laura Story

...a song on the radio... a song Emme knows all the lyrics to and sang all the way home.

He gives me a song to hear my child sing and He reminds me of two different conversations in the past few months... two friends both cancer survivors both say "I am so thankful for the journey. I wouldn't trade it. It was a blessing. He taught me much of Himself and I am so grateful."

...so my restless heart struggles with cancer and two friends; and yet, who am I to pray them out of this? Perhaps this is their greatest blessing.

restless...

2012-01-06T15:09:00.000-05:00

I'm a restless mess...

I hesitate to post this... sometimes it seems like my tweets, status updates or posts are misunderstood. Not all the time... but a lot... but, since I'm a restless mess, I might as well write about it.

I'm restless. I hate waiting. I don't wait well. I don't even sit still when I'm not waiting for something... thus, when I find myself waiting I become a restless mess. I haven't worn a hole in my floor pacing, nor have I cleaned my entire house {although, that would be a great idea}. Instead, I've sat for a couple of hours wondering and waiting.

Today I pray for two friends. I pray without words. I feel as though my heart is at odds with my mind. I want God's perfect will done... my way. I know it doesn't work that way...it's just what I want in this moment.

I find my heart restless for them... restless for answers and next steps. Restless for peace and joy when I have none to share. Restless for my Jesus to just come restore His Kingdom.

... and, I'm thinking I will probably be a restless mess until He does just that.

on sunrises, taxis and do-overs...

2012-01-05T09:37:00.000-05:00

Isn't this gorgeous? It's how God woke me up today.

I spent the first minutes of my day in a dazed stupor. It's taxi day and I drove Chad to work in the dark sipping on a hot cup of coffee. Later, I finished the cup driving Emme to school. But, it wasn't until I got ready to take Eric to school for his late start today that I saw this sunrise and really woke up.

I woke up to God... and how good He is. I woke up to the goodness around me. I noticed the deep colors of His artwork and I thanked Him for the opportunity to have a few last minutes with Eric before school. Those few last minutes turned into precious conversation of my son sharing a sliver of his heart and his thoughts these days. I drove away in awe of the little bit of trust he had in me this morning and his willingness to open up to his mother.

Most days I resent this taxi job... just yesterday, I resented that I sat in the parking lot of the high school for an hour waiting for Eric to finish weight lifting. What I didn't know was that the hurdles coach had come over and was working with Eric for track this spring. I simply reacted to the intrusion on my time. By the time the kid stuck his head in the truck and said, "got any food?" instead of "thanks for waiting, Mom!" I really reacted. I hate reacting!

I feel as though the sunrise and the extra taxi-ing this morning was an opportunity for a do-over. This is how He woke me. He stirred in me the desire to wake up... see the opportunities and seize the taxi sign as a chance to connect with my kids.

I need more sunrises to awaken my soul and more do-overs with my family.

how to make a snowman...

2012-01-01T16:40:00.002-05:00

It was a brownish greenish Christmas... definitely not the white Christmas I always hope for. Of course, tomorrow the forecast calls for 4-7 inches of that lovely white stuff that I {heart} much!

Ellen and I figured out how to make adorable snowmen without any snow on the ground. We went and bought several containers of Mentos gum and peeled the labels off. We saved the gum for later...

After taking the labels off, Ellen gave each snowman its eyes, mouth and buttons with black puff paint and an orange carrot nose with orange paint.

After the paint dried, she dressed each snowman with a scarf made from ribbon or yarn and a pom-pom for their hat.

She gave these as gifts to her friends for their small keepsakes. While her friends really liked their homemade snowman, Ellen's friend, Mallory, wondered why Ellen didn't just leave the gum inside.

I guess next time we make snowmen, we will be sure to leave the gum intact!

watching joy...

2011-12-26T16:45:00.000-05:00

I sat behind friends at our Christmas Eve service. I watched them share joy. I saw her lean into him. He leaned toward her and she whispered in his ear. Whatever she said... it was funny to them. They quietly chuckled, shoulders shaking in silent laughter.

All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God!
      Thank him to his face!
   He gets angry once in a while, but across
      a lifetime there is only love.
   The nights of crying your eyes out
      give way to days of laughter.

Psalm 30:4-5 (The Message)

I held their newborn baby in awe. Their fifth-born child. The fourth who lives upon this earth. I gazed at this new life in awe of a God who answers prayer and heals hearts. In awe of the answered prayers... mine, their's and other's. Prayers for grace... for healing... for joy.

I sat behind them as we came together to honor the Word that became flesh for us and I thanked Him... because it is by His stripes we are all healed and it is through Him we are given joy.

I like holding newborn babies and I love watching joy.

Christmas morning...

2011-12-25T11:50:00.000-05:00

I slept in.

I can hardly believe I am saying this but it is 100% true! And, it felt soooooo good!

I have had a life-long love affair with Christmas morning. It started as a child. My parents would let us wake them at 7 a.m. and my mom would hurry out to plug in the Christmas tree. I even remember one Christmas when she woke us! In college, I would make my younger siblings get out of bed... just because it was Christmas morning {I can still hear their moans of despair}.

I have carried this love affair for 42 years. While I still love Christmas morning...

...this year is different.

We slept in. I got up at 9:38 a.m. and have had a slow morning of enjoying my family and looking forward to friends coming to spend the rest of the day with us. There is not a trace of wrapping paper on the floor nor are there gifts under the tree. My kids, though, are enjoying new books and such.

Parenting is a journey of new discoveries. Chad and I discovered one last night. While playing Phase 10 with the kids at 10 p.m., one of the kids said "wouldn't it be great if we could open gifts as soon as it is Christmas... like at midnight?!" Without many words but a great deal of unspoken communication, an agreement was made between the parents of this house... "why not?"

So we did... I think the greatest part was completely surprising our children... who think we say "NO!" to everything.

Today has been much talk of Jesus... His gift, our salvation. We have talked about those who chose to live today in different ways and those who chose to honor the arrival of the newborn King differently. We've had some great conversation and some quality time on this slow Christmas morning.

... perhaps a new tradition started when our 3 looked us at us dumbfounded when we said "why not?"

a few quiet thoughts...

2011-12-23T15:35:00.002-05:00

Sitting here in the quiet of my living room... it's the first time I've been quiet in a few weeks... really, really quiet. There is a stillness in my soul that feels oh-so-right and a peace in this moment.

Sitting here in the quiet with the mancub... that one who is more man than cub every. single. day. Took him, today, to ask about a job application that he turned in a couple of weeks ago. I heard him say "I'm almost 15" and my heart skipped a beat. Almost 15? How? When? Where?

This child of mine who is 6'2". The one I carried heavy in my womb 15 Christmas' ago. That one time in my life where I thought I could maybe understand a bit of Mary's journey as I felt him move and dwell deep within. That one who came... finally! 3 inductions and 3o hours later. He who turned my world upside down and inside out and left me aching for more children.

I look at him in wonder... and I wonder... what did Mary think? I know the Word says "she pondered these things in her heart" (Luke 2:19). I used to think she pondered the newborn son and the fact that a host of angels announced His birth. I used to think it was a one time pondering of a mother holding her newborn... counting fingers and toes, watching a wee chest rise and fall... holding him close to her breast in awe that she sustained Him.

I now wonder... was Mary's pondering more than that? Did she ponder for 33 years? Did she look at her 5 year old Son and be in awe of His goodness? Did she wonder where 15 years went? Did she look at the young man that worked willingly by his father's side and wonder of the relationship that was father/son but not Father/Son?

As a mother, of a first-born son, I'm thinking Mary must have many quiet thoughts... pondered many things... many times... as she treasured all within her heart.

favorite Christmas books...

2011-12-21T21:06:00.000-05:00

this is my all-time favorite Christmas book!

it tells the story from beginning to end

of the need for the Messiah

who has come to save me

from myself and my sinfulness.

One Wintry Night

by Ruth Bell Graham

is my second all time favorite

Christmas book.

With incredible illustrations by

Richard Jesse Watson

Mrs. Graham

tells the Christmas story

from the babe in the manger

to the Messiah on the cross.

tonight their father read 1 Samuel 3

for our family's Bible time

and later

I read One Wintry Night

in our pj's

and

I received the gift of

another year of snuggle time

and the joy

of sharing the best story ever

with them!

immobilized...

2011-12-21T14:50:00.000-05:00

I've been fighting a migraine for about 30 hours now. For half of that time, I was immobilized... under the covers in the cold room with no light, no sound... sleeping.

Why do I tell you this four days before Christmas? I'm not looking for your sympathy... honestly, I get so few migraines anymore that I really don't want to complain. Instead, I'm sitting here in the quiet and dark of my house marveling in His glory.

See... sometimes He has to remove me... immobilize me... lest I think anything I do is for my glory. I imagine Him on his heavenly throne removing me from a situation or location so that He can do His good work. I think I tend to get in the way.

All of the hard work last week cleaning, sorting and pricing toys culminates this week. We do that HUGE toy sale (we had over 13,000 toys for sale) so that money can be raised to buy brand new toys to pass out to families who are struggling this Christmas season. We pass out the toys so that we can tell them about the One who came to be man to die for their sins and ours. We work hard for 8 days so that we can spend 2 days giving toys and Jesus.

Sometimes I tend to think He needs me to do this. People say things like "You're so good to do this" or "Bless you for doing this". It tends to go to my head. I tend to think more highly of myself than I ought.

Have no fear, though. He knows exactly how to deal with the likes of me. He immobilizes me.

I have only been there for about an hour today. The migraine is winning and I left my children to do His good work and I came back home to the dark and quiet. He doesn't need me to get in the way today.

At the last count I heard, 1818 local children have received new toys this Christmas season and their parents or grandparents have heard the name of Jesus Christ.

I've been immobilized and I am confident it is not a coincidence. It is all for His glory!

running over myself...

2011-12-19T12:48:00.001-05:00

Each new year, I commit to doing less and being more. I even drop out of things that are fun and good for the greater good of savoring the days that make up my life, my children's lives. Each January I do this... and even though the days of each year look different, the years seem to be the same... crazy, chaotic and taxing.

I think I have good intentions... I just fail at the follow through. So, because He knows me best, loves me most and can intervene at His will, He sometimes allows things to happen that purposely slllooooowwwwwww me down.

For instance...

Bet you want to know about that one, huh? Let's just say, when one jumps out of one's vehicle in one's driveway to catch a run-away trash can, one should always put one's vehicle in park. Especially, in case of one's belt loop catching on the door bolt and one not being able to reach the brake pedal. One should do this always. Every.single.time.

That scratch has been my reminder for a few days to sllloooooowwwwwwww down. No, I was not speeding when that happened. In fact, I'm not sure the truck was moving more than 10 mph. It's just that my brain was moving in hyperdrive trying to remember all that things I needed to do, the places I need to be, all the things I wanted to accomplish on that day. In my haste, I forgot basic survival skills... such as, always put your vehicle in park before you attempt to exit it. Thankfully, He intervened before I ran myself over.

There are times in my haste in life that I do run myself over. I run myself ragged trying to please Him, others, myself. In my haste, I make waste. I waste the moments that make up my days by spinning out of control. I waste the days that He gives me by trying to do to do too much. The amount of time I have wasted has added up to years of my life spent running for naught.

The amazing part? Often what causes me to run myself over is good stuff. This slight mishap happened last Thursday... just after helping to serve lunch to the faculty and staff at Emme's school... as I was going home to host Bible study... before I went back to the toy drive. All good things. Just too many of them.

Sometimes it's too much of good things that causes me to run over myself.

this...

2011-12-16T18:54:00.000-05:00

Toy Time 2011

this...

became this...

when over 100 volunteers

got together for 5 days

to clean, sort and price

13,400+ toys

from 160+ donors

we even had a little fun...

with Ami,

our fearless leader

what if...

2011-12-12T08:09:00.000-05:00

What if? I think I know the answer... I would be changed from the inside out. Every. single. thing would take on a new luster and I would take on a new joy.

I am quick to forget though. He is faithful to remind me. This morning this cartoon was on the wall of a facebook friend. This is how I want to be every. single. day.

Continuing to count with the gratitude community on this Multitude Monday...

... a warm house
... love inside
... my big bathtub
... snuggling with a warm puppy
... a girl big enough to make her own teacher treats and clean up afterward

... coffee with Sweet Italian Cream
... smaller jeans
... learning to cast down idols
... forgiveness
... His faithfulness

... coming home to a rousing game of Monopoly
... the creativity of my friend Kari
... her servant's heart
... the sharing of her talent
... friendship

... family Bible time
... hearing the prayers of my children
... the glimpses of maturity I see
... Advent traditions
... that the almost 15 year old still participates

... learning to embrace more by living less each Advent
... the thrill of my 3 E's servant hearts this beginning day of Toy Time
... answered prayer
... upcoming Christmas break
... the promise of family coming

on sharing a burden...

2011-12-10T12:19:00.000-05:00

My sister and I have commented much lately on the liberties people take when talking about one another. Seems to me, that when we were kids {you know... a 100 years ago... or at least in the 70s} people were more apt to mind their own business {or beeswax as we said in elementary school}. There were certain subjects such as politics and religion that were considered off limits to gossip. It was okay to disagree on those subjects without slandering each other.

What has happened in the past 30-40 years? Especially in churches? We act as if the world is entitled to our opinion. More than that... we are quick to give our own opinion as the only opinion that is the right opinion. We have become slanders, gossips and backbiters. We say incredibly hurtful things as if we have an innate right to do so. The worst part... it seems to be Christians who do this to one another.

This week, I read a news article and my heart was saddened. Nine and half years ago, my husband, my son, my daughter, my parents and I buried our stillborn son. I lost him at 16 weeks. I was in my second trimester. I found out when I went for a routine office appointment. I laid on a gurney while the ultrasound showed our very still son whose heart no longer beat deep within me. We named him Matthew Eli. We buried him... complete with a memorial stone. We grieved long and hard. My heart has been saddened for the Duggar family. I know that kind of pain.

My heart has also been saddened at the comments that I have heard Christians say concerning the Duggars and the recent miscarriage that Michelle has experienced. I cannot believe the hurtful and ugly things that have been said. Mostly, I cannot believe that other people have made this sad time in the Duggar family their own business. I cannot believe that suffering through a miscarriage is not off limits to gossip.

Today I read Megan at Millions of Miles and my heart smiled. If you have a moment, please read. Her words articulate what I am trying to say. She says it beautifully.

More than anything, please pray for the Duggar family.

for me...

2011-12-09T08:48:00.000-05:00

I shared in yesterday's post that I am often frozen in fear. Of all the possible things to fear... I fear people most. I am a certifiable people pleaser. I want people to like me... to be pleased with me... to be my friend.

Often, I take this need for acceptance to the extreme. I will sacrifice myself for these other people. In my warped and sinful way, the way I go about this is all backward... I sacrifice the least for the four who live with me and sacrifice the most for people I hardly know. Please don't ask me why... my only answer is that I am a sinner saved by grace.

So, one of the things I have most prayed for myself in the last six months is that I would develop thicker skin. I want to have skin like an alligator and a heart like a lamb. I want to be loving and caring without being bothered by every negative word that is spoken to me, about me or around me.

I think this is part of God's answer to that plea...

do you notice that there are 3 swimmers and 3 lifeguards?
LOVE!

Do you see that tank in the background? That is a 13'6" diving pool filled with warm water. It has become my haven. For a nominal fee, we come here 2-4 times a week. I lower myself in that warm water and tread and do water aerobics for 45-75 minutes. Often, there are moments when I am the only one in that pool.

My kids go back and forth between the two pools. They are all good swimmers and I trust the lifeguards and so I can swim and relax... and listen to the giggles and the "watch me, Mom!"

All five of us go...

though sometimes we don't all swim...

either way, this open swim time has become something I truly look forward to. Last night I closed me eyes and felt the warm water, listen to the tiny waves splash over the filter edge and thanked Him for this gift.

I feel like this has been a gift... for me... a time to learn to say "no" to other things and to enjoy 90 minutes with my family. I am slowly learning that it is okay to say "no" in order to say "yes" to the four I love the most. It is okay to say "no" to say "yes" to a gift from Him.

In this I have developed thicker skin, without even realizing it. There are those who have disagreed with me going to the pool instead of doing other things. More spiritual things, they assume. It's funny... I'm becoming less and less bothered by that and more and more comfortable doing my own thing.

Though my family may disagree... I'm thinking God has provided this gift of open swim for me... time with Him... time to exercise... time to unwind... time to learn how to say "no".

frozen in fear... and thawing out of it...

2011-12-08T15:21:00.001-05:00

I've been frozen in fear for a while now... didn't realize it, though, until I heard Jennie Allen talk about being stuck in fear (I reviewed her Stuck Bible study here).

Sometimes I find myself so stuck that the "what if... " questions become comfortable companions.

What if I fail?

What if they don't like it?

What if I embarrass myself?

...my loved ones?

What if someone hates it?

What if they reject me?

what if...

I live with those question and a thousand more and allow them to become close friends. I allow them to fill my mind, my thoughts, my waking moments. I spend all my time with them 24/7.

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world.

On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself

up against the knowledge of God,

and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience,

once your obedience is complete.

2 Corinthians 10:4-6

Slowly... ever so slowly... I'm learning that way out of being frozen in fear is to surrender to the Son. When I surrender my thoughts... those thoughts that have plagued me... I surrender to One greater than I who sees what I do not.

Sometimes He calls me to surrender the fear to His care and walk away. Other times, He calls me to surrender the fear to His care and trust Him as I face the very thing of which I am afraid.

...either way, the thaw comes from the warmth of the Son...

and in His Light, I bloom where I am planted.

His name is JESUS!

2011-12-07T09:53:00.001-05:00

And she will bring forth a Son,

and you shall call His name JESUS,

for He will save His people from their sins.

Matthew 1:21 (NKJV)

All this took place to fulfill

what the Lord had said through the prophet:

“The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son,

and they will call him Immanuel”

(which means “God with us”)

Matthew 1:22-23 (NIV)

I need this Jesus... this one who came to save me from my sins. I need Immanuel... I need God with me every single minute. I need a Savior... a Prince of Peace. I need HIM!

Only 15 minutes into today, I came face to face with my sinfulness. It's not a pretty way to wake up. It started with selfishness...and a little pride...

UGH! Can't take Emme to school because someone hit the door lock

and locked my keys in the truck... that same truck that

is parked so nice and warm in my garage.

Why? Can't I just get my hands around

the neck that did this?

Now I can't go anywhere today

{my concern for my own freedom overshadowed

my concern of getting Emme to school on time...}

right behind it... pride mixed with a little self-righteousness sprinkled with anger....

He did it wrong. I knew I should have said something

last night when I saw him doing it wrong.

He only gets mad at me when I point these things out;

but, if I don't, I'm the one that suffers.

He doesn't care if I use this phone or not

but now I can't because he did it wrong!

Flipping my shoes off by the basement door, I lean on the table that holds our advent tree. That tree on which we place a different name of Jesus each night as we spent the weeks of advent refreshing our memory of Who He is.

I wish I could say it was then and there that I threw myself at the feet of Grace and asked for forgiveness. I wish I would respond as one to whom much grace has been given. I wish...

Instead, I stewed and fretted. I called for a ride for Emme to school and barely said "thank you!!"

It wasn't until after I bathed, dressed and surfed the web this morning that I finally woke up. I need a Mighty God... I need Immanuel... God with me. I need this One called Jesus and I need Him continually. Without Him I am nothing but a selfish ornery brat who throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way.

I need Him and His name is JESUS~ He came to save me from my sins!

...joining Ann's community

for Walk With Him

Wednesday

I would post the image

but I can't get it to work...

thankfully, for this one time,

I am not frustrated

that this is not going the way

I had planned.

Thank You JESUS!!

He came...

2011-12-05T12:46:00.000-05:00

unseen... unknown... unrecognized...

He came.

Two knew... an angel and a girl {not much older than my own}. They brought in a third... a young carpenter {perhaps just a few years older than my mancub} in love with that girl. These three, and God Himself, knew of the seed growing deep within.

They were not asked... they were chosen. Chosen for something hard... appointed before time began to do perhaps the hardest thing ever asked of human parents... rear the Christ Child.

In blind obedience they said YES! ... though not at the same time. These two, young and wise, said YES! to God and YES! to immediate submission to a plan much greater than they could ever know.

He came! In the form of an unborn babe swelling inside a virgin girl. In the darkness and warmth, He developed and grew. God and man together for the first and only time in the womb of the young girl.

He came! The King of Kings arrived in a lowly, smelly, damp and dank stable after a long and arduous journey for His young earthly parents. Ushered to earth by a chorus of Heavenly Beings all praising God for this miraculous event... witnessed only by some shepherds protecting their flocks... He came!

We sing...

O come O come Emmanuel

and ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to you O Israel

Oh, come O Rod of Jesse's stem,
From ev'ry foe deliver them
That trust your mighty pow'r to save;
Bring them in vict'ry through the grave.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

...we sing O Come O Come Emmanuel in remembrance but do we remember that He came? He came!

Emmanuel... God With Us came and dwelt among us. He came to set the captive free... to set me free.

Sitting in awe and with deep gratitude this rainy Monday...

for me, the gift of Emmanuel,

He came.

the most wonderful time of year..

2011-12-02T10:32:00.000-05:00

December... my favorite time of year. I love tradition and have built many family traditions around the month of December. I love Advent and the counting down of days. I love spending a whole month reading of the coming Messiah... my Savior.

We talk about the candles and we read through the scriptures. We study the One who came to fulfill the Law and the Prophets and to offer grace for all.

We reacquaint ourselves with some of the names of Jesus found in Scripture. He is the Lion of Judah, the Messiah, the Bright Morning Star. The Word is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. The Holy One of Israel came to be the Light of the World. I need the reminder of all that is I Am.

We schedule around the 10 days that we call Toy Time. Ten days to give of our time, our energy, our stuff to serve others. Ten days to stop in the madness of the Christmas rush and to give rather than receive. Ten days to hand out toys and give away Jesus.

December is a month steeped in tradition. Traditions that get harder to keep year after year. The kids grow up. More and more events pull and tug at us. We can't do it all and sometimes we don't do any of it. Other times, we do what we can and love on each other the best we can. This year, we are late starting our Advent tree. We haven't gotten our Christmas tree yet and our work at Toy Time will be sporadic around school schedules.

This December I don't want to wig out on what we don't do and how we haven't fulfilled every idea and tradition that I've created.

Instead, I want to rest in awe of my Creator, my Messiah, my Savior, my LORD. I want this most wonderful time of year to be all about the most wonderful gift of all... HIM!

Stuck... a BookSneeze review

2011-12-01T09:44:00.001-05:00

I tend to have an obsession with Bible study. I love following along someone's journey and flipping back and forth between the Old Testament and the New. Seeing how it all fits together in a story of sin, grace and redemption thrills me.

When I saw Stuck by Jennie Allen up for review on BookSneeze, I jumped at the chance to review this DVD Bible study for small groups. I asked four friends to join me and together we have met weekly to work through Jennie's study.

From Jennie...

This study began for me out of a deep struggle—a stuck place. It would serve better to call it something a tad more dramatic . . . it was a war. The kind of war that happens inside of you, the kind that nobody sees. God versus me and all my junk. It wasn’t something I could even put words to at the time. In fact, those close to me were oblivious to the chaos ensuing behind my gathered exterior.
But it was real and raging, and even though I couldn’t describe it, I was keenly aware of its presence and was exhausted by it.
I was stuck.
I experienced a sense of bondage I could not name and did not know how to escape. The outside of my life was bright and shiny, but inside I was a mess: anxious, lonely, afraid, and looking for significance.
This study exists because I know I am not alone in this. The more I am let into the deep crevasses of people’s hearts, the more I am convinced that every one of us is fighting something. Yet we look out from our secret wars and see people who smile peacefully and seem to be all right—and we smile back at them.
I’m done smiling.
God is about doing something on this planet. He is about doing something in me, and as long as I am privately fighting and losing inside, He is not getting a thing done through or in me. He has a plan for these spaces inside of us, the places we feel broken, but we have to go to Him.
Stuck is a journey to take an honest look at the fight going on inside, leading us to the God who has a plan to restore it, to restore us.
Tools:
See. Eight short but deep videos provide a starting place for transparent conversations.
Study. The Study Guide uses projects, stories, and Bible study to engage the mind and heart.
Lead. The Leader's Guide prepares you to lead this study and encourages you along the way.
Ask. Conversation Cards offer questions for spontaneous and authentic discussion time.
A little of my heart:
Women are hurting. A lot of us feel stuck. This is not a novel perception- this is human. We are stuck trying to be perfect. Stuck in sadness. Stuck feeling numb. Stuck pursuing more stuff to make us happy. Stuck in something we can’t even name. And most of our stuck places are invisible to the world. Which keeps us from dealing with them.
When I wrote Stuck, I dreamt of creating things that took women to deep places- real places. I think we may have learned so much about God- that we missed actually knowing Him.
I want us to live truth- not just memorize it. And this takes encountering a supernatural God. I pray this study will push you up face to face with Jesus, and in the process you will grow closer to the women around you- going to war with stuck places. The trenches are a good birthplace for the deepest of friendships.
I don’t know that the goal is getting unstuck. Our stuck places are the very places that make us ache for God, leading us to Him and His freedom. God’s never been one to tie up our problems with little pretty bows and send us on our way. We wrestle and as we wrestle on this journey, we depend entirely on him. We are inadequate to fix our lives.... and we have a relationship building God who likes to move in and settle in holes within us that hurt.
I want us to band together as women and grow and live and experience God.

While, our group loved the 9 minute video clips of a very real Jennie sharing her heart, we {heart} the discussion questions each week. We all agree this was the highlight of our group. Each of us had a different question to read and any who wished could answer. These questions prompted us to share our hearts and our struggles and it gave us a window into each other's soul.

Deep :: Short :: Real is how Jennie Allen has chosen to market this new study. I would definitely agree that it was short and real. This study is not as deep as a Kay Arthur or Beth Moore study. While I love doing studies by both of those authors, this study is less intimidating than theirs.

Jennie Allen does not assume that a woman doing her study has accept Jesus as her Savior. In the first week's homework, Jennie does an incredible job laying out the plan of salvation.

This study would be a great study for a new believer, one who is searching or someone who desperately seeks to be in the word but lacks time to do a long study.

***disclaimer... I received a copy of Stuck for my honest review as part of the BookSneeze blogger program. I received no other compensation.

white wordless wednesday...

2011-11-30T09:50:00.000-05:00

isn't this beautiful? guess who got a "new" phone with a camera? thanks Jenna!!

the waiting game...

2011-11-29T07:52:00.000-05:00

I'm an instant gratification type of girl. Waiting is definitely not my game. I want what I want when I want it and how and where I've asked for it.

Jehovah doesn't work that way... it's His game. If I want to play {which I absolutely do, by the way} then I play by His rules.

When I get upset and storm off because I don't like the way the game is being played, the game doesn't change... I do. I am bitter, angry, lonely and all shades of miserable.

Over thirty years of playing has taught me a thing or two. I've learned that when I wait upon the LORD... I mean really really wait, the blessings are too numerous to count.

This weekend was a thousand little gifts and more. My Jehovah showed me some of the blessings of waiting on Him to provide for me rather than me lamely attempting to provide for myself.

...now if I will just remember.

together again...

2011-11-28T08:10:00.001-05:00

Together againGee, it's good to be together againI just can't imagine that you've ever been gone!It's not starting over, it's just going on!

There's just something about Kermit, Fozzie, Miss Piggy and all the Muppets swaying and singing... it just puts a smile on my face.

The smile turns into a grin, though, when I see cousins living it together... this is us... my family. And, this is how we roll. We live hours apart in different states... my siblings and I. Our children consider each other their best friends and so we deliberately get together three or four times a year... just to be together again.

Counting gifts with the gratitude community over at Ann's again. Each Monday we come together. Sometimes I can make it, sometimes not but it makes my heart swell to read kindred spirits counting gifts together... again.

My gifts continue...

... cousins

... love

... laughter

... noise

... bodies everywhere

... an almost walking cousin who got more love than she wanted

... the newest one I can't wait to get my hands on

... my parents hospitality, even amongst the chaos that ensues when we all arrive

... black Friday shopping with my sister

... scoring some great deals.

... movies with the cousins

... football games together

... turkey, pie, rolls, squash, green bean casserole

... and my sister's cranberries!

... abundance

... a quiet trip home

... laughing and reminiscing with my best friend all the way home

... the joy of smaller jeans

... looking forward to the pool again tonight

... that no matter where you roam ~ there is no place like home

Also, on my list today is that Emily {chattingatthesky} is bringing back tuesdays unwrapped...

multitude mondays and tuesdays unwrapped

together again!

another Advent freebie...

2011-11-27T19:50:00.000-05:00

I posted about a free advent family study this morning. When I printed it out today for the girls (Emme decided she wanted one too.... who knew?!) I realized I also wanted to print out Ann's Jesse Tree devotional.

Here's the link... it's amazing and it's free... just as is Eleanor's that I posted earlier.

Can you tell I love Advent?

family inductive method advent study...

2011-11-27T07:34:00.000-05:00

This advent study has become a tradition for us. The past three years, all three kids have done this study. With just one home these days, I'll do it with the one. This will be the fourth year that I will print it out in its entirety and Ellen and I will sit together each morning and study advent... the coming of Emmanuel.

We will read about the prophecy foretold for the coming Messiah. We will study about the angels and the shepherds, Mary and Joseph. We will read and reread. And, we will color amazing coloring pages.

You can find it for yourself at author Eleanor Zweigle's website. It's a big download that is free of charge.

On this first Sunday of Advent...

O come O come Emmanuel

and ransom captive Israel

that mourns in lowly exile here

until the Son of God appear

rejoice! rejoice! Emmanuel

shall come to thee, O Israel!

what happens at Thanksgiving stays at...

2011-11-26T08:42:00.000-05:00

chacha ya'll.... take it back now, ya'll.... right foot two stomps... slide to the left... criss cross...

The greatest cousin memories are made on the spur of the moment. Those memories that are made from spontaneous elections, dress up fashion shows or dress up poetry readings for Grandma.

This year... the ChaCha Slide became the memory that was made. Nine cousins sliding to the left... stomping to the right... laughing and giggling.

Later, Aunt Becky is going to teach them the Electric Slide. I'd post pictures but what happens at Thanksgiving weekend stays at Thanksgiving weekend.

...these are the gifts I count... cousins who not only love each other but love to be with one another and siblings who laugh at each other's kids.

when an experiment leaves you wondering...

2011-11-25T19:06:00.000-05:00

Twenty-one days ago, I blogged about an experiment I was trying this month.... write 50,000 words in 30 days... just for fun.

The experiment worked. I now have a first draft. The NaNoWriMo experiment was a success.

This experiment has left me seriously wondering what's next.